So, Dan...

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So, Dan, how about some New Year's resolutions for musicians?
D'answer

So, Dan, is there one guitar hustler Christmas carol that you consider your masterpiece?
D'answer

So, Dan, howzabout one of dem guitar hustler Christmas carols?
D'answer

So, Dan, got any more guitar hustling Christmas carols?
D'answer

So, Dan, would you please favor us with one of your ever-popular guitar hustlers' Christmas carols?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some tips for shoppers this Christmas season?
D'answer

So, Dan, what about upcoming CD releases?
D'answer

So, Dan, any thoughts on Veterans Day, which is November 11?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some musical pairings we are not likely to see any time soon?
D'answer

So, Dan, let's review the '80s, shall we?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about an update on the vintage market?
D'answer

So, Dan, we're thinking about buying Junior a guitar for Christmas. Any thoughts?
D'answer

So, Dan, why did you shave your head?
D'answer

So, Dan, what is the proper way to handle the drunk who keeps yelling for "Freebird" at the club gig?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some good things about being a professional nightclub musician?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some exciting new developments, as found in the fabulous publication, "Weekly World News?"
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some tips for buying a used guitar?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for a fun Labor Day weekend?
D'answer

So, Dan, we hear you've lost a lot of weight. What's up with that?
D'answer

So, Dan, we need to know some rules for behaving properly in a music store. Can you advise us?
D'answer

So, Dan, why is it so hot?
D'answer

So, Dan, based on your vast knowledge of computers, what's up with all these computer viruses?
D'answer

So, Dan, who are some people who don't need to be talked about on TV any more?
D'answer

So, Dan, what would you do if your music store went out of business?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some song titles and artists' names that we may not have been subjected to "back in the day"?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some changes in the guitar business in The New Millennium?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some fun activities for musicians on July 4th?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some clues that you should be playing country music at the club you're booked into?
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So, Dan, what are the staples of the musician's diet?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer vacation trips?
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So, Dan, why don't you allow singing in your store?
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So, Dan, how about some suggestions for summer vacation activities?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some nice ideas for graduation parties this year?
D'answer

So, Dan, how would you compare the music business of the new millennium to the music business of the old millennium?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some advice for high school seniors who are about to graduate?
D'answer

So, Dan, what effect has the recent surge in gasoline prices had on the music business?
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So, Dan, why do you persist in spending valuable advertising dollars on inane questions, descriptions of buggered guitars, and your own verbal jabs at great artists such as Insane Clown Posse and Neal McCoy?
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So, Dan, how about some universal truths?
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So, Dan, how about some celebrities who should give things up for Lent?
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So, Dan, what are some common misconceptions?
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So, Dan, any suggestions for those about to embark on a "Spring Break" trip?
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So, Dan, what are some important things to look for in a piece of used gear?
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So, Dan, what are some non-answers to the question, "How much do you want for your guitar?"
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So, Dan, any comments about the recent Grammy Awards show?
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So, Dan, what are some things about the Grammy Awards that mean nothing at all?
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So, Dan, what is the key to happiness?
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So, Dan, what are some Valentine's Day suggestions for musicians?
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So, Dan, who are some great guitarists people should know about, but most likely don't?
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So, Dan, any thoughts on the PBS series, "Ken Burns--Jazz," which has been on television recently?
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So, Dan, what are your predictions concerning the vintage guitar market?
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So, Dan, how about some potential chapter titles for the book "Being A Professional Musician For Dummies" (apologies to the I.D.G. books folks)?
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So, Dan, who are some musical celebrities you'd like to see wrestling each other on WWF Smackdown?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some New Year's resolutions for musicians?

