So, Dan...

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So, Dan, how about a Christmas poem before we go to sleep?
D'answer

So, Dan, if we promise to go right to sleep when it's over, can we hear another guitar hustler's Christmas carol? Please?
D'answer

So, Dan, would you favor us with yet another guitar hustler's Christmas carol?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about one of those fabulous guitar hustler Christmas songs?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things NOT to care about?
D'answer

So, Dan, what do you think of the recent trend among female singers to wear less and less clothing?
D'answer

So, Dan, what do you think of the recent news that Mars Music is going out of business?
D'answer

So, Dan, any Halloween suggestions for musicians?
D'answer

So, Dan, can the case be made that the most annoying act in history is The Captain & Tenille?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Columbus Day?
D'answer

So, Dan, annoying records are so much fun...how about some more of those?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some observations concerning the vintage guitar market?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some odd questions or statements people have made in your music store?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about one last round of awful vocal performances?
D'answer

So, Dan, surely we're not finished with annoying vocal performances, are we?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some particularly annoying vocal performances?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some tips on college courses that should be taken by aspiring professional musicians?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things to remember when playing outdoor gigs this summer?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some songs that are guaranteed to cause people to do the "Falling Apart Dance," which most musicians, to their dismay, have witnessed?
D'answer

So, Dan, who are some pop songwriters who probably couldn't get arrested in the current popular music scene?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some more bad cover versions of good songs?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some truly awful covers of great songs?
D'answer

So, Dan, why the recent surge in interest in roots music?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for keeping cool this summer?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some activities for musicians on the 4th of July?
D'answer

So, Dan, who are some current performers whose work is destined to be remembered as classic stuff 50 years from now?
D'answer

So, Dan, this year Cher is doing her "final" tour...any thoughts?
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So, Dan, why did you move your store?
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So, Dan, why are you moving your store?
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So, Dan, if one is very, very bad, and winds up in Hell, what songs could one expect to find on the jukebox?
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So, Dan, how about some more horrifying medleys?
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So, Dan, how about a "Battle of the Blands"?
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So, Dan, how about some suggestions for medleys (something suitable for the local holiday hotel lounge)?
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So, Dan, what are some records that could have "benefited" from the famous Phil Spector "Wall of Sound," as made famous on the bludgeoned-to-death "Let It Be" soundtrack?
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So, Dan, what are some potential summer jobs in the lucrative field of the "music business"?
D'answer

So, Dan, any advice on investing in vintage guitars?
D'answer

Please, mister, please...how about one more round of bad songs?
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So, Dan, how about some more bad songs?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some of the worst records in history?
D'answer

So, Dan,how about some ideas for celebrating St. Patrick's Day?
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So, Dan,how about some useless music trivia questions?
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So, Dan, what are some things a musician should look for when buying a car?
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So, Dan, any thoughts on the Winter Olympics?
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So, Dan, how about some suggestions for celebrating President's Day?
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So, Dan, what are some suggested Valentine's Day activities for musicians?
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So, Dan, what if the groundhog sees his shadow on Feb. 2 (Groundhog Day)?
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So, Dan, how about some good candidates for the Colts' head coaching job?
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So, Dan, what do you make of this magician, David Blaine?
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So, Dan, how about some universal truths for musicians, especially pertaining to playing gigs during winter?
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So, Dan, how about some tips for musicians on the road?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about a Christmas poem before we go to sleep?
Okay, lil' pards, then it's time to call it a night....

"The Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas 2002"

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the store,
I was waiting on customers,
Just a retail sales whore.
While back in the office,
My wife did the books,
To pay for the guitars
That hung on the hooks.
Outside it was snowing,
And the parking lot glistened,
Then a clamour arose
So I secretly listened.
"Git yore hands off that Martin!"
The old hustler exclaimed,
"I seen it first, buddy!"
And his meaning was plain.
Just then 'round the corner,
In a white Chevy van,
Flew a white-bearded stranger
Drinking beer from a can,
He said, "Dance with the fat man!
That guitar I'll be takin',"
And he laughed at the hustler,
Till his beer gut was shakin',
Then he turned my direction,
And said with a sneer,
"I'll take all the old guitars
That you have in here,
And I'll send you a check,
You just tell me the number,
Then I'll let you get home
For your Christmas Eve slumber,"
But I heard him exclaim,
As he drove off the lot,
"I didn't really want this old Martin....
You take it. Merry Christmas!"
Yeah, right.

So, Dan, if we promise to go right to sleep when it's over, can we hear another guitar hustler's Christmas carol? Please?
Okay, then.

"On E-bay, On E-bay, On E-bay"
(To the tune of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow")

Oh, I bought me a brand new guitar,
And the strings buzz like a sitar,
I got a good deal anyway,
On E-bay, on E-bay, on E-bay.

Oh, it must have got dropped in shipment,
By the way the freakin' neck's bent,
But I'm stuck with it anyway,
On E-bay, on E-bay, on E-bay.

When I finally saw the light,
It was too late to send the thing back,
Now this guitar just won't play right,
So I'm stuck with a big piece of crap!

Oh, it's not like what I sent for,
Like they say, caveat emptor,
So the auction begins today,
On E-bay, on E-bay, on E-bay!

So, Dan, would you favor us with yet another guitar hustler's Christmas carol?
Why, certainly, my fair and gentle reader.

Found Myself A Vintage Martin Guitar
(To the tune of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas)

Found myself a vintage Martin guitar, bought it for a song,
Hope that it's pre-war, I hope that I ain't wrong...
Found myself a vintage Martin guitar, bought it on the 'Net,
I ain't never seen another like it yet...

Here it is, in its "Coffin Case", which has been replaced, that's true.
Whatcha mean? It can't be Korean, looks like I have been just screwed!

