So, Dan...

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So, Dan, how about "The Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas"?
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So, Dan, how about another guitar hustler Christmas song, while we cuddle by the fire?
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So, Dan, having grown up in a remote area of New York City, not being exposed to the wide array of cultural influences available in Anderson IN, and, wanting to sing along, how about a more well-known Christmas carol? Please?
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So, Dan, how about another Christmas carol for guitar hustlers?
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So, Dan, how about some guitar hustler Christmas carols again this year?
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So, Dan, how about some solutions to the confusion surrounding the recent election?
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So, Dan, what are some things that musicians should be thankful for?
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So, Dan, what about some tips for early Christmas shoppers?
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So, Dan, who are some members of the musical community who might be suited for a position in government?
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So, Dan, any thoughts on the recent Indiana guitar show?
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So, Dan, how about them CMA awards?
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So, Dan, what are some songs that the d.j. will have to play at the 20-year class reunion of the class of 2000?
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So, Dan, now that you have a website, what plans have you made to become an e-commerce mogul?
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So, Dan, what are some CD boxed sets for which there would be little or no market?
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So, Dan, any ideas on possible candidates for the IU coaching job?
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So, Dan, who are some people we will most likely never see on VH1's "Behind the Music" series?
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So, Dan, what are some good ways to spend Labor Day?
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So, Dan, how about some pointers for young people who intend to pursue a career in the music industry?
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So, Dan, we hear you are going to have a website at www.dans-music.com. You don't even have a computer. What's up with that?
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So, Dan, in light of the recent disclosure by Melissa Etheridge that David Crosby artificially inseminated her significant other, who are some other potential donors and recipients?
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So, Dan, what are some questions you never get tired of hearing? And your responses?
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So, Dan, how about some suggestions for celebrating the Fourth of July?
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So, Dan, how about "The Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas"?
Okay, but then it's time to go to bed.

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the shop,
All the guitars were hanging,
I felt like a flop.
I'd bought cheap electrics,
And cheap acoustics, too,
And to start off the season,
Had sold quite a few.
But a terrible blizzard
Arrived just in time
To end Christmas business, and
This cheap stuff was still mine!
My wife was computing
The bills she could pay,
While I shoveled snow
And cursed the holiday.
When out in the parking lot,
There arose such a sound,
I ran to the door,
And then looked all around.
A guitar hustler's van,
As white as Pat Boone,
Was backed up to my doorway, and
The doors opened soon.
The guitar hustler climbed out,
He was belchin' and fartin', yelling,
"I'm sick and tired of these
Gibsons and Martins!
I'm tired of Fenders,
And Gretsches and Ricks,
And I just want to trade
For some strings and some picks.
And oh, by the way, if you've
Got any junkers,
I'll take all your trash,
All your losers and clunkers!"
He started unloading
Guitars from his truck,
And I ran to help him,
Giving thanks for my luck.
He gave Martins and Gibsons,
For Hondos and Kays,
Pre-CBS Fenders
For crap you can't play,
Tweed Fender amps
For my pile of old pedals
And Locking guitars
That were used for '80s metal.
And then in a flash
He returned to his van,
Popped the top on a beer
And drank straight from the can,
And I heard him exclaim,
As his mirror clipped my head,
"Good luck with that stuff--
The vintage market is dead!"

So, Dan, how about another guitar hustler Christmas song, while we cuddle by the fire?
Okay, just don't burn your toes!

We Wish We Could Find A Martin
(to the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")

We wish we could find a Martin,
We wish we could find a Martin,
We wish we could find a Martin,
And an old Gibson, too.

We search at pawn shops,
And rummage sales, too. We wish we could find a Martin,
And a Strat, daphne blue.

We wish we could find a Martin,
And an old Gibson, too!

So, Dan, having grown up in a remote area of New York City, not being exposed to the wide array of cultural influences available in Anderson IN, and, wanting to sing along, how about a more well-known Christmas carol? Please?
Note: This avid reader contacted me to let me know that my selections for the "Guitar Hustler Christmas Carols" have been too obscure and/or esoteric, leaving him unable to sing along.
Okay, then, lil pards, to the tune of "Silent Night":

Old Guitars

Old guitars, packed in cars
Bought in pawnshops and in bars
Martins, Gibsons, Gretsches, and Ricks,
Music-store owners are always such *?!#/%
We're buying guitars on-line...
Hustling guitars full-time.

So, Dan, how about another Christmas carol for guitar hustlers?

Tap on the Laptop
(to the tune of "Up on the Housetop")

Taps on his laptop and surfs the 'Net,
Wonder what kind of guitar he'll get,
Looking for Gibsons and Martins, too,
Trying to buy on the cheap from you.

Ho-ho-ho, he's buying low,
Ho-ho-ho, he's buying low,
He won't pay retail, ain't no way,
He's buying guitars on eBay!