  1. Quit your day gig and go full time. Significant other will be overjoyed.
  2. Get an SRV hat and become a Blues guitarist.
  3. Quit your day gig and stay part-time. See 1.
  4. Go back to school, and study this time, instead of playing euchre in the student center.
  5. Quit your day gig and open a music store. See 1 and 3.
Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas 2001

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
Heavy music was playing, I could not make it stop.
Marshall amps were on 10, guitars squealed and fed back,
The volume so high, I thought windows would crack!
My wife in the office was wearing ear plugs,
While Neon, our dog, had crawled under a rug,
And I, in frustration, tried to make them turn down,
But the thrashers and bashers drowned me out with the sound!
When, out in the street, there arose so much mayhem,
That, as in "Raising Arizona," I could just say, "Okay, then."
A white van was sliding toward the store through the snow,
And it screeched to a halt just outside the front door.
The driver got out, and he belched once or twice,
And cursed like a sailor as he fell on the ice.
He crawled to his feet, stumbled into the shop,
When he heard the commotion, he quickly yelled, "STOP!!!
I'm here hustlin' guitars, and you're makin' it hard,
And you're makin' it tough on my store-owner pard!"
All the noisemaking stopped, it was quiet again,
And I turned to the hustler, and said, "Many thanks, friend!"
He said, "Kindness ain't weakness, so don't thank me, boy,
But I can't hustle nothin' with all that damn noise,
You ain't got no Martins, so you're no friend of mine!"
He got into his van, and took off down the line,
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all...and by the way, ya got any other stuff in the back?"

So, Dan, howzabout one of dem guitar hustler Christmas carols?

Why certainly, my young friend! (To the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

"Looking For A Deal On Old Guitars"

Old guitars, we'll be finding,
And our teeth, we'll be grinding,
We're searching the stores, it ain't fun no more,
Looking for a deal on old guitars.

As we crawl, through the trash can,
Old Les Paul, but it's smashed, man,
It just ain't the same, as back in the day,
Looking for a deal on old guitars.

Remember when old Martins could be bought cheap?
Strats were only fifty bucks or so.
Now we're down to digging through the trash heap,
And dragging import stuff to guitar shows,

It was fun, while it lasted,
Let's go home, and get blasted,
We're surfing the Net, no deals will we get,
Looking for a deal on old guitars!

So, Dan, got any more guitar hustling Christmas carols?

I'm lousy wid 'em, baby! (to the tune of "White Christmas")

"I'm Dreaming of an Old Martin"

I'm dreaming of an old Martin,
Just like the one I saw at Gruhn's,
It won't need the neck set, or frets replaced yet,
And it'll play perfectly in tune...

I'm dreaming of an old Martin,
I'll find one in a music store.
I'd pay three hundred dollars or so,
If you have one to sell just let me know.

So, Dan, would you please favor us with one of your ever-popular guitar hustlers' Christmas carols?

Why, certainly...(to the tune of "Jingle Bells").

"Things to Sell"

Dashing through the stores, in search of old guitars,
We're not retail whores, like these salesmen are.
We don't pay no rent, we sell stuff on E-Bay,
Make a lot of money and no taxes do we pay, ohhh...

Things to sell, things to sell, selling on the Net,
Not too many bargains but folks haven't noticed yet,
Things to sell, things to sell, guitars on E-Bay,
Don't know if they're any good 'cause we don't even play!

So, Dan, how about some tips for shoppers this Christmas season?

  1. Don't drink alcohol while shopping. This leads to bad choices such as buying your wife an outfit that makes her look like a hooker along Washington Street.
  2. Keep your energy up by eating lots of bean dip at your favorite Mexican restaurant. This also will allow you to shop without being in big crowds.
  3. Use common sense. Little kids often like the boxes more than the actual gift that's inside. Go to the dumpster and grab some free cardboard boxes. Perfect!
  4. Wear comfortable clothing, unless what makes you comfortable is in violation of state or local decency ordinances.
  5. Give the gift of music. Hire a strolling violinist to go to your ex's house and play "Lady of Spain" while standing at the front door at 6:00 A.M..
  6. Finally, remember to buy everyone on your list a copy of "The Buzztones' Greatest Hits." Check them out on the Web at http://griole.tripod.com.

So, Dan, what about upcoming CD releases?

  1. Garth Brooks says this will be his last studio album. Promise?
  2. A live concert album by Petula Clark? Gold for sure...
  3. A live album from The Fixx, Berlin, and The Motels? Why?
  4. A tribute album to Jeff Lynne? Bet it sounds like ELO. (After all, he made the Beatles sound like ELO!)
  5. A new Boy George album...maybe he should call Garth Brooks for some career advice.
  6. "Barry Manilow debuts as a cabaret artist with "Here at the Mayflower". The Mayflower is a bath house, right? Whatever...
  7. Buy the new Maura McConnell CD - She is truly phenomenal!!!