Soon I will be selling it to someone, an unsuspecting rube,
I'll cash the check before they ever get a clue...
Then I'll find myself a vintage Martin guitar, too!

So, Dan, how about one of those fabulous guitar hustler Christmas songs?
Okay, folks, here we go again....

Old Guitars (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Sneaking up on you, in search of old guitars,
We used to buy them new, when we could go to Mars,
But now we're vintage buffs, and only want the best,
So show us all your old guitars, forget about the rest!

Old guitars, old guitars, made in U.S.A.,
We'll buy them on the Internet if that's the only way, oh,
Old guitars, old guitars, can we go through your trash?
Don't care how we find them, we just want to make some cash!

So, Dan, how about some things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

  1. Haven't heard a Slade record in years.
  2. If "Precious and Few" comes on the radio, it can be turned off.
  3. Ditto for "Cherish."
  4. NRBQ is still making albums.
  5. Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds are not.
  6. The Captain and Tennille are still making albums, but I haven't heard them.
  7. John Hiatt is still making albums, and is still a real man. Check out the Lincoln in his garage.
  8. The Electric Amish are alive and touring. Hooray!!
  9. Ditto for Paul Rodgers. Yum! --Anita

So, Dan, what are some things NOT to care about?

  1. J-Lo's love life.
  2. Britney Spears' sexual experience.
  3. Anything to do with Eminem.
  4. Whether Madonna's new movie goes in the tank.
  5. Who gets appointed as WorldCom's CEO.
  6. The new release by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
  7. Anything to do with Princess Di's butler.
  8. The guilt or innocence of Winona Ryder.
  9. Shaq's big toe.

So, Dan, what do you think of the recent trend among female singers to wear less and less clothing?

  1. I find it to be a disturbing indicator of moral decline in the music industry.
  2. What?!?
  3. Oh, like Madonna and Wendy O. Williams hadn't already done the same thing.
  4. No problem, as long as Barbara Steisand and Liza Minnelli don't try it. Or Elton John, for that matter.
    Paul Rodgers should consider it, though. Maybe that's all it will take to finally make him a star after 30+ years in the biz! --Anita
  5. Back to that "moral decline" thing -- don't you watch "VH1 Behind the Music?" Man, a lot of people almost lost it all!
  6. Christina Aguilera -- she almost lost it all...good thing she had that guitar to cover up with!

So, Dan, what do you think of the recent news that Mars Music is going out of business?

  1. Who?
  2. Oh, THAT Mars Music...that's the huge chain of stores, right?
  3. It's too bad for their employees.
  4. In response to the statement that Mars openings had put some mom-and -pop stores out of business, the founder of Mars, Mark Begelman, was quoted in the January 1999 issue of Music, Inc., "The good guys survive. The bad guys go away. That's the way it is in business." Huh.
  5. Congratulations to Linda, Rick, Kevin, Tom, Paul, Larry, Robert K., Dave, Dave H., Dean, Rod, John B., Jason, Tom H., and all the other area music store owners or managers who are--surprise, surprise--STILL IN BUSINESS!! The good guys survive.

So, Dan, any Halloween suggestions for musicians?

  1. Dress up like Paul Rodgers (in one of his multiple--3 or 4, at least!--cheesy rockstar ensembles) and go door-to-door singing "Bad Company."
    (Oh, and just TRY to look as good as HE does in that tank top and leather pants, my non-furry friends. Yes, he's a hairy little Brit wearing a lot of jewelry, but he's 53 this December, and a PRIME number it certainly is in his case.... --Anita)
  2. Dress up like Roy Clark, grab your Pignose amp, and play "Ghost Riders" on the porch.
  3. Dress up like Madonna, and roll around on the neighbor's lawn.
  4. Dress up like Warren Zevon, drink a fifth of vodka, and sing "Werewolves of London."
  5. Dress up like the fabulous Sammy Terry, and open a music store.
  6. Have everyone in the band dress up exactly like the drummer normally dresses. This is lots of fun, especially if you're not the drummer!
  7. Dress up like Neil Young, and play one note over and over and over....
  8. Wish Dan a happy birthday on the eve of the eve of the eve of All Saints Day. All Saints Day is Nov. 1; Halloween is the eve of All Saints (or Hallows) Day, on Oct. 31st; the eve of Halloween is Oct. 30; the eve of that is Dan's birthday -- the 29th.

So, Dan, can the case be made that the most annoying act in history is The Captain & Tenille?
Yes, that case can be made. I offer the follwing evidence:

  1. "Muskrat Love" - Especially the muskrat noises on the synth.
  2. "Shop Around" - Utterly without funk.
  3. "The Way That I Want To Touch You" - Surely violates some statute.
  4. "You Never Done It Like That" - Shockingly bad grammar!
  5. "Do That To Me One More Time" - Don't want to think about that.
  6. "I Write The Songs" - Man, can they pick 'em or not?!?
  7. "Lonely Night (Angel Face)" - What do it mean?
  8. "Love Will Keep Us Together" - Complete with fake mistake.
  9. "Por Amor Viviremos" - Spanish version of the above. AAAGGGHHH!!!

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate Columbus Day?

  1. Tell my webmaster, Anita Speider, happy birthday, as hers was October 10th.
  2. Try to go to Columbus, Ohio, but make some wrong turns, and end up in Louisville. When you get home, tell everyone you went to Columbus anyway.
  3. Go to a house down the road from your own, and inform the owner that you'll be claiming his property for your queen back home.
  4. Go back to Louisville, still maintaining that it's actually Columbus, Ohio.
  5. Inform the citizens of Louisville that you are claiming their uncivilized settlement for your leaders back home.
  6. Hey, what the heck, take the day off, even if it does celebrate someone who screwed up time after time. After all, it's still a day off!
  7. While you're in Louisville, bring back some spices, would ya?

