Thank You Dan
(To the tune of "Jingle Bells")
by Tommy Krown

Loved the Christmas songs, They made me laugh awhile,
They mostly rhymed and stuff, I hear that is the style,
But I don't watch MTV because it's really bad,
And what's all this with Paul Rodgers? He reminds me of my dad.

OH.........
Thank you Dan, Thank you Dan
Thank you very much!
They never serenaded me
At Mars because they suck!
Thank you Dan, Thank you Dan
Thank you for the tunes
You are to the Christmas song
What clowns are to balloons

• EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
• EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
• CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
• CFO: corporate fraud officer.
• NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
• FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
• P/E: parole entitlement.
• EPS: eventual prison sentence.
• BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
• VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
• BROKER: What my broker has made me.
• "BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
• STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

You might remember this one from Dan's Music(al) way back in April 2002!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Scandalli Accordion-$99
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few miscellaneous things
Vito Alto Sax-Exc cond, $395
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Bundy Flute-New pads, $149
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few miscellaneous things
Boss DR220A-Dr. Rhythm, $99
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snow flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Lots of other stuff, come see us!
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few miscellaneous things

Giving Thanks For
Paul Rodgers

or the Continuing Adventures of Anita Speider as she pursues her Furry Friend

(How come they spelled his name right last year and not now?)

Set List Can't Get Enough Rock Steady Running With The Pack (during which he played the piano) Ready For Love Radioactive (during which he played an acoustic guitar, leaving the solo to the guitarist) Satisfaction Fire and Water Little Wing The Luckiest Man (sung by bass player while PR took a break) Shooting Star Saving Grace All Right Now First encore Bad Company (during which he played the piano again) Rock and Roll Fantasy medley with Ticket to Ride and I Feel Fine Second encore Feel Like Makin' Love Third encore Seagull (during which he played the acoustic guitar again) Pictures Anita took at the show

Pretty Ridiculous
Paul Rodgers
Pilgrimage Redux

Anita Speider continues to stalk her furry friend

1. To see him in an outfit she hasn't seen, at least in person. It would be especially good for her soul to see him in his cute little psychedelic shirt.

   Bingo! Through most of the show he wore a faded, black-and-white patterned, long-sleeved T-shirt and rather dorky, faded, straight-legged jeans with white stitching, and beat-up brown boots. He really looked he'd just pulled some clothes out of his closet. When he left during Mark Farner's song, I wondered whether he might change clothes, but he didn't. Before the encore, however, he changed into one of his new, sage-green T-shirts. He looked just like the boy next door!

2. To hear him sing "Little Bit of Love" and/or "Little Wing." Very little to ask, is it not?

   He sang "Little Wing." He seemed very sweet and fatherly in the way he encouraged his rather nervous-looking young female guest performer (who went by the highly unfortunate name of Twinkle) to sing with him.

3. To experience him through one of her other senses. You figure it out....

   He did sweat rather profusely, and I wouldn't have minded being spattered....

Rock 'n' Roll FanitaSIES

1. He sings lots of songs from "Muddy Water Blues."
   He sang two--"Muddy Water Blues" and "Standin' Around Cryin'."
2. He sings lots of songs from his years with Free, Anita's favorite of his bands.
   He sang four--"Fire And Water," "Wishing Well," "Riding On A Pony," and (of course) "All Right Now."
3. He smiles a lot. In Anita's direction.
   He smiled constantly, in every direction, and said many groovy things that showed he's still a hippie at heart. Anita is more in love than ever.
4. He signs her expensive, imported book about Free.
   He did. And smiled right at her.
5. He comes close enough for Anita to yank him bodily off the stage. He's muscular but he's little. I think Anita could take him.
   Well, he wouldn't have been small enough to fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of her, and she would have hated to have to check him, especially given how soggy her bag got.
6. He wears an outfit Anita hasn't seen him in.
   No go. The man has four or five shirts, two jackets, and two pairs of pants.
7. He mysteriously ceases to wear any outfit at all!
   Well, from her front row seat, Anita thought the underwear appeared more than a little doubtful.
8. He announces from the stage that he is moving from Vancouver to Iowa City (preferably west side) so that Anita can stalk him at her convenience after work without having to drive on the interstate. Anita likes him, sure, but come on--work with her here!
   Always leave the audience wanting more....