So, Dan, any thoughts on Veterans Day, which is November 11?

Yes. I've got nothing funny today. Instead, I want to thank all the veterans of the US armed forces (and current members) for their bravery and vigilance in keeping America free. Thank you.

So, Dan, what are some musical pairings we are not likely to see any time soon?

  1. George Jones & Phatty Banks Presents Club Drama.
  2. Bubba Sparxxx & Andrea Bocelli.
  3. Toby Keith & Jagged Edge with Nelly.
  4. CeCe Winans & Eminem.
  5. Martina McBride & Insane Clown Posse.
  6. O-Town & George Strait.
  7. Last, but not least, Po' White Trash & The Trailer Park Symphony, with Carlton Pearson and the Azusa Mass Choir.

So, Dan, let's review the '80s, shall we?

  1. Kip Winger was actually Barry Gibb with hair extensions.
  2. Angus Young really IS in 4th grade.
  3. Scott Ian wants Tibet given back to the Tibetans -- meanwhile, he'll be at the Playboy Mansion having a martini!
  4. Three major guitar companies have built Richie Sambora signature models...what up with that?
  5. Tommy Aldridge's birthday is August 15, 1922.
  6. Free set of strings to the first person who can identify Garry Nutt. Really.

So, Dan, how about an update on the vintage market?

  1. Back in the day, everyone wanted old guitars. Now, they all want extra bottles of water and a shotgun.
  2. Better to put your money in tech stocks.
  3. When guns are outlawed, only millionaires will have vintage guitars. Huh?!?!?
  4. The Internet has made everyone a retailer, an expert, a shipper, etc., but remember, caveat emptor, which is Latin for, "Oh, #%&!, we're out of caviar!"
  5. I remember, back in the day, when the Vintage Market was located down at 7th and Main. Boy, they used to have some killer deals!

So, Dan, we're thinking about buying Junior a guitar for Christmas. Any thoughts?

  1. Find one that goes with the curtains in Junior's room.
  2. Make sure not to spend more than $40 or $50, because the little snot has never stuck with anything...remember when he wanted to have a pet goldfish, and then didn't feed it, and it died? He probably won't play it, anyway.
  3. Buy the best one you can afford. When Junior, that ungrateful little wastrel, loses interest in the guitar, you can hold it against him for longer if you've sunk tons of money in it.
  4. Remember that girls love musicians; if you insist on buying Junior a guitar, you are taking a big chance that Junior will end up a dead-beat teenage father, his life ruined by fast women and back support lawsuits.
  5. Finally, what if Junior goes down to the crossroads, makes a deal with the devil, trades his soul for the ability to play like no one else, and dies, poisoned by a jealous husband, at the end crawling on all fours, and barking like a dog? Do you want to be responsible for all that? Well?

So, Dan, why did you shave your head?

  1. Starting a Smashing Pumpkins tribute band...I'll be Billy Corgan.
  2. Preparing for role in "The King and I"...I'll be Yul Brynner. Got a light?
  3. Starring in TV movie, "Kojak Comes Back"...who loves ya?
  4. Preparing for 2002 Olympics...able to high dive better. More streamlined! (Yeah, right, I get dizzy on a two-rung stepladder!)
  5. Starting sideline as Patrick Stewart impersonator at Star Trek conventions. Oh, I forgot, I've never seen an episode of Star Trek. What was I thinking?!?!

So, Dan, what is the proper way to handle the drunk who keeps yelling for "Freebird" at the club gig?

  1. Tell him, "Shut up, Dad, I'm trying to sing!"
  2. Go ahead and play the song. Then play it again, and again. Hey, that's what they do on most classic rock stations.
  3. Sing "Freebird" while the rest of the band plays "Gimme Three Steps."
  4. Hand him your guitar and let him play "Freebird" while you go get a beer yourself. If he's any good, take a much-needed break.
  5. Look him right in the eye and say forcefully, "Je ne comprend pas."
  6. Say to him, "You Buzztones think you're too good to be nice to your fans, but you'll be sorry someday!" (Check out Buzztones on the web!)
  7. Say, "Hey, weren't you in here last night? I never forget a shirt!" (Or some other hackneyed "Response to Hecklers 101" answer).