So, Dan, annoying records are so much fun...how about some more of those?
Okay, loyal reader, here we go again....

  1. "Maneater" by Hall and Oates - Man, this has no soul!
  2. "Undercover Angel" by Alan O'Day - Music to collect Barbies by.
  3. "Rock And Roll Heaven" by the Righteous Brothers - From "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" to this...oh, yeah.
  4. "Little Willie Won't Go Home" by the Sweet - BLEECCHH!
  5. "Mockingbird" by Carly Simon and James Taylor - Everybody, have you hoid? I'm gonna buy me a mockingboid, Of soul this is totally devoid....
  6. "Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me) by Reunion (?) - Complete with imitation Clapton solo...man, does this blow!
  7. "Sister Golden Hair" by America - What is this song about? Anyone?
  8. "Party Town" by Glenn Frey - How can anyone grow up in Detroit and be this bland? Makes Leo Sayre sound like James Brown....
  9. "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian. Waaahhh.

So, Dan, how about some observations concerning the vintage guitar market?

  1. How old does the guitar market have to be to be considered "vintage"?
  2. Waiting for George Gruhn or Elderly Instruments to start a chain of vintage guitar stores.
  3. When refinishes are outlawed, only outlaws will have refins. Huh?1?
  4. Back in the day, everybody played vintage guitars, like Kramers and Lez Pawlz.
  5. When "Layla" was originally recorded, E.C.'s Strat was about 14 years old. So maybe a 1988 American Standard IS a vintage guitar!
  6. Like, those vintage Epiphones were made in Korea, man. They were SO much cooler than the new ones from China.
  7. I'm going to put all my money in pork futures. Whatever those are...

So, Dan, what are some odd questions or statements people have made in your music store?

  1. Do you rent tuning forks?
  2. Are these all the extra-long belts you have?
  3. Do you have a razor blade I can use to cut these callouses off my feet?
  4. Do you have any used clarinet reeds?
  5. Do you buy used harmonicas?
  6. Do you sell those curly cords that make the sound go ""Wooo-wooo?"
  7. I took my guitar apart to clean it, and now the tremolo bar won't stay in. (He had the bar stuck in the input jack).
  8. Is this the Social Security office?
  9. Do you have any left-handed capos?
  10. Permission to come aboard, sir! I can make a sound that will drive your dog crazy. AAOOEEWWOOAAOOEEWW!!!!!

So, Dan, how about one last round of awful vocal performances?
Okay, then....

  1. "Dock Of The Bay" by Michael Bolton. Yell it, baby!
  2. "Longfellow Serenade" by Neil Diamond. I actually like Neil, but this is excruciating.
  3. "Ebony And Ivory" by Paul McCartney and Mr. Potato Head. (Thanks, Jerry-san). Race Relations For Dummies (apologies to IDG Books).
  4. "Everything Is Beautiful" by Ray Stevens. Sing it, chilluns!
  5. "In The Year 2525" by Zager and Evans. Written by that Nostradamus guy.
  6. "The No-No Song" by Ringo. Or "Back Off Boogaloo." Whatever.
  7. "No Business Like Show Business" by Ethel Merman. Ow! My ears!
  8. "Flirtin' With Disaster" by the Outlaws. And you are, too, baby...
  9. "Beth" by Kiss. 80 grit sandpaper for the ear drums.
  10. "The Worst That Could Happen" by Brooklyn Bridge. Damn near.

So, Dan, surely we're not finished with annoying vocal performances, are we?
No, my young friend, we are just getting started. Here are some more bad ones....

  1. "Good Thing" by Mark Lindsay. Enough with the heavy breathing, already!
  2. "Gimme Dat Ding" by the Pipkins. I'd forgotten this...thanks, Frank.
  3. "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band. You'll never want to have sex again.
  4. "99 Red Balloons" by Nina. And a horrid video, too!
  5. "Without You" by Harry Nilsson. Vocal histrionics gone terribly wrong.
  6. "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" by Leo Sayre. No. No.
  7. "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins. Make it funky, Kenny!
  8. "Ice, Ice, Baby" by Vanilla Ice. Snoop Dogg you ain't, Mr. Ice.
  9. "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. Good video, though...midgets and all!
  10. "Come On, Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners. And if you ever saw the SNL episode where they "performed" it live, you are scarred for life, I'd imagine....

So, Dan, what are some particularly annoying vocal performances?

  1. "Betty Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes. Where's the Drano?
  2. "It's A Heartache" by Bonnie Tyler. See above.
  3. "Urgent" by Foreigner. Urgent, urgent, urgent, urgent...or is "Dirty White Boy" worse? Who cares?
  4. "Bread and Butter" by the Newbeats. Bad Frankie Valli copy.
  5. "This Guy's In Love With You" by Herb Alpert. Love the Brass, can't take this at all. No more mic for you, Herb.
  6. "I Don't Wanna Work" by Todd Rundgren. How can the same guy have done "I Saw The Light" and then this??
  7. "Happiest Girl In The Whole USA" by Donna Fargo. Like taking a bath in aspartame...eccchhh!
  8. "The Heat Is On" by Glenn Frey. Those soulful "whoops" just make me cringe.
  9. "Bobbie Sue" by the Oak Ridge Boys. Especially that guy with the low voice. Hey, J.D. Sumner you ain't. And quit pointing and winking at me!
  10. "The Twelfth of Never" by Donny Osmond. What does an eleven-year-old know about "Until the twelfth of anything?"

So, Dan, how about some tips on college courses that should be taken by aspiring professional musicians?