So, Dan, how about some guitar hustler Christmas carols again this year?

We Three Kings (B.B., Nat Cole, Roger Miller)

In our quest we've traveled so far,
Trying to find old Martin guitars,
Buying, trading, negotiating,
Selling out of our cars...
Oh...oh...

Gibsons, Fenders, Gretsches too,
We will buy them all from you.
Won't buy Hamers, won't take Kramers.
Only vintage stuff will do.

So, Dan, how about some solutions to the confusion surrounding the recent election?

  1. Let Bush and Gore share duties, 4 days on, 3 days off, like at the fire department.
  2. Let them take turns, a week at home, a week on the road (summit meetings, funerals, etc.)
  3. Call Alexander Haig....He always wanted to be in charge.
  4. Let Hillary be "acting President"--she'll probably run next time anyway.
  5. Let's see how it goes with no President--rent out the White House--oh, that's been done, hasn't it?
  6. Make Bob Knight President--he could use the work.

So, Dan, what are some things that musicians should be thankful for?

  1. None of the cockroaches in the club rode home in your twin reverb.
  2. That chick who did the "falling apart" dance to "Wipe Out" got too drunk to remember you asking her to "go out for breakfast."
  3. "Oh, the bar tab? We just do it to keep track of inventory....You don't have to pay it!"
  4. Every time you're putting your amp in the car and don't get run over (like Clarence White did.)
  5. Any night that doesn't feature club owner singing "Three Steps."
  6. Waffle House biscuits and gravy.

So, Dan, what about some tips for early Christmas shoppers?

  1. Park in a well-lighted area, with valuables and weapons concealed.
  2. Dress comfortably, including a pair of shoes suitable for running to escape the gangs of unruly youths.
  3. Never disclose your credit card number over the phone, on the Internet, or to a store clerk.
  4. Stop often for a snack or a soda, taking care to avoid restaurants you've read about in connection with the reintroduction of bubonic plague.

So, Dan, who are some members of the musical community who might be suited for a position in government?

  1. Ted Nugent--Secretary of Defense
  2. "Skunk" Baxter--C.I.A. Director
  3. Keith Richards--Weights and Measures
  4. Sammy Hagar--Federal Highway Administration
  5. Meat Loaf--Food and Drug Administration
  6. Willie Nelson--Internal Revenue Service
  7. Britney Spears--Senate Committee on Intelligence
  8. Cher--Senate Committee on Aging
  9. Dickey Betts--Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

So, Dan, any thoughts on the recent Indiana guitar show?

  1. Dave has a cool dog.
  2. Coolest guitar--an Ibanez copy of a Gibson Byrdland.
  3. Fewer "sharks" than usual.
  4. Bottled water is always a bargain at $2.50.
  5. I'm way too lazy to set up and run a booth....I'm glad others are more energetic!
  6. "I want to buy an old Martin D28 for under $1000.00. Plus, I brought this '80s shred guitar (covered in genuine snakeskin) to trade. I need at least $800.00."
  7. I have a cool dog, too. She did not attend the show.

So, Dan, how about them CMA awards?

  1. I found the Dixie Chicks' rendition of "Sin Wagon" to be invigorating and uplifting. Or something, I'm not sure.
  2. I think I saw Montgomery-Gentry over at the Moose last week.
  3. Has anyone seen Lonestar and the Backstreet Boys at the same place at the same time?
  4. That Vince Gill--what a homewrecker! What a funny guy!
  5. Who is Leigh Ann Rimes' costume designer--Patsy Ramsey?

So, Dan, what are some songs that the d.j. will have to play at the 20-year class reunion of the class of 2000?

  1. "Yeah That's Us" by Major Figgas
  2. "Bounce With Me" by Lil Bow Wow
  3. "Kiss This" by Aaron Tippin
  4. "Oops! I Did It Again" by Britney Spears
  5. "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem
  6. "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain
So, what's your point?
  1. Just because it's popular doesn't mean it's good.
  2. Just because it's popular doesn't mean I have to like it.
  3. Kinda like political candidates--I hope this ain't the best we've got!

So, Dan, now that you have a website, what plans have you made to become an e-commerce mogul?

  1. Producing some TV commercials that have nothing at all to do with a music store.
  2. Planning to operate at a loss for the foreseeable future.
  3. Looking at having an IPO (whatever that means) to raise operating capital to offset losses incurred in e-commerce.
  4. Thinking about buying a new expensive car to replace the '88 Dodge Ram truck. No self-respecting mogul wants to be seen in a rusty old beater truck.

So, Dan, what are some CD boxed sets for which there would be little or no market?