So, Dan, what are some good things about being a professional nightclub musician?

  1. Steady pay (consistently low).
  2. Great work environment (dim lights, thick smoke, and loud, loud music).
  3. Job security (as long as the excise police don't raid the club).
  4. Flexible hours (four 1-hour sets, or five 45-minute sets, your choice).
  5. Great benefits (free drinks, maybe a free sandwich now and then).
  6. Chance for advancement (if you practice long hours and get better, maybe you'll get to play lead on a couple of songs...or maybe even get to sing lead on one!)

So, Dan, what are some exciting new developments, as found in the fabulous publication, "Weekly World News?"

  1. A frog baby was born in my long-past home of Kansas City.
  2. The famous Bat Boy escaped from a hospital. (Next week, Bat Boy on the lam!)
  3. Rosie O'Donnell may well be suffering from the dreaded "Shrinking Face Syndrome." UGGHH!!
  4. Nixon had the hots for Angie Dickinson. So, what's the problem? That's one of the few things he got right.
  5. Oh, come on, these are the jokes, friends!
  6. Last, but not least, if you bow down and say, "Lord, I truly need money," you will be showered with wealth from above. I'm not kidding.

So, Dan, how about some tips for buying a used guitar?

  1. Bring along a knowledgeable friend to tell the seller what's wrong with what seems to be a perfectly good guitar.
  2. Ask for the best cash price. Then, go out to the car and get the 14 used cables, 8 old magazines, and the accordion you plan on trading in.
  3. Look down the neck. What are you looking for? Makes no difference, you'll just look good doing it.
  4. Tell the seller about the $25.00 Martin you didn't buy. This will establish that you won't fall for a bad deal.
  5. Finally, if you are buying the guitar over the Internet, put your ear right next to your computer, so you can hear what the guitar sounds like. Really.

So, Dan, how about some ideas for a fun Labor Day weekend?

  1. Get a real job.
  2. Go to a union picnic and eat for free if you belong to Local 3, American Federation of Musicians. Tell 'em I sent ya.
  3. Get organized. Okay, not my best material today...
  4. If you don't already know how to play the Hendrix-style national anthem, learn it this weekend. Play it over and over at top volume. People will love you for it.
  5. Root, root, root for the Cubbies. Look, they won't win anyway, so what's the harm in a little team spirit?
  6. Blame Fidel Castro for the recent shark attacks in Florida. Okay, nothing to do with Labor Day, but there's an article about it in World Weekly News. Read it for extra credit.

So, Dan, we hear you've lost a lot of weight. What's up with that?

  1. Haven't eaten in 4 months, in protest of cruel treatment of Mariah Carey.
  2. Living on 29 calories a day, mostly in the form of gummy bears.
  3. A successful attempt to confuse my ex--wife.
  4. The Jared diet -- I walk to Bloomington at lunch every day to get a submarine sandwich.
  5. Getting in shape to run for President in 2004 -- got to look good for the media, you know.
  6. During rough economic times, we all need to cut back on some of life's luxuries. We've cut down to one meal a week, consisting of gruel, suet, and melba toast. Yum, yum!!
  7. Trying to get back to my original weight... 5 lbs., 6 oz..(Rimshot, please!)

So, Dan, we need to know some rules for behaving properly in a music store. Can you advise us?

  1. You should always let 3 year-olds grab as many guitars as they feel like grabbing.
  2. Never wash the barbecue sauce off your hands before playing the expensive guitars.
  3. Don't make eye contact with any employees. Instead, dart furtively around the store, mumbling under your breath.
  4. Never, ever mention a band from the '70s called the Buzztones.
  5. Finally, remember that the best way to get a good deal is to play really loud, almost right versions of '80s hits.

So, Dan, why is it so hot?

  1. Because the air conditioner is broken.
  2. The unusual convergence of a heavy air mass, being pushed up from the Gulf by something....
  3. We are in hell.
  4. Pamela Anderson.
  5. The sun gods are angry.
  6. Too many people using aerosol deodorants.
  7. The Buzztones. Or maybe the Electric Amish.

So, Dan, based on your vast knowledge of computers, what's up with all these computer viruses?