  1. Nutrition 101 - Ramen Noodles As A Dietary Staple
  2. Economics 200 - Positive Results From A Negative Balance Sheet
  3. Interpersonal Psychology 300 - Finding and Keeping a Girl/Boyfriend Who Has A Place You Can Stay
  4. Ancient History 412 - Focus On Music From The Period 1960-1990
  5. Britney Spears 500 - (Graduate Level - Must be preceeded by Whitney Houston 310 or Mickey Mouse Club Lecture Series)
  6. Record Industry 410 - The Legal Ramifications Of Signing Away Your Copyright In Return For A Recording Deal
  7. Vocal Performance 300 - Focus On Vocal Histrionics Designed To Reduce Emphasis On Song Structure And/Or Lyrical Content

So, Dan, what are some things to remember when playing outdoor gigs this summer?

  1. It's not a good idea to jump into the pool while plugged into your triple recidifier amp. (Yeah, I know it's "triple rectifier," that was on purpose).
  2. Although it would seem like 15 frosty beers would keep you plenty cool, you'll probably stay cooler if you drink water. Really.
  3. Don't forget to bring your Power Cat D-A300 Fan and Power Supply. (I'm trying to get an endorsement deal with these people, bear with me).
  4. Wear your rubbers, just in case, there could be a thunderstorm, or a tornado even.
  5. The sound guy is hot and tired, too, and you whining about the monitor mix probably won't go over very well.
  6. Don't use a nationally-advertised well-known mosquito repellent on your arms before playing your guitar. It will melt the finish on your guitar. I've seen this happen. Not cool.
  7. Finally, if a crow with West Nile virus lands on your amp stack, do not panic. Walk slowly to safety, avoiding eye contact with the aforementioned crow. Go home and close all the curtains, and lock all the doors, just to be sure.

So, Dan, what are some songs that are guaranteed to cause people to do the "Falling Apart Dance," which most musicians, to their dismay, have witnessed?

  1. "Johnny Be Good" -The faster the better.
  2. "Proud Mary" - "Y'all know any CCR? My wife loves that Proud Murray!"
  3. "Wild One" by Buddy Holly. Flail away, folks!
  4. "Rocky Top" - Not much flailing, but a lot of mountain dancin' (See "The Dancing Outlaw - Jesco White").
  5. "Love-A-Rama" by Southern Culture On The Skids. I know, you haven't heard this, but it causes severe, immediate, falling apart dancing.
  6. And, finally, all hail the king, "Wipe Out." Six or sixty, tall or short, skinny or fat, everyone falls apart when the drummer puts on his rock 'n roll shoes!

So, Dan, who are some pop songwriters who probably couldn't get arrested in the current popular music scene?

  1. Laura Nyro. Way too literate, way too many chords.
  2. Harlan Howard. Too much melody.
  3. Jimmy Webb. What do you mean, a story line??
  4. Burt Bacharach. Verses and choruses. Huh....
  5. Lieber and Stoller. No obscenities, can't rap to it.
  6. Carole King. Chords with more than 2 notes. Weird.
  7. Jimmy LaFave - I know, you haven't heard of him, but he's great! Check him out on the web, he has an official home page.
This is only the short list....Frank Dean can tell you the rest of 'em. Remember, kids, a riff is not a song.

So, Dan, how about some more bad cover versions of good songs?
Okay, if you insist....

  1. "To Love Somebody" by Michael Bolton. Please, Michael, don't hurt 'em.
  2. "Piece Of My Heart" by Faith Hill. Faith is fine, but she must have gotten some bad advice.
  3. "Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguillera. Sorry, Chris, Patti Labelle you ain't.
  4. "Cat's In The Cradle" by Johnny Cash. Even the Man in Black blows it now and then.
  5. "Cat's In The Cradle" by Ricky Skaggs. Ditto for Ricky.
  6. "Soul Man" by the Blues Brothers. Yeah, the movie was fun, but this is just awful.
  7. Anything else by the Blues Brothers, for that matter.
  8. "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Michael Bolton. I know, I keep picking on him, but this is enough to ruin my memory of my first slow dance.
  9. "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Jerry Lee Lewis. Don't drink when the tape's rolling.

So, Dan, what are some truly awful covers of great songs?

  1. "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" by Joan Baez. Joan, learn the words...
  2. "I'm Movin' On" by Emmylou Harris. See above...
  3. "Jingle Bells" by Rocking Dopsie (remember "Don't Mess With My Toot-Toot?") I don't think Dopsie had any idea what this song was about.
  4. "Gimme Some Lovin'" by Freddie King. Sounds like he's reading the words.
  5. "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Michael Bolton. Enough said.
  6. "Respect" by Reba. Can we say full of ourselves?
  7. "Respect Yourself" by B.B. King. Sorry, Mr. King.
  8. "Respect Yourself" by Bruce Willis. I'm not sorry!
  9. "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam. Like nails on a chalkboard.
  10. "Wichita Lineman" by REM. Why?
Sadly, I imagine there'll be more next week....

So, Dan, why the recent surge in interest in roots music?

  1. Realization that after nuclear holocaust, electric instruments may be difficult to use, due to all power plants being destroyed.
  2. Many young urban professional-types getting back to the music they grew up on, back in suburban Urbana, IL.
  3. Many stock brokers now have every reason to sing the blues.
  4. Due to increasing fuel costs, many commuters are being forced to ride the rails and live the hobo life, (at least as long as Congress bails out Amtrak).
  5. All American men want to BE George Clooney, who has 15 million hot girls wanting to be with him (in the Biblical sense). "I'm not a bluegrass singer, though I do play one on T.V.".
  6. Finally, all the people who used to listen to Boy George and Wham! have decided that Ralph Stanley is who they should listen to. (I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but that's not something about which I think it's all that important to be concerned.)

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for keeping cool this summer?

