So, Dan...

“Guitar Hustler’s Night Before Christmas 2005”

So, Dan, who are some people from the field of music who would make good Supreme Court justices?
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So, Dan, what are some important items to take to college as an incoming freshman?
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So, Dan, how about some ideas for reality TV shows?
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So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate "Administrative Professionals Day?" (April 27)
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So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate the start of Daylight Savings Time? (That's April 3rd, by the way).
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So, Dan, who are some more folks it would be really uncool to be?
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So, Dan, who are some people it would be really uncool to be?
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So, Dan, how about those Academy Awards?
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So, Dan, why are you discontinuing your Trader ad?
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So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Presidents’ Day (February 21)?
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So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Lincoln's birthday?
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So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Chinese New Year (February 9th)?
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So, Dan, what are some things to put in your car before taking off for that wintertime gig?
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So, Dan, what have customers been saying lately?
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So, Dan, after nearly 11 years, why do you persist in writing these dumb question and answer things?
D'answer

“Guitar Hustler’s Night Before Christmas 2005”

'Twas the night before Christmas, the sky it was black,
The customers were arguing 'bout the war in Iraq,
The local economy was still headed South,
My wife and I were barely living hand to mouth.
The holiday inventory sat all around,
With none of it moving or making a sound!
The customers seemed more like they were involved
With the Holloway murder case going unsolved.
The news had been bad for so freaking long,
That nobody wanted to engage in a song,
When all of a sudden there arrived at the door,
A rumpled old guy who had been here before.
"What the hell's goin' on here?" he said as he entered,
"This is not much like Christmas," he angrily vented.
"I've been here before, trying to hustle guitars,
But you friggin' people, I don't know who you are!
With all your long faces and bad dispositions,
You act like you're tied up in bad sex positions!
Here I brought some guitars to trade or to sell,
But you freakin' losers can go straight to hell!"
He turned toward the door, preparing to leave,
Then he stopped and did something no one could believe.
"Would it make you all happy, would it give you a lift,
If I went outside and came back with a gift?"
Then he went to his car, a-belchin' and fartin',
And when he came back he said, "Who wants a Martin?
A Gibson, a Gretsch, or a Fifties Precision?
Just make up your minds and tell me your decision."
Everyone clamored to tell him their choices,
And gathered around him and began to rejoice,
For then something happened that gave everyone pause,
The rumpled old hustler had become Santa Claus!
His beard had grown bushy, he had a big belly
That shook as he laughed, handing out an old Tele!
6120s, Les Pauls, Stratocasters,
More people came in and he passed them out faster,
Till everyone had their dream vintage guitar,
And the guitar hustling Santa headed out to his car,
He popped open a beer and he slugged it right down,
And started the Chevy so he could leave town,
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"The vintage business has tanked, so I'm gonna switch
to buying and selling used cars! I'm outa here!"

So, Dan, who are some people from the field of music who would make good Supreme Court justices?

1. Ted Nugent -- The Nuge wouldn’t put up with long-winded attorneys, and his opinions would be direct and to-the-point.
2. Bob Dylan -- After all, he wrote “Drifter’s Escape,” which is, of course, a fantastic account of courtroom drama. “The trial was bad enough, but this is ten times worse!”
3. Paula Abdul -- She’d probably end up “dating” the attorneys, plus she has experience as a judge on that fabulous TV show, “You Can Be A Star.” Or was it “The Biggest Loser?” Oh, hell, I don’t care…
4. Ashlee Simpson -- She could give her opinions by having them played while she mouths the words. If the wrong opinion is played for a particular case, what the heck…nobody cares about her opinions anyway!
5. Don Henley -- No one cares about his opinions, either, but nobody has been able to convince him of that!
6. Paul Rodgers -- Okay, I know he’s not even an American citizen, but the guy who wrote “Good Lovin’ Gone Bad” surely has a great legal mind!
7. Kenny Rogers -- Maybe he’d make enough money to quit doing those God-awful TV commercials for records, oops, CDs of music that was nothing but crap 20 to 30 years ago!

So, Dan, what are some important items to take to college as an incoming freshman?

1. A dorm-size refrigerator, to hold beer. Okay, maybe some other stuff, but not likely.
2. A microwave to cook Ramen noodles. Or popcorn. Or frozen burritos.
3. A fan to blow the smoke out of the room. Oh, sure it works.
4. Lots of candles and incense to cover the smell of smoke. Yeah, like that really works, too&
5. Large duffel bag to carry all your dirty clothes home in.
6. Can opener, in case the tab pulls off the beer, er, pop cans.
7. A frisbee. Don t have to throw it or anything, but having one is required, anyway.
8. A computer (or a guitar, Dan! --Anita S.), so you ll have something of value to pawn.

So, Dan, how about some ideas for reality TV shows?