What was nicest about the show was how un-show-business-y it was, especially in comparison with the Las Vegas show I saw and the video that was made on that January tour. He was raising money for some food program in that area and he said various groovy little things that reinforced my positive impression of him as a person who still had a lot of his 1960s values. He talked a lot more--and he did a *little* rock star-ish talk at the appropriate times--but in general he seemed much more like a regular person and the show felt much more homemade. The crowd was more of his hometown crowd, maybe, since I think he lives in Vancouver and plays in the area more often than he plays elsewhere. There were a lot of local people there who had seen him pretty often. The audience was MUCH nicer than in Las Vegas--only one woman who looked like a prostitute, and no one else who was pushy or obnoxious. I'd probably go see him there again at some point.

I *am* still mystified by why he seems to have so few clothes to wear onstage. The black tank top with metal studs in the shape of a bird was the very same one he wore in Las Vegas. He doesn't seem to have more than four or five shirts, a couple jackets, and a couple pairs of pants. It's like having a Barbie doll with accessories not only not included but not even available. :-)

Paul Rodgers sounded just as good as I expected and looked much, much, much better. He came out dressed in black jeans and a black, somewhat mod-ish blazer over a black-and-white patterned, unbuttoned, long-sleeved shirt and a black tank top, which we were privileged to sigh-I mean see-in its muscular-arm-baring entirety during the encores. He appeared to be in (ahem) fine shape and jumped around very friskily and playfully throughout the show. He also wore a surprisingly happy, friendly smile and always seemed to be enjoying himself very much. So did the other band members. They played all of Bad Company's biggest hits and it was hard to imagine it really being fun for them to play these songs for the millionth time, but if it wasn't, they did a very good job of acting. They did one very old song-"All Right Now"-and only one new one-"Saving Grace". For me the only disappointment was that they didn't play any of the songs from Paul Rodgers's Muddy Waters CD. I had read reviews that had led me to expect at least one. They substituted "Silver, Blue, and Gold"-not a great favorite of mine, but very pleasant. Highlights were the medley of "Ticket to Ride" and "I Feel Fine" at the end of "Rock and Roll Fantasy" and the final song, "Ready for Love." I like my rock stars to be happy, pretty, or preferably both. Angst and tortured artistry among people inclined to wear pleather clothing are not for me. I was therefore charmed to find that-soulful voice notwithstanding-Paul Rodgers in person seemed both much prettier and much happier than I would have predicted.

Alas, having in all likelihood traveled several hours and hundreds of miles further at greater trouble and expense than anyone else in attendance (like the sort of obsessive and life-challenged Star Trek conventioneer that, in an alternate timeline, I admit I am) I can neither pretend nor hold out the slightest hope that an unbiased observer would acquit me of being one of the aforementioned loser/morons, despite my relatively fashion-forward early '90s apparel. So yes, I do know all the words to "Shooting Star"-be damned to those who don't! Yes, perhaps in my soul I do drive a white Camaro. And yes, alright, I know more than I should about Freddie Mercury and Steve Perry, AC/DC, Kiss, and Cheap Trick. Yes, my friends, miles and years might intervene, but these, these are my people-my hemp-smoky, beer-sodden, "excellent" people, who first ventured into the world to party hearty just before the Dawn of Disco expandexed its rosy, monotonously tapping fingers over the flat horizon of the Midwest.

In my mind, at least, my hair is feathered, and lo, I fly like an eagle.

How to Sing the Blues

by Lame Mango Washington

(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman--with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher--and she weigh 200 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
    1. highway
    2. jailhouse
    3. empty bed
    4. bottom of a whiskey glass
    Bad places:
    1. ashram
    2. gallery opening
    3. Ivy League institution
    4. golf course
    
    
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    1. you're older than dirt.
    2. you're blind.
    3. you shot a man in Memphis.
    4. you can't be satisfied.
    No, if:
    1. you have all your teeth.
    2. you were blind but now you see
    3. the man in Memphis lived.
    4. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
    
    
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    1. wine
    2. whiskey or bourbon
    3. muddy water
    4. black coffee
    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    1. mixed drinks
    2. kosher wine
    3. Snapple
    4. sparkling water
    
    
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Fat River Dumpling
    Some Blues names for men:
    1. Willie
    2. Little Willie
    3. Big Willie
    4. Joe
    
    
17. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

    Name of physical infirmity Blind Cripple Lame etc.

    +

    Name of fruit Lemon Lime Kiwi etc.

    +

    Name of president Jefferson Johnson Fillmore etc.

    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
    (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

19. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.

If you've never heard (or heard of) The Annoying Music Show...well, you've led a charmed life. But if you want to explore the Dark Side, go to NPR's website and do a search on "Annoying Music" to find Real Audio clips of interviews with the host of The Annoying Music Show, as well as music of the most annoying kind!