  1. They're being sent by the companies that sell anti-virus software.
  2. Aliens are responsible for them.
  3. They were invented by Al Gore.
  4. The viruses don't really exist, since they are in "cyberspace."
  5. They occur as a result of a '70s band known as "the Buzztones." (The Buzztones are also responsible for world hunger, Jeff Beck's tinnitis, and a really angry woman from up north.)

So, Dan, who are some people who don't need to be talked about on TV any more?

  1. Gary Condit - Not a suspect...yeah, sure.
  2. Jenna Bush - Or her sister, either.
  3. Hillary Clinton - Our next president? Let's re-read "Primary Colors."
  4. Monica Lewinsky - Jeez, who cares if it's her birthday?
  5. Bill Clinton - Go back to your Harlem office, please.
  6. For that matter, anyone else involved in D.C. stuff - let's all tune in to the Animal Planet!

So, Dan, what would you do if your music store went out of business?

  1. I'd open a concession stand and sell elephant ears and jumbo tenderloins.
  2. Buy some wingtips and a suit, and get a job at a big chain store.
  3. Go back and get my teaching license, and move to NYC to teach gangstas American history.
  4. Get a pair of Wranglers and a black hat, and go on the road entering karaoke contests.
  5. Become a high-priced consultant.
  6. Move to a small Third World country, and become a benevolent dictator after a bloodless coup.

So, Dan, how about some song titles and artists' names that we may not have been subjected to "back in the day"?

  1. "Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" -- What?!?!?!
  2. "Your Disease" by Saliva -- Eeww, gross...
  3. "Bootylicious" -- More information than needed.
  4. Da Beatminerz featuring Flipmode Squad & Vinia Mojica -- Weird name for a bluegrass band, ain't it?
  5. "Hash Pipe" by Weezer -- Arrest me, please!
  6. "Stinkfist" by Tool -- I don't want to know...
  7. I guess I AM old, after all!

So, Dan, what are some changes in the guitar business in The New Millennium?

  1. More female guitarists than in The Old Millennium.
  2. Everyone is looking for "that good, clean, distortion." ?????
  3. Everyone in the world, including Third World nations, has a copy of the Musician's Friend catalog.
  4. The state of Indiana apparently repealed the sales tax on music products, and nobody told me.
  5. More people playing in church than in bars. Consequently, trade-in amps look and smell much better than in the Previous Millennium.
  6. The influence of top-level bands such as the Buzztones, Little Jimmy Nugent, and Go, Monkey, Go! is seemingly all-pervasive...Britney who???

So, Dan, how about some fun activities for musicians on July 4th?

  1. Play an outdoor gig with no shade, and don't wear any sunscreen.
  2. Take your acoustic guitar to a picnic, and sing a bunch of your original songs about people trying to burn your flag.
  3. Go to my friend Martha's house and enjoy her lovely, Ethel Merman-inspired version of "God Bless America" by the pool.
  4. Paint yourself red, white, and blue, and appear naked at your ex's picnic. Play the "Star Spangled Banner" for the assembled guests on the accordion that your Aunt Geraldine left you in her will.
  5. Ask my friend Frank, an ex-Marine who served in Vietnam, how he feels about people who dodged the draft. Run for your life!
  6. Go to the Symphony on the Prairie, drink some wine, eat some bread and cheese, and pretend to know something about classical music.
  7. Drink a case of Red, White, and Blue beer, eat some hot dogs, and sing Charlie Daniels' "In America" really, really LOUD!

So, Dan, what are some clues that you should be playing country music at the club you're booked into?

  1. More than four '80s Olds Cutlasses in the parking lot.
  2. A majority of cars have Jack Daniels license plates.
  3. Lots of Billy Ray Cyrus haircuts.
  4. Only non-country songs on jukebox are by .38 Special.
  5. Two or more girls wearing t-shirts with pictures of skeletons in various sexual positions.
  6. Lunch special consists of fried baloney sandwich, Cheetos, and choice of Old Milwaukee or PBR.
  7. Tractor(s) parked in front of bar.
  8. Hey, I love country music, these are only some observations based on 32 years of playing these joints.

So, Dan, what are the staples of the musician's diet?

  1. Ramen noodles.
  2. Bologna sandwiches.
  3. Last night's leftover White Castles.
  4. Last night's leftover pizza.
  5. More Ramen noodles.
  6. Beer.
  7. Ice from the motel's machine (even if you're not staying there).
  8. Biscuits and gravy.
  9. Ramen noodles and beer.

So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer vacation trips?

  1. Drive out to D.C. and hang with Jenna B. for a while...maybe grab a few brewskies.
  2. Drive down to Nashville and hang out at Tootsie's Orchid Lounge. Play for tips all summer and enjoy lovely Music City.
  3. Drive out to Montrose, Missouri and visit my Uncle Willard and Aunt Marcella. They love having company.
  4. Drive out West on Route 66. Look for the gas station where Ellen Burstyn ended up in "Resurrection", one of the best movies ever.
  5. Drive to Castleton during rush hour. I'll call your shrink for you.

So, Dan, why don't you allow singing in your store?

  1. It scares my dog.
  2. I hate music.
  3. It might lead to dancing, which might lead to, well, you know....
  4. Singing might lead to performing original music. We can't have that!
  5. Allowing singing might encourage lead vocalists to come in, which could lead to LSD (Lead Singer's Disease), a sometimes fatal, and always painful, syndrome.

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for summer vacation activities?

  1. Buy a Jeep Grand Wagoneer and travel the country as long as you can afford $2.00 a gallon gas in a 8 mpg vehicle.
  2. Buy an Airstream trailer that needs rehabbed, and spend your vacation fund on fixing it up so your driveway looks cool.
  3. Spend the summer going to different music stores asking, "Ya got any old Gibsons or Martins in the back?"
  4. Enter a rehab program. Escape like Robert Downey, Jr.
  5. Spend the summer stalking a celebrity, and if possible, marry that person. However, don't be surprised if you end up being mysteriously shot while your spouse goes back into the restaurant to get his/her gun!

So, Dan, how about some nice ideas for graduation parties this year?

  1. Go to a local park and everyone strip naked. Then find the nearest policeman or ranger and explain that you've lost your clothes and need a ride home.
  2. Crash a party of someone you've never met, eat some food, hang for an hour or so, and leave without any explanation.
  3. If it's your graduation party, stand at the door and charge admission, explaining that since you have no intention of working or going to college, it's going to be necessary for these people to support you.
  4. Take this opportunity to cop as many cheap feels as you can, since no one will want to risk ruining this beautiful occasion by making a scene.
  5. If it's your party, leave in the middle of it, explaining that you need to go turn a couple of tricks to support your crack habit.
  6. Hey, come on, this is not for real...don't try this at home.

So, Dan, how would you compare the music business of the new millennium to the music business of the old millennium?

  1. Fashion has changed from polyester suits and wingtips to golf shirts and wingtips.
  2. E-Bay has replaced flea markets as the place to look for $25.00 Martin D-28s.
  3. Giant superstores have made small, mom-and-pop sotres obsolete, thus ensuring that thousands of store owners will eat rat poison.
  4. The "street price" of entry-level electric guitars will soon be 59 cents.
  5. The trend is away from vintage guitars. Soon, vintage stores will offer, "Buy one '57 Strat, get twelve free!"

So, Dan, how about some advice for high school seniors who are about to graduate?

  1. Go to college and study history and political science. This degree qualifies you to wear an "alumni" sweatshirt.
  2. Join a band and go on the road. Your family will be really happy.
  3. Marry your high school sweetheart. This guarantees a solid financial future and a lovely family life.
  4. Take your college fund money and invest in Amazon.bomb.
  5. Get a job as a waiter/waitress. You'll meet a millionaire who will take you to Florida and you'll live happily ever after.

So, Dan, what effect has the recent surge in gasoline prices had on the music business?

  1. Surge in sales of steam-powered guitars
  2. Bands hitch-hiking to gigs
  3. Club owners cutting bands' pay, saying, "The money has to come from somewhere."
  4. Insane Clown Posse was forced to cancel their tour of Border's bookstores.
  5. The Electric Amish have taken the lead as top-grossing touring act of 2001, because no one else can afford to tour.
  6. "Get That Gasoline Blues," by NRBQ, will soon be a #1 hit on the charts.