  1. Wear cool sunglasses at all times. (As in, "I left my costly shades up at Mommy's" from the fabulous documentary, "Jesco White, The Dancing Outlaw.")
  2. Wear white t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off your cool physique.
  3. Sing like a god, be 53 years old and look better than when you were 20, wear cheesy rockstar apparel and a cute little goatee, smile a lot, speak with a British accent--and oh, just go ahead and be Paul Rodgers, whydoncha? (Anita S.)
  4. Drink expensive imported beer, especially if some adoring fan is buying.
  5. Buy a personal wind generator, such as the spectacular "Power Cat," which I personally use and recommend. If you have hair, this device will make it look like you are in a Bon Jovi video. If you're bald, like me, you will still not look like you are in a Bon Jovi video, but at least you will be cool.
  6. Buy yourself an old Cadillac to drive. Even if the air conditioner doesn't work, you'll still be cool.
  7. Get out and work up a sweat. It's good for you, you'll be fit and trim, chicks will dig you, or guys will dig you, whatever. How cool is that?!? VERY cool!
  8. Turn on the hose, point it straight up in the air, and let it rain on you! It was fun when you were a kid, it's still fun, trust me on this. Besides, your neighbors will think you've slid off the track, and that's pretty cool...keep 'em guessin'!

So, Dan, what are some activities for musicians on the Fourth of July?

  1. Get a portable amp and play with the local H.S. marching band in the July 4 Parade.
  2. Drink Red, White, & Blue beer until you decide that it would be a good idea to join the service and go kick some Saudi butt, even though you're 43 years old and currently have a $147,548 mortgage and a 49-inch waist.
  3. Attend the family picnic. Bring your guitar, and proceed to play your original tribute to Charlie Daniels for the entire afternoon. It'll be great!
  4. If in Anderson, play on a float in the Midnight Parade. Bring your electric guitar and amp, even though the generator will quit almost as soon as the parade starts. Been there, done that....
  5. If possible, learn the Hendrix version of "The Star Spangled Banner" and play it for 24 hours in a row. Continue to do so in the paddy wagon after the police come to get you.
  6. Buy a Jimmy LaFave CD ("Trail" is a good start.) Nothing to do with 4th of July, but boy, can this guy sing!!! (See Jimmy LaFave Official Website)
  7. Try to convince the Buzztones that this year's reunion show won't be the last! (http://griole.tripod.com)

So, Dan, who are some current performers whose work is destined to be remembered as classic stuff 50 years from now?

  1. Jennifer Lopez, aka "J-Lo," whose vast talents are often overlooked in the media frenzy to discuss her vast buttocks.
  2. Cher, whose career has spanned eight decades, back to the days of vaudeville, when she helped launch the careers of Sammy Davis, Jr., Mae West, and Milton Berle. Her skin is tighter than the security around a Buzztones concert. (Check out the Buzztones on the web at http://griole.tripod.com).
  3. Mudvayne, whose compositional genius is matched only by their instrumental virtuosity.
  4. Sean "Puffy" Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P-Diddy, whose main achievement has been to get beautiful models and singers to take off their clothes.
  5. George Clooney, whose masterful lip-synching and beard-wearing in "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" has caused a revolution in music, with great performers such as Neal McCoy, Kid Rock, and Eminem going back to their roots and recording genuine, heartfelt, traditional music. Or maybe not....
  6. Britney Spears, whose resemblance to that Aguilera girl is astonishing. Come to think of it, there are about 25,346 people who ALL look exactly like that! All Hail Dolly the Sheep!
  7. Fred Durst, whose fabulous band Limp Bizkit has performed such classics as "Break Stuff." I can't wait to hear THAT when I'm in some nursing home, being played by a bunch of 60-year-old musicians doing a green-sheet job for the American Federation of Musicians, Local 3, of which yours truly is a proud, dues-paying member.

So, Dan, this year Cher is doing her "final" tour...any thoughts?

  1. Why is she quitting now, when pitch correction is finally possible in a live setting?
  2. Damn, I was hoping she and Diana Ross would tour together, so I could REALLY not care.
  3. I'd like to know who buys her albums, and actually sits around listening to them. No, I guess I wouldn't like to know....
  4. Is fabulous designer Bob Mackie going to retire, too?
  5. Why do I even know who Bob Mackie is?
  6. This may be the worst question and answer section I've ever done.
  7. Then again, at least this Q & A section hasn't mentioned Insane Clown Posse.

So, Dan, why did you move your store?

  1. Needed a new challenge...easily bored.
  2. Downtown Anderson was too fast-paced for me.
  3. We can open the back door and actually have fresh air. Weird.
  4. Closer to home, so I can sleep later. That's good, because it's hard to get up early when you stay up till 8:30 or 9:00 p.m..
  5. Trying to escape a stalker.
  6. Actually, our building got sold. For $149.95. Really.
  7. Bottom line, cut to the chase, long story short, at the end of the day, it came down to this: More places to walk the dog!

So, Dan, why are you moving your store?

  1. Don't want the wrecking ball to hit me in the head.
  2. The dog liked our old location better anyway.
  3. The man is holding me down, man!
  4. Closer to home so I can go home and take a nap.
  5. Called a psychic hot line, and Miss Marie said to move the store. Of course, she also said I'd meet a tall, dark stranger and fall in love. Uh, no....
    Hey, give it time, Dan! Remember, before you meet your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs! --Anita
  6. Too young to retire, too lazy to get a real job!

So, Dan, if one is very, very bad, and winds up in Hell, what songs could one expect to find on the jukebox?

  1. If You Love Me, Let Me Know
  2. Don't Give Up On Us, Baby
  3. Undercover Angel
  4. Pina Colada Song
  5. Danke Schoen (Probably misspelled, but I didn't care that much).
  6. (I Beg Your Pardon) I Never Promised You A Rose Garden
  7. Games People Play (How did Joe South get two songs on this list? I thought he actually had talent....)
  8. Diary (Or about any other David Gates song).
  9. Cherish
  10. One Tin Soldier
  11. Oh, My, My (by Ringo. Sorry.)

So, Dan, how about some more horrifying medleys?
Your wish is my command, young friend....

  1. "Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves," "Gypsy Woman," and "Tramp." ("What'd you call me?!?!")
  2. "Which Way You Goin', Billy?" and "Witchy Woman."
  3. "Always and Forever," "Never My Love," and "Never on Sunday." Oh, yeah, and "Never Say Never Again."
  4. "My Baby Loves Loving," "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky," & "My Love Does It Good."
  5. "You're Having My Baby," "You're No Good," & "You're The Reason God Made Oklahoma."
  6. "Society's Child" (Really horrid thing by Janis Ian), and "Sweet Child o' Mine" (Really horrid thing by Guns and Roses).
  7. "Wedding Bell Blues (Marry Me, Bill)," "Billy, Don't Be A Hero," & "The Bells Of Rhymney." ("What will you give me?" say the sad Bills of Rhymney.)
  8. "Let It Be," "Let It Be Me," "Let Me Be There," "Let Your Love Flow," & "Let The Sunshine In."

So, Dan, how about a "Battle of the Blands"?
Okay, let's see how bland we can get....

  1. Olivia Newton-John vs. Wayne Newton
    Winner: Wayne Newton. I'll explain later.
  2. Donny Osmond vs. Marie Osmond
    Winner: Donny (Marie's kind of hot, in a way.)
  3. Barbara Mandrell vs. Barbra Streisand
    Winner: Streisand -- Ruined "Stoney End"...yecchh!
  4. John Davidson vs. Jack Jones
    Winner: Davidson -- Criminally boring.
  5. The Partidge Family vs. The Archies
    No winner: They aren't real, kids.
  6. Petula Clark vs. Celine Dion
    Winner: Celine -- For thinking that she's NOT bland....
Ed. Note: Since I'm paying for the space, I'll decide the winner...and the winner is Wayne Newton! Saw him on a telethon once singing "Everyday I Have The Blues," wearing a white tux & playing a white guitar. How bland is that?!?!

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for medleys (something suitable for the local holiday hotel lounge)?

  1. "Don't Sleep In The Subway, Darling?", "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me," & "Don't It Make You Wanna Go Home?
  2. "Everybody's Talkin' At Me" & "Everybody Loves A Clown."
  3. "Mandy" and "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)."
    (Do you take requests? How about "Candyman" and "Yankee Doodle Dandy"?--Anita)
  4. "The Streets Of Baltimore," "Streets Of Bakersfield," & "(Down On) Main Street."
  5. "The Wreck Of The Edmond Fitzgerald," "The Wreck Of The Old 97," & "Reckless" (by Wilson Phillips, in case you'd forgotten).
  6. "Do You Know Where You're Going To?," "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?," & "Do You Know What I Mean?" (by Lee Michaels).
    (Bonus Points: Name the fabulous drummer on that Lee Michaels record, and get a free pair of drumsticks at Dan's Music.)
  7. "Sweet Home Chicago," "The Night Chicago Died," "Sweet Home Alabama," & "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia."

So, Dan, what are some records that could have "benefited" from the famous Phil Spector "Wall of Sound," as made famous on the bludgeoned-to-death "Let It Be" soundtrack?

  1. "Mannish Boy," by Muddy Waters
  2. "Midnight At The Oasis," by Maria Muldaur
  3. "Highway 40 Blues," by Ricky Skaggs
  4. "All Along The Watchtower," either the Dylan or the Hendrix version
  5. "Help Me," by Joni Mitchell
  6. "Hellhound On My Trail," by Robert Johnson

So, Dan, what are some potential summer jobs in the lucrative field of the "music business"?

  1. Vocal coach on tour with Bob Dylan
    (I think that's one of those jobs they have to get prison labor for. --Anita)
  2. Dressing room assistant on tour with Britney Spears
  3. Pitch correction technician on tour with Cher
  4. Keyboard tech for Terry Adams (NRBQ)
  5. Make-up artist for Insane Clown Posse
  6. Translator for any major rap artist
  7. Dressing room assistant for Sheryl Crow
  8. For Miss Anita Speider, dressing room assistant for Paul Rodgers
    (Or maybe...you know, I've always wondered exactly what a "key grip" does....
    --Anita)

So, Dan, any advice on investing in vintage guitars?

  1. Think global, act local.
  2. Huh?
  3. Buy low, sell high...no, not that kind of high.
  4. Go to every guitar show, expecting to buy old Martins for pennies on the dollar.
  5. Ask your local store owner, "This all ya got? How about in the back room?"
  6. Remember, what affects Pacific-rim countries will impact the vintage market in many aspects, according to existing tendencies.
  7. Pay close attention to Federal Reserve policy as it relates to market trends.
  8. Buy all the old guitars you can find, at any price.

Please, mister, please...how about one more round of bad songs?
Okay, but then it's bedtime....

  1. "Don't Sleep In The Subway" by Petula Clark. Good advice if you don't want to smell like a 6-inch Veggie Delite sandwich.
  2. "That's The Way (Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh)" by KC & the Sunshine Band. Ugly.
  3. "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro. Like a root canal without anesthetic.
  4. "Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes. I think this was probably a joke that went wrong. I hope it was, anyway.
  5. "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. Even the dog this was written about most likely hated this one.
  6. "All Out Of Love" by Air Supply. These guys were guilty of many other offenses, but it's too painful to think about any more.
  7. "Theme From 'Mahogany' (Do You Know Where You're Going To?)" by Diana Ross. Ending a sentence with a preposition...what'd they do that for?
  8. "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. Reads the same in either direction... "Neeuq Gnicnad"...amazing, huh? (That's Swedish for dreck).
  9. "Funkytown" by I-don't-know-who. I'd forgotten about this pile of $#!% until my "friend" Jerry-San reminded me. Thanks, Jerry.
  10. "Hey, Baby, I'm Your Telephone Man" by someone whose name is of no consequence. I'd rather listen to...
  11. ..."Convoy" by C.W McCall.
Anita's Dishonorable Mention goes to...
...anything by the whiny-voiced Bee Gees, REO Speedwagon, Journey, or practically any other band that was popular while Anita was in high school or college. Lest we forget.
...anything by the Spice Girls, New Kids on the Block, Menudo, or any other manufactured, market-tested, teeny-bopper act.
...anything by Cat Stevens. Even if you hadn't lost me with all the Me-Decade mysticism, I wouldn't never be down with that beard-wearin', book-bannin', fundamentalist fanaticism you got goin' on now, bay-bee.
...almost anything by Paul Rodgers. Sorry, my darling. It doesn't keep me from hanging on your every ridiculous word.

So, Dan, how about some more bad songs?
Okay, if you insist....

  1. "Hot Smoke and Sassafras" by Bubble Puppy. Wow...
  2. "Julie, Julie, Julie" by Bobby Sherman. Sorry, Julie.
  3. Anything from "Hair." Or, any other Broadway "Rock Musical."
  4. "Nobody" by that Kokomo chick...Sylvia, I think. Icky...
  5. "Love Can Make You Happy." No idea who was responsible, but many were scarred for life.
  6. "The Year 2525." So deep.
  7. "Love to Lay You Down" by Conway Twitty. Yes, he was one of the greatest singers ever, but this song is like listening through a motel wall.
  8. "Everybody Loves A Clown" by Gary Lewis & the Playboys. Absolutely non-musical singing.
  9. "I've Got A Brand New Pair of Roller Skates" by Melanie. Abysmal...
  10. And, finally, "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart...horrifying lyrics paired with a disco beat. How could this happen?

So, Dan, what are some of the worst records in history?
(The following list reflects the opinions of the editorial staff at Dan's Music, and in no way is meant to denigrate the fine artists involved.)

  1. "Cherish" by the Association (A put-together band from the '60s).
  2. "I'm Not Lisa" by Jessi Colter. Yuck.
  3. "Dirty White Boy" by Foreigner (who could have been named for any number of other atrocities).
  4. "Dominique" by the Singing Nun. Probably caused more defections from Catholicism than any event in history.
  5. (Tie) "Run, Joey, Run", "Indiana Wants Me", and "The Night Chicago Died." No explanation needed.
    But Dan, surely some additions are needed! -- Anita
    • "Shannon" Wasn't this one about a dead Irish setter...?
    • "Seasons In The Sun" Not sure what this one was about.
    • "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" ("Billy, don't be a hero -- don't be a fool with your li-i-ife! Billy, don't be a hero -- come back and make me your wi-i-ife!")
    • "I Write The Songs" Barry Manilow. 'Nuff said.
    • "Brandy (You're A Fine Girl)" ("Brandy, you're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life -- my lover, my lady -- is the sea.")
    • "The Worst That Could Happen"
    • "Take A Letter, Maria" ("You've always been a good secretary to me -- would you like to have dinner tonight?")
  6. Anything by Maureen McGovern. See #5.
  7. "Feelings" by Morris Albert. Beautifully sent-up by John Hiatt in his song "Feelin' Again," on his CD, "Little Head."
  8. "You Light Up My Life" by Debbie Boone. So very lame....
  9. "Strokin'" by Clarence Carter. Yeah, I know he also did the fabulous "Slip Away," but there's no excuse for this crap.
  10. "Dreams" by Molly Hatchett. A textbook example of how to take a beautiful song and pummel it into submission.

So, Dan, how about some ideas for celebrating St. Patrick's Day?

  1. Go to Muncie and watch the mayor turn White River green. (Don't know if they still do that -- they used to).
  2. Go to your local Knights of Columbus and drink green beer with Father Jim.
  3. Eat some Irish stew. Wash it down with a Killian's Irish Red.
  4. Listen to Rory Gallagher. Toast him with a shot of Jamison's.
  5. Rent "The Quiet Man" and watch it over and over.
  6. Think about the fine Irish band, U2. Try to figure out why anyone would call himself "The Edge" or "Bono Vox." ?!?!?!?
  7. Learn all the words to "Psycho Street" by Richard Thompson. If you actually do hear voices in your head, get help...somewhere.
  8. Buy all of Paul Rodgers's CDs. Don't know if he's Irish, but he sure can sing!

So, Dan, how about some useless music trivia questions?

Okay,here goes... (Answers at the bottom.)

  1. What famous singer songwriter played drums on "Locomotion" by Little Eva?
  2. T or F: The guitarist who replaced Randy Bachman in the Guess Who was named Tristan Taormino.
  3. T or F: The lead guitarist for Loverboy was named Frank Dean.
  4. T or F: At least one of the Electric Amish is actually a Buddhist.
  5. What is Sam the Sham's real name?
  6. T or F: The Buzztones are responsible for the current recession.
Wow, these music trivia questions really HAVE been useless....Answers:
  1. Carole King
  2. False. It was Dominic Troiano.
  3. False. It was actually Paul Dean, a disappointed Frank Dean wannabe.
  4. False. At least one of the Electric Amish is a Histophysiologist.
  5. Sam the Sham's real name is Sam the Spam. Or Domingo Samudio, I forget which....
  6. True. Go to their website, you'll see!

So, Dan, what are some things a musician should look for when buying a car?