  1. "The Greatest Hits of the Mamas and the Papas After Cass Died"
  2. "Huey Lewis and the News in the New Millennium"
  3. "The Greatest Hits of Sylvia"
  4. "Live At The Mall--The Bootleg Tiffany Sessions"
  5. "Insane Clown Posse Sings Sinatra"
  6. "Neal McCoy--The Early Years--Live at Earl and Bertha's Karaoke Bar"
  7. "The Ron Wood Demos--Songs that Mick, Keith, and Rod Rejected"

So, Dan, any ideas on possible candidates for the IU coaching job?

  1. Ted Nugent--Likes to hunt and fish, and has mastered the universal adjective.
  2. Rick Majerus--Likes to wear a sweater, and did a fine job at Ball State.
  3. Bill Clinton--Looking for work and could double as pep band member.
  4. Tom Scholz (of the band "Boston")--Had to cancel a tour because he broke his hand playing basketball.
  5. Rick Smits--At least there'd be no more retirement questions.
  6. "Lonesome George" Thorogood--No, wait, he should be baseball commissioner!

So, Dan, who are some people we will most likely never see on VH1's "Behind the Music" series?

  1. Ohio Players--Inquiring minds want to know if someone really got killed during "Roller Coaster."
  2. NRBQ--C'mon, let's hear about the "Tapdancing Bats" tour!
  3. Albert Lee--No, no, no, not the "Going Home" guy from Woodstock.
  4. Roy Buchanan--How exactly do you hang yourself from a bar less than 4 feet off the floor?
  5. The Hollywood Argyles--What was the inspiration for "Alley Oop"?
  6. Neal McCoy--Really, we want to know where he gets his karaoke tapes.

So, Dan, what are some good ways to spend Labor Day?

  1. Cover your bicycle with Britney Spears stickers and ride around.
  2. Drink a twelve-pack of Old Style and sit in with whoever's at the American Legion.
  3. File a grievance with the musician's union. (Yes, I'm a member, thanks.)
  4. Check out the fabulous video documentary, "The Dancing Outlaw." Watch it until you've memorized all the dialogue. "I'm tired of eatin' them sloppy, slimy eggs."
  5. Order a labor-saving device, such as the spectacular "Egg Wave."

So, Dan, how about some pointers for young people who intend to pursue a career in the music industry?

  1. Learn to make that "ay-ay-ay-ay" noise that Britney Spears makes.
  2. Clown make-up.
  3. Use three names and sand the finish off your guitar.
  4. Become a speech therapist and help Bob Dylan learn to enunciate clearly.
  5. Develop a sullen and menacing demeanor (men),
    or a vulnerable pout (women).
  6. Develop a sullen and menacing demeanor (women),
    or a vulnerable pout (men).
  7. Learn how to recruit, develop, and maintain an entourage ("posse").

So, Dan, we hear you are going to have a website at www.dans-music.com. You don't even have a computer. What's up with that?

  1. My baby sister made me do it.
  2. One more step in my quest for global domination.
  3. Did I mention that I bought a 4-track digital recorder?
  4. My mom started "surfin' the Net."
  5. Hoping to have a wonderful "new millennium."
  6. Since I still have no computer, I won't have to answer e-mail.
  7. Thinking about getting me one of them fancy push-button phones!

So, Dan, in light of the recent disclosure by Melissa Etheridge that David Crosby artificially inseminated her significant other, who are some other potential donors and recipients?

  1. Mick Jagger-Carly Simon
  2. Meat Loaf-Carnie Wilson
  3. Ted Nugent-Jane Fonda
  4. Mike Tyson-Marge Schott
  5. Bob Dole-Elizabeth Dole
  6. "Weird Al" Yankovich-Sheryl Crow
  7. Earl Scruggs-Hilary Clinton
  8. Ru Paul-John Rocker

So, Dan, what are some questions you never get tired of hearing? And your responses?

  1. "Are these picks free?"
    Why, sure! So are the guitars, strings, etc.!
  2. "Got any old Martins?"
    Why, certainly! I have a pre-war D-28 that I'll sell for $400.00 just to get rid of it!
  3. "Is this really John Lennon's guitar?"
    Why, of course! Yoko gave it to me in payment for voice lessons.
  4. "How's business?"
    Why, thanks for your concern. My mom doesn't worry about me as much as you, kind stranger.
  5. "Is there tax on this guitar?"
    Why, of course not! That guitar is considered a grocery item. Like asparagus!

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for celebrating the Fourth of July?

  1. Drink a 12-pack of Red, White, and Blue beer and pass out.
  2. Sing "You're A Grand Old Flag" in your best James Cagney voice.
  3. Attach an 'N'Sync CD to a bottle rocket and launch it.
  4. Listen to your old "America" albums while drawing a picture of "alligator lizards in the air."
  5. Sing "Philadelphia Freedom" in your best Ethel Merman voice.
  6. Organize a "Million Redneck March" and go to Washington, D.C.
  7. Paint your sunburst '59 Les Paul with red, white, and blue house paint.