So, Dan...

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So, Dan, what have been the most important events of 2003?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about a guitar hustler's Christmas poem while we drink our eggnog?
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So, Dan, howzabout another one of them guitar hustler Christmas songs, huh?
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So, Dan, we really, really, really want to hear another guitar hustler's Christmas carol!
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So, Dan, how about one of those fabulous Christmas carols for guitar hustlers?
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So, Dan, what are some things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about those fabulous CMA Awards?
D'answer

So, Dan, several magazines have recently printed "Greatest Guitarists Of All Eternity" lists. What about a list of "The Greatest Guitarists Of All Eternity That Nobody's Ever Heard Of Almost, And Played Telecasters?"
D'answer

So, Dan, any celebrities about whom we are getting entirely too much information?
D'answer

So, Dan, we bet you could write a book. So, could you?
D'answer

So, Jim, why would anyone shop at Dan's Music?
D'answer

So, Dan, how much is this guitar worth?
D'answer

So, Dan, what can be determined from recent guitar shows?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for celebrity boxing matches? We haven't had any of those for awhile.
D'answer

So, Dan, what about the current trend toward lower priced guitars coming from China?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some advice on sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things to look for when buying a used guitar? (We forgot).
D'answer

So, Dan, what about the recent controversy over copyrights, the internet, downloading music, and Lars Ulrich?
D'answer

So, Dan, why is gasoline so expensive lately?
D'answer

So, Dan, why is Billy Joel the greatest living American songwriter?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some music people who should consider running for governor of California?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some more things, people, events, or whatever you got, that really don't matter?
D'answer

So, Dan, why is there air?
D'answer

So, Dan, any unusual phone calls lately?
D'answer

So, Dan, Whut Do U Have 2 Say Bout Da St8 Uv Pop Music?
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So, Dan, how about some reasons to attend the Lapel Village Fair this weekend?
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So, Dan, howzabout some fun things to do this 4th of July?
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So, Dan, why do you persist in wasting half your ad space with dumb questions (and even dumber answers)?
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So, Dan, what are some more things not to get worked up about?
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So, Dan, what are some things not to get too worked up about?
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So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer employment opportunities in music-related fields?
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So, Dan, what are some songs that feature particularly annoying or ridiculous lyrics?
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So, Dan, what are we to make of the controversy over Annika Sorenstam playing in a PGA tournament?
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So, Dan, how about some more songs that would be especially bad in Muzak versions?
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So, Dan, what are some songs that would be especially horrifying in Muzak versions?
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So, Dan, what are some things that make no difference whatsoever?
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So, Dan, how about some tips for young people looking for a job?
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So, Dan, how about some suggestions for "Administrative Professionals Day," which is April 23rd?
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So, Dan, any other observations as your store begins its 10th year?
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So, Dan, any observations as your store nears its ninth anniversary?
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So, Dan, how about some tips for aspiring bands wanting to play lots of gigs?
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So, Dan, how about some spring cleaning tips for musicians?
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So, Dan, howzabout some ways to celebrate St. Patrick's Day?
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So, Dan, what are some celebrity boxing matches that would be fun?
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So, Dan, how about the fabulous Grammy awards?
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So, Dan, who are some performers whose work hasn't been exactly integral to the success of the act they perform with?
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So, Dan, how about some Valentine's Day suggestions for musicians?
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So, Dan, what are some tips for musicians when it's North Pole cold?
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So, Dan, what are some ways for musicians to celebrate Groundhog Day?
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So, Dan, what are some important things to do when looking for a guitar?
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So, Dan, how about those fabulous American Music Awards?
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So, Dan, what are the advantages of playing music for a living?
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So, Dan, how about some good New Year's resolutions for musicians?
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So, Dan, what have been the most important events of 2003?

  1. The creation of Trogdor, the Burninator, by the Chapman Brothers (www.homestarrunner.com).
  2. The Cubs almost make the World Series. Okay, maybe not.
  3. Jeff Beck makes fun of Eric Clapton for singing "Over The Rainbow."
  4. Ted Nugent makes fun of almost everybody.
  5. The Dixie Chicks and Toby Keith have a little disagreement over foreign policy.
  6. Madonna french kisses Britney Spears.
  7. Michael Jackson's nose finally falls off.
  8. And, finally, the number one, most important thing to happen this year--Cher's Farewell Tour!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So, Dan, how about a guitar hustler's Christmas poem while we drink our eggnog?

Okay, but then it's time to hit the hay....

Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas 2003

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the shop,
Not a guitar was playing,
And the front door was locked.
My wife at her desk
Was just finishing up,
And I was still drinking
Some grounds from my cup,
When out on the parking lot
The trouble began,
I unlocked the front door,
And outside I ran!
Two hustlers were fighting,
Over Gibsons and Martins,
They were scratchin' and clawin'
And belchin' and fartin'!
"I'm goin' in first," the
One hustler cried, and he
Went for the door, but I
Pushed him aside, I said,
"Sorry, we're closed, so
You'll have to leave.
Now we're going home,
'Cause it's Christmas Eve."
And I heard him exclaim,
As he got in his van,
"Aw, hell, I just wanted to see if you had
any old stuff in the back...."