  1. Should be big enough to sleep in if necessary.
  2. Should have some mojo going for it (think Blues Brothers).
  3. Should be kind of bland, in the event one has to say, "Are you sure? There are a lot of cars that fit that description...."
  4. Should be fast, in the event that the question, "Are you sure...." (see 3., above), results in a, um, misunderstanding, and one needs to make a hasty retreat.
  5. Should have a radio, an 8-track, and air conditioning. Duh.
  6. Overall should be the kind of car you'd see in a Burt Reynolds movie, on "Dukes of Hazard," or in a Stone Temple Pilots video.
  7. No more than $500.

So, Dan, any thoughts on the Winter Olympics?

  1. Dude...snowboarding rules! Has anyone seen my box of Twinkies?
  2. Is Jeff Gillooley one of the ice skating judges?
  3. Come to think of it, I really miss Tonya Harding.
  4. Curling can be done while doing 40 ounce curls.
  5. An optimist sees the pipe as half full, while a pessimist sees the pipe as half empty. Dude, that's heavy, man.
  6. I was ripped off not going to the county golf sectional in 1969, when my opponent "found" his ball, after it had gone deep into the woods, miracle of miracles, in the middle of the fairway. I want my trophy. Now!

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for celebrating President's Day?

  1. Re-name a street in honor of a former President: i.e., Millard Fillmore Blvd., instead of Main Street.
  2. Gather up all your coins and bills bearing the likenesses of former Presidents, and carefully place them in the dumpster at 1331 Main Street, I mean Millard Fillmore Blvd., Anderson, IN.
  3. Move to a log cabin, and pretend that you are James Polk as a child.
  4. If you don't know anything about Polk, pretend that you are Millard Fillmore as a child.
  5. Rent a Lincoln, drive to Washington, IN, and go to the corner of Grant and Jackson Streets, where you'll find the Millard Fillmore National Historic Site. Seriously.
  6. Go to Anderson, IN, cross the Eisenhower Bridge over White River, go south on Millard Fillmore Blvd. to 14th St., where you'll find Dan's Music on the corner of 14th and Millard Fillmore. Really.

So, Dan, what are some suggested Valentine's Day activities for musicians?

  1. Surprise your sweetheart with a back brace for when she carries your gear.
  2. Sing "Feelings" (by Morris Albert) really loud in your local music store.
  3. Form a Heart tribute band. Suggested names, of course, would be Barracuda, or, for a duo, Dog and Butterfly. Okay, bad idea.
  4. For your Valentine's Day gig, put a rider in the contract stating that you expect a bowl of those awful candy hearts, with all the "Be Mine" hearts taken out.
  5. Paint your Marshall stack pink. Oh, come on, be secure in your masculinity.
  6. Hire the fabulous "Buzztones" to serenade your honey from outside the bedroom window. She'll turn into Nina Hartley immediately. (For the less well-informed, the aforementioned N.H. is a porn actress. So I'm told.)
  7. Rent "Boogie Nights." Skip ahead to the out-takes. Fast-forward the tape, and return it to the video place.

So, Dan, what if the groundhog sees his shadow on Feb. 2 (Groundhog Day)?

  1. He'll go back into his cave and listen to 6 more CD's by Johnny Winter.
  2. We'll all have to watch 6 movies featuring that fine actress, Shelley Winters.
  3. We'll all be forced to buy "The Best of Jonathan Winters."
  4. We'll all have to live the day over and over till we get it right, just like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day."
  5. We'll all go over to Frank Dean's house and he'll lead us in a rousing rendition of "Shelly's Winter Love," the old Haggard classic.
  6. Ted Nugent will be cooking groundhog stew for all of us!

So, Dan, how about some good candidates for the Colts' head coaching job?

  1. Ted Nugent -- I bet we'd have some defense with ol' Ted.
  2. Andrew Lloyd Webber -- Maybe he wouldn't have time to compose any more bad musicals.
  3. That Eminem guy -- He probably could use the work by now.
  4. Billy Joel -- He closes his shows with that speech about, "Don't take any !#%& from anybody!" That might work on the Colts....
  5. Boy George -- Everyone would be inspired to take the field, rather than be on the sidelines with that guy.

So, Dan, what do you make of this magician, David Blaine?

  1. AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!
  2. Waiting for him to start spewing pea soup.
  3. I wasn't scared till I saw that Emmitt Smith was scared.
  4. If he's so great, let's hear him play the solo from "Midnight at the Oasis." THAT is some magic stuff!
  5. Maybe he can make Insane Clown Posse disappear.
  6. Or, for that matter, levitate the Back Street Boys outa here.
  7. Or, for that matter, produce a hit record for NRBQ. That's the trick no one has ever been able to perform!

So, Dan, how about some universal truths for musicians, especially pertaining to playing gigs during winter?

  1. All gigs will require driving north on I-65, which will be a sheet of ice all winter.
  2. The heater in the band van will quit working.
  3. Your new booking agent will have lots of good gigs, all of which will be located in places that were used in the movie "Fargo."
  4. The girl singer and the bass player will end up in the back of the van in a sleeping bag on the way home.
  5. The "band house", provided by the club owner, will have roaches, as well as a broken water heater.
  6. The radiator in the band van will fail just outside Bum&#!&, MI.
  7. The "newly remodeled ski resort" your agent booked you into will actually be exactly like the bar in "Roadhouse," except Patrick Swayze hasn't arrived yet to get rid of the idiots.

So, Dan, how about some tips for musicians on the road?
(Don't ever give tips to musicians; it only encourages them. --Anita)

  1. Never room with the bass player who's trying to learn the violin.
  2. Don't go down to the bar before 9 a.m.
  3. Always use an alias. For instance, "Hey, good-lookin', I'm Don Vegas...."
  4. Always say you're from some city other than your real home. For instance, "Ah'm from Pittsburgh, y'all."
  5. Never room with the drummer who lives on beer and White Castles.
  6. The bar tab will always be higher than you were expecting it to be.
  7. Remember the immortal words of Sam the Sham -- "Came to play, not to stay."