So, Dan, why do you persist in spending valuable advertising dollars on inane questions, descriptions of buggered guitars, and your own verbal jabs at great artists such as Insane Clown Posse and Neal McCoy?

  1. Too much coffee.
  2. Lost 20 IQ points in Muncie.
  3. It's either spend the $$ on stupid ads, or use it to buy Debbie Gibson CDs.
  4. A man's got to know his limitations.

So, Dan, how about some universal truths?

  1. The repair on your amp will cost more and take longer than estimated.
  2. The club owner drinks even more than you were told to expect.
  3. The cute waitress's boyfriend can, and will, kick your butt.
  4. A full moon brings out the "best" in bar patrons.
  5. When the booking agent says, "This club has just been remodeled," he's referring to the fresh coat of black paint on the walls and ceiling.
  6. Anyone who says there is no God has never gotten home okay from a road gig having spent 24-7 in vans and motels with three other tired, smelly musicians.

So, Dan, how about some celebrities who should give things up for Lent?

  1. Bob Dylan--Trying to play lead guitar.
  2. M&M--"The universal adjective."
  3. Keith Richards--I can't think of anything.
  4. Celine Dion--That chest-pounding thing. Enough already.
  5. Diana Ross--Her career.
  6. Frank Dean--His Hank, Sr. items. (To me. Really, I'll give 'em back!)
  7. The "Electric Amish"--Their generator.
  8. Insane Clown Posse--Their "rapper" names, the hand gesture thing, the wrestling bit, the Kiss makeup, etc., etc., etc....

So, Dan, what are some common misconceptions?

  1. "It don't take no talent to play __________." (Pick one: rock'n'roll, country, blues.)
  2. "You can always get a better deal at the place with the biggest payroll and the highest rent. Think about it, kids.
  3. "Anybody can fix a guitar--takes about two weeks to learn." I think I'll go home and rebuild my transmission!
  4. "I bought this guitar new for $99.00 but it's really worth over $200.00." Voodoo economics in the New Millennium.

So, Dan, any suggestions for those about to embark on a "Spring Break" trip?

  1. Try to avoid any behavior that might end up as part of a Penthouse article.
  2. Alcohol and balcony railings don't mix.
  3. If interviewed on MTV, please don't make any hand gestures in an attempt to look like Dr. Dre, ya know what Ah'm sayin'.
  4. Tattoos are forever. Ask Roseanne. Worse still, ask Tom Arnold.
  5. Relax, shark attacks are not usually fatal.
  6. Remember, you have the rest of your life to atone for your actions.

So, Dan, what are some important things to look for in a piece of used gear?

  1. Loose change.
  2. Spiders.
  3. Half-eaten McDonald's fish sandwiches.
  4. Mouse droppings.
Oh. You meant what? Okay, then...
  1. Obvious signs of neglect (old clothes, stubble on chin, etc.)
  2. Obvious repairs (mismatched shingles, patched plaster, etc.)
  3. The important thing to know is that the dealer is going to stand behind the used gear. (I'm standing behind an ampeg right now.)

So, Dan, what are some non-answers to the question, "How much do you want for your guitar?"

  1. "I know what I paid for it."
  2. "As much as I can get. Ha-ha-ha!"
  3. "I've turned down _____ dollars for it." (Fill in the blank with a number larger than the price of a new Mercedes SUV.)
  4. "I'm just taking offers right now."
  5. "I seen one on E-Bay for _____ dollars." (Fill in the blank with a number larger than Anna Nicole Smith's bank balance.)

So, Dan, any comments about the recent Grammy Awards show?

  1. Paul Simon's ballcap looks better than that carpet he used to wear.
  2. Toni Braxton actually was nude, but some kids t.p.'d her.
  3. M&M--I like that "Stan" song.
  4. Why would a guy who calls himself "The Edge" care about Dale Earnhart?
  5. Why would a guy call himself "The Edge," for that matter?
  6. Why would a guy call himself "Bono Vox" ("Beautiful Voice")?
  7. Did Tim McGraw like the fact that two hundredd fourteen million people saw his wife's butt crack?

So, Dan, what are some things about the Grammy Awards that mean nothing at all?