1. “I Want To Be In A Bar Band,” in which contestants are forced to forced to eat pickled eggs and Tony’s pizza, breathe lots of stale, smoky bar air, and play “Mustang Sally” over and over.
2. “Survivor – Survivor,” in which contestants are forced to watch episodes of “Survivor” 24 hours a day, while wearing the same tie-dyed shirt for weeks at a time without washing it.
3. “The Elected Official,” in which each week a member of Congress is picked at random and fired by Donald Trump, and sent back to his/her home state. There the official is forced to work for minimum wage assembling bicycles at Wally World. For the rest of his/her life.
4. “Neverland,” in which contestants are forced to change the King Of Pop’s bedsheets every day.
5. And, finally, “Beer Factor,” in which contestants are forced to do “keg stands” for hours on end. The loser (the one who passes out first), wins three nights at Neverland (see above), as the “personal” guest of the King Of Pop. For those who are unaware of the great American tradition of “keg stands,” Google “keg stand,” and become enlightened!

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate "Administrative Professionals Day?" (April 27)

1. Look, first it was "Secretary's Day." You got your "girl" some flowers and took her to lunch.
2. Next, it was "Administrative Assistants Day." No flowers allowed, and pizza ordered in.
3. Now, it is a day to reflect on the fact that your secretary has a more impressive title than you have.
4. Do they call it the "Administrative Professionals Pool?"
5. Do "Administrative Professionals" sit and read romance novels like my ex-wife did when she was a secretary?
6. Oh, I almost forgot...how to celebrate the "holiday?" Don't do a damn thing, because to observe it would be demeaning and condescending, and we don't want that, now do we?
7. Anita salutes the clerical staff at her workplace, as said staff have often saved the proverbial bacon of many a job-title-inflated "senior test development associate"--read "editor"--including herself. Moreover--unlike the many layers of management that hover, Laputa-like, above us--clerical staff at least work rather than "meet." --Anita

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate the start of Daylight Savings Time? (That's April 3rd, by the way).

1. We could all hop on our dinosaurs and go somewhere.
2. We could all jump forward and crawl back. Whatever.
3. We could all reset our sundials to reflect DST.
4. We could choose NOT to switch to DST, thus ensuring that the rest of the country continues to consider us uneducated hicks.
5. The rest of the country, as in the uneducated (but daylight-saving!) hicks in Iowa, Illinois, Ohio, etc.? --Anita
6. Hey, wait, I resemble that remark....
7. We could all jump in the Wayback Machine with Mr. Peabody and Sherman, and avoid the 21st century at all costs!

So, Dan, who are some more folks it would be really uncool to be?

1. Robert Blake. You ll never work in this town again!
2. Phil Spector. Same thing applies as to Robert Blake.
3. Sammy Sosa. Or Jason Giambi. Or Barry Bonds. Give that guy an asterisk!
4. Katie Couric. She just really irritates me, and no, Katie, Matt, Al, and Ann are NOT America s first family. That honor belongs to Wally, the Beav, Ward and June.
5. Keb Mo. Yeah, he s really good, but the name thing is pretty awful. Say it loud, I'm black and I'm Kevin Moore!
6. On the other hand, it would be really cool to be Jimmy La Fave, the greatest singer you ve never heard. I ain't kiddin'!

So, Dan, who are some people it would be really uncool to be?

1. Michael Jackson. An obvious choice, for many reasons, but especially because he s so delusional that he thinks he's normal. The nose is pretty disturbing, too.
2. Ace Frehley. This time, his replacement doesn't even have different make-up than Ace. Man, that could drive ol' Ace back to the bottle!
3. Ward Churchill. This ridiculous character said that the 9-11 victims deserved to be killed. Again, it would really suck to be this out of touch with reality. Really bad hair, too!
4. Yngvie Malmsteen (or however it's spelled.) It wouldn't be cool to be the butt of a lot of music-oriented jokes, and it wouldn't be cool to still be wearing those stupid leather pants, and it wouldn't be cool to still be doing all those rock star faces and poses....I could go on with this....
5. Gary Richrath. It wouldn't be very cool to have to play 75-seat dives after playing all the big arenas with REO Speedwagon. On the other hand, it wouldn't have been that cool to have to listen to Kevin Cronin's fake Scottish accent for all those years, either.
6. I'll be taking suggestions on this subject; maybe we'll continue with this next week.

So, Dan, how about those Academy Awards?

1. Didn't watch them, no idea.
2. Haven't seen any of the movies, either.
3. Can't really picture that Leonard DiMarzio guy as Howard Hughes.
4. Morgan Freeman was pretty good on "Reading Rainbow."
5. Clint Eastwood was pretty good on "Rawhide."
6. He pretty much sucked in "Paint Your Wagon," though.
7. Come to think of it, EVERYBODY sucked in "Paint Your Wagon."

Hi, everyone! Just wanted to let you all know that we're going to discontinue our Trader ad for awhile. Thanks to the great staff at the Trader, especially Carol, who has always been so helpful.