Click here to hear Anita's Annoying Noise!

Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me
Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married...just you wait and see.

She called me up, late last night, she said Joe, don't come over
My dad and I just had a fight, and he stormed out the door
I've never seen him act his this way, my God, hes going crazy
He says he's gonna make you pay, for what we've done, he's got a gun,
so

Run Joey Run Joey Run
Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me
Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married...just you wait and see.

I got in my car and I drove like mad, till I reached Julie's place
She ran to me, with tears in her eyes, and bruises on her face
All at once, I saw him there, sneaking up behind me, WATCH OUT!
Then Julie yelled, he's got a gun, and she stepped in front of me
Suddenly, a shot rang out, and I saw Julie falling
I ran to her, I held her close, when I looked down, my hands were red,
and heres the last words Julie said...

Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me
Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married.....aaahhh..ahhhh ahhhh....ahhhhh

Run Joey run Joey run Joey run Joey run Joey run

"As I learn to trust the Universe, I no longer need to carry a gun." (19 July 01)

"It just tastes more crispier." (10 July 01)

"A People willing to sacrifice a little liberty for a little security deserves neither; and will lose both."--Thomas Jefferson (28 June 01)

"The descamisados still worship me!" (12 June 01)

"The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind." (5 June 01)

"Chico, don't be discouraged -- the Man, he ain't so hard to understand." (15 May 01)

"If an honest man like yourself should make enemies, they would become my enemies. And then they will fear you." (9 May 01)

"The koala tea of Mercy is not strained." (2 May 01)

"Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" (24 Apr 01)

"That's just the way it is, baby!" (11 Apr 01)

"There's no stopping the future!" (14 Mar 01)

"I write the songs that make the whole world sing." (7 Mar 01)

"It's people! Soylent Green is people!" (27 Feb 01)

"Swarm! Swarm!" (23 Feb 01)

"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." (15 Feb 01)

"I did not -- have sex -- with that woman." (7 Feb 01)

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun." (2 Feb 01)

"Go ahead--make my lunch." (23 Jan 01)

"Leapin' and hoppin' on a moonshadow. Moonshadow, moonshadow." (16 Jan 01)

"I'm being followed by a moonshadow. Moonshadow, moonshadow." (11 Jan 01)

"Heaven's just a sin away." (2 Jan 01)

"It's a Festivus miracle!" (21 Nov 00)

"Drop the zero and get with the hero!" (11 Nov 00)

"Doo doo doo doo-doo doo-doo doo doo! Do the Hustle!" (31 Oct 00)

"I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today." (24 Oct 00)

"Billy, don't be a hero! Don't be a fool with your li-i-ife!" (19 Sep 00)

"The man who say no to champagne say no to Life!" (7 Sep 00)

"Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better!" (24 Aug 00)

Fuhgeddaboudit Brooklyn Bridge Sings The Worst That Could Happen circa 1970 Girl, I heard you're getting married Heard you're getting married This time you're really sure And this is the end They say you really mean it This guy's the one who makes you feel So safe, so sane, and so secure And maybe it matters more than me Maybe it's the best thing Maybe it's the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me I'll never get married Never get married You know that's not my scene But a girl like you Needs to be married I've known all along you couldn't Live forever in-between And maybe it matters more than me Maybe it's the best thing Maybe it's the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me And girl, I don't really blame you For having this dream of your own Hey girl, I don't really blame you A woman like you Needs a house and a home, baby! If it matters more than me Maybe it's the best thing Maybe it's the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me Girl, you're gonna be married! Oh girl, I'm never, never gonna marry! (Fade out)

Sir Harold Fuqua Sings! The Worst That Could Happen circa 4 Aug 2000, 4:04 pm Gail, I heard that you're retiring Heard that you're retiring This time you're really sure And this is the end They say you really mean it That pension money makes you feel So safe, so sane, and so secure And maybe it matters more than me To get out of testing Maybe is the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me I'm never retiring Never retiring I'll die at ACT And a Secretary II We'll need to be hiring I've known all along you couldn't Work forever just for me And maybe it matters more than me To get out of testing Maybe is the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me And Gail, I don't really blame you For hatching this scheme all alone Hey Gail, if I could go with you I'd read books, just like you I'd sleep in and stay home, baby! If it matters more than me To get out of testing Maybe is the best thing for you But it's The Worst That Could Happen To me Gail, you'll join AARP! Hey Gail, you'll become a retiree! (Fade out)