  1. Whether or not that M&M guy appears.
  2. Best country anything--"Hell, that ain't country!"
  3. Best rock anything--"Hey, that ain't rock'n'roll!"
  4. What kind of clothes Whitney Houston has on.
  5. What kind of dress Cher has on.
  6. Any speech by Faith Hill or Tim McGraw.
  7. Speculation about what, er, medication Whitney Houston is on.

So, Dan, what is the key to happiness?

  1. You need a dog.
  2. You also need a pickup truck.
  3. A bag of Cool Ranch Fritos.
  4. A six-pack of Diet-Rite Cola.
  5. You need a good tube amp.
  6. You also need a guitar that you really dig.
  7. You need someone to answer the phone when you call.
  8. Someone to love you even when you're acting like a real *??!+/%.
  9. A new Trader paper every week.
  10. Geez--that's a blatant kiss-up!

So, Dan, what are some Valentine's Day suggestions for musicians?

  1. "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind"
  2. Take her/him/other someplace nice for dinner (not the biker bar you're playing in).
  3. Take her/him/it to an "Electric Amish" concert--nothing is more romantic than that!
  4. Take her/him/his/hers for a ride in your Corvette--if you don't have one, call Mike Hoppe.
  5. Hire a strolling violinist to come over and play "Send In The Clowns"???

So, Dan, who are some great guitarists people should know about, but most likely don't?

  1. Jerry Miller of Moby Grape
  2. Al Anderson of NRBQ
  3. Johnny Spampinato, currently with NRBQ
  4. Jesse Ed Davis--the "Doctor My Eyes" solo
  5. David T. Walker--Lots of the cool Marvin Gaye and other Motown stuff
  6. Ray Flacke--"Highway 40 Blues"
  7. Billy Kirchen--Commander Cody's "Hot Rod Lincoln" Tele guy
  8. Roy Buchanan--the stuff from before he signed with Alligator Records
  9. Stevie Ray Vaughn--some Texas guy
  10. Ernie Isley--"Who's That Lady?"

So, Dan, any thoughts on the PBS series, "Ken Burns--Jazz," which has been on television recently?

  1. Can't wait till they show the episode focusing on Kenny G.
  2. It would be better if they didn't play all that "horn" music.
  3. Looks to me like all of them jazz clubs had people smokin' and drinkin' and dancin' and goin' wild in general...not good.
  4. Can't wait to see if they interview Terry Adams when they get to the Thelonius Monk part. (This is an obscure reference, of course, to my favorite band, NRBQ.)
  5. Art Tatum was almost as good a pianist as John Tesh!
  6. Charlie Parker could have played good music using an EggWave®.

So, Dan, what are your predictions concerning the vintage guitar market?

  1. The market will move from its current location to a site being developed by Wal-Mart.
  2. The only guitars that will increase in value will be '80s models with locking tremolos and skull graphics.
  3. Old Gibson acoustics will begin to "spontaneously combust" due to the gradual breakdown of the glue used in their construction.
  4. Leo Fender will be found out to have been a German spy during WWII and no one will want Fender guitars.
  5. Vintage dealers (No, not old dealers! Dealers in vintage guitars!) will be licensed by a commission headed up by Bud Selig.

So, Dan, how about some potential chapter titles for the book "Being A Professional Musician For Dummies" (apologies to the I.D.G. books folks)?

  1. Bar Band Etiquette 101
  2. Sharing A Room With Three Other Musicians When There Are Only Two Towels
  3. Know Your Bar Tab
  4. Ten Common Mistakes When Dealing With A Club Owner Who Is Drunk
  5. Promoting Yourself To Other Bands Without Getting Fired By The Band You're With
  6. Say Hello To Mr. Booking Agent
  7. What Retirement Account?
  8. Survival On Baloney Sandwiches And Ramen Noodles

So, Dan, who are some musical celebrities you'd like to see wrestling each other on WWF Smackdown?

  1. Eminem vs. L'il Bow-wow
  2. Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears
  3. Iggy Pop vs. Celine Dion
  4. Insane Clown Posse vs. Brooks and Dunn
  5. Hank Williams, Jr. vs. Hank Williams III
  6. Meat Loaf vs. Melissa Etheridge
  7. Ted Nugent vs. 'N' Sync
  8. David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar
  9. Neal McCoy vs. Dixie Chicks