We will continue to update our inventory list on our web site www.dans-music.com. We will also keep updating the oft-maligned, generally misunderstood "So, Dan" question and answer section on the web page.

Please come see us at the shop. Thanks.

So, Dan, why are you discontinuing your Trader ad?

1. I'm going to take the money and invest it in Martha Stewart stock. Or not.
2. Use the money to take a nice vacation in Ingalls.
3. Going to spend more time with my pet rubber chicken.
4. Going to use the time it takes me to type the ad to study Chinese as a second language. (I type really slowly).
5. Going to concentrate my advertising $$ on getting people to have my logo tattooed on various body parts.
6. Hey, it's not forever. Carol, don't throw away the artwork!

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Presidents’ Day (February 21)?

1. Practice the "Dean Scream," as if you were running for President. (That’s Howard, not Frank!)
2. Invite some drunk guy at your next gig to accept a Cabinet post. Then tell him this means he has to carry your 4x12 cabinet out to your car.
3. Do some body work on your car. "Press a dent" from behind to fix it.
4. Do something new. Set a "precedent."
5. Hey, look, this ain’t as easy as you think. Even the Chapman brothers hit a dry spell now and then....
6. Lastly, give Monica a hug, will ya?

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Lincoln's birthday?

1. Save up your pennies to buy me a '65 Continental with suicide doors.
2. Catch a wrestling match.
3. Go to J.C. Penney and ask which side of the store the picture of Lincoln is on.
4. Put on a stovepipe hat. / Put a hat on a stovepipe. (Note to self: Locate stovepipe.)
5. Walk four miles to return two pennies, or two miles to return four pennies, or some unspecified number of miles to return an undetermined number of pennies.
6. Read by firelight.
7. Split rails. / Spit nails.
8. Debate Stephen Douglas--I dare you!
9. Emancipate someone. Alternatively, proclaim that you will.
10. Tell Ken Burns to get beyond the pan-and-scan and make a real documentary.
11. Have a picture of yourself taken with your hand inside your jacket. Oh, that was Napoleon, wasn't it? Never mind.
12. Check out the fabulous John Hiatt song "I'm A Real Man."
13. Drive a Ford to the theatre. Sit in the balcony.
14. Don't get killed, for a change, you narcissistic attention hog.
15. Write a grant.
16. Don't let your mother's dairy cow eat any mushrooms. ?!?!?
17. Trust me, there's a connection there somewhere.

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Chinese New Year (February 9th)?

1. Enjoy a plate of vegetable fried rice, which according to my friend John can’t contain peas.
2. Find three electronic gizmos not made in China.
3. Learn the words to "China Grove," which nobody to date has been able to understand.
4. Your lucky numbers are 5, 8, 13, 17, 35, & 42. (I’m not kidding...bet all your money!)
5. This is going to be the Year of the Cock. (Hey, that’s a rooster, calm down…)
6. "You will be rewarded for your hard work and dedication." Yeah, sure…believe what you read in a freakin’ cookie. Next, you’ll be seeing the face of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich!

So, Dan, what are some things to put in your car before taking off for that wintertime gig?

1. Your instrument would be good, in case the evil club owner doesn't cancel the gig.
2. A blanket (in case you get lucky, wink, wink).
3. A coffee can full of sand, in case there's a flood in your car and you need to sandbag.
4. A candle, in case your headlights quit and you can't see where you're going.
5. Water, in case your upholstery catches on fire.
6. Flares, as in, "I'm gonna stop on the way home and pick up some purty flares for my ol' lady."
7. Finally, a couple of granola bars. No, not to eat, but to chock the wheels in case your parking brake fails.

So, Dan, what have customers been saying lately?

1. "I feel better now that my hair's pulled back and I borrowed a pair of shoes." (a middle-aged woman)
2. "That's f---ing bull----!" (a pretty, young mother, on being told we'd have to order another case)
3. "Better send two guys in case one gets hurt!" (actually not one of our customers, but an actual call to a furnace business here in Anderson)
4. "The even house numbers are always on the left, aren't they?" (a thirty-ish man)
5. "Twenty percent down, what's that, about 50 dollars?" (the price was 100 dollars, let me get my calculator...)
6. "It's got like, 10 or 12 strings hangin' off the handle!" (what the #*!!???)

So, Dan, after nearly 11 years, why do you persist in writing these dumb question and answer things?

1. Trying to make up for that C- in creative writing.
2. You'll notice I didn't do one last week, and the outpouring of sadness was swift and overwhelming.
3. Okay, so only three people noticed, including Anita, who maintains my web site, and Carol, my rep at the Trader...what of it?!?!
4. If I could sing like Paul Rodgers, I wouldn't have to do this.
5. Okay, I don't have to do this - I could always go back to being a milkman. Or selling sweepers. Or something....
6. I'm providing a service that the chain stores and catalogs don't provide, just like all the "business experts" say I should!