Merry Christmas!

So, Dan, howzabout another one of them guitar hustler Christmas songs, huh?

I'd like nothing better, my friends!

"Hustling Guitars"
(to the tune of "O Holy Night")

Hustling guitars, and selling them on Ebay!
This is the right way to make many bucks....
Filling our cars, with things we cannot give away,
But we're online, and now we're all in luck!
We'll sell this crap to unsuspecting shoppers,
And then move on to hustling someone else,
Fake vintage Fenders! Amps that don't work!
Oh, well, you lose! Oh, well, caveat emptor!
Oh, well, you choo-oose, to buy from unknown sellers!
Oh, well, tough luck, you're stuck! We're doing fine....

So, Dan, we really, really, really want to hear another guitar hustler's Christmas carol!

And I really, really, really want to do one!

"This Guitar Looks A Lot Like A Martin"
(To the tune of "Santa Looks A Lot Like Daddy")

This guitar looks a lot like a Martin,
The nicest one I ever seen!
I know it don't say nothin' on it,
But I betcha it's a D-18,
I'm sayin', to the best of my knowledge,
It's all original and clean,
This guitar looks a lot like a Martin,
The nicest one I ever seen!

So, Dan, how about one of those fabulous Christmas carols for guitar hustlers?

Okay, lil pards, here we go....

"Here We Come A-Hustling"
(To the tune of "Here We Come A-Wassailing.")

Here we come a-hustling, in search of old guitars,
Looking for old Fenders that got beat to death in bars,
When we're done, paint is new,
But it will be relic-ed, too,
In a rare custom color, Daphne Blue-ooo,
And the next owner surely will be screwed!

"There I Went A-Stalking"
(To the tune of "Here We Come A-Hustling")

There I went a-stalking, a-stalking Paul Rod-gers--
Glimpsed his little belly when he raised his shirt.
I saw him at the Emerald Queen--
It's the second time I've been.
I hope next time I see him, he'll be out of his sling,
But whole or broken, man, can he sing!
--Anita Speider

So, Dan, what are some things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

  1. Not having "A*l T*e K***'s H****s," by the F**m, stuck in your head.
  2. Sorry to censor you, Dan, but I can't be responsible for reminding the whole world, via the Internet, of this particular s**g. Even I have SOME standards. --Anita Speider
  3. Not living next door to Eminem.
  4. Not being John Kerry's campaign manager.
  5. Not being PR guy for the Dixie Chicks.
  6. Being able to turn on your radio without hearing anything by Insane Clown Posse.
  7. Being able to turn off the radio when Celine Dion comes on.
  8. Not having "Radioactive," by the Firm, stuck in your head. Oops....sorry.
  9. Anita S. is just thankful that on the 8th she got to see the very "not unattractive" belly of the radioactive and furry Paul Rodgers under a delightfully ordinary shirt.
  10. Hey, there's lots of stuff to really be thankful for, but right now, I've got to think of some other song!
  11. Maybe Dan just doesn't like to think about my furry friend's belly, for some reason. --A.S.

So, Dan, how about those fabulous CMA Awards?

  1. Johnny Cash, who hasn't had any airplay since 1968, wins all the awards....Weird.
  2. Cash's big song is Hurt, a Nine Inch Nails song. Huh?
  3. At least Neal McCoy wasn't up for anything. Neither was Ken Mellons. Who?!?
  4. Kid Rock may as well sing country, I don't think rock stations play him any more.
  5. Toby Keith should have played the song about smoking weed with Willie.
  6. Brad Paisley is a real guitar player.
  7. Jimmy Buffet doesn't have to be a real guitar player. He's got more money than the Queen of England anyway.
  8. I guess Sheryl Crow grabbed Shania Twain's butt before the show....At least they didn't French kiss!

So, Dan, several magazines have recently printed "Greatest Guitarists Of All Eternity" lists. What about a list of "The Greatest Guitarists Of All Eternity That Nobody's Ever Heard Of Almost, And Played Telecasters?"

  1. Danny Gatton. If I'd heard him when I was playing for a living, I would have had to quit.
  2. Big Al Anderson. Formerly of NRBQ.
  3. Albert Lee. No, not the 10 Years After guy.
  4. Jesse Ed Davis. "Doctor My Eyes" solo.
  5. Amos Garrett. "Midnight At The Oasis" solo.
  6. Roy Buchanan. Find the documentary, "Introducing Roy Buchanan, The World's Greatest Unknown Guitarist."
  7. Yeah, I know I've done this kind of list before, but I don't want people to think the Strokes really play guitar....

So, Dan, any celebrities about whom we are getting entirely too much information?

  1. Rosie O'Donnell - And we don't care about her self-named magazine, either.
  2. Elizabeth Smart - This includes her parents.
  3. Princess Diana - This includes her butler, her kids, her ex-husband, and his live-in girlfriend.
  4. Ivanka Trump. 'Nuff said.
  5. Bennifer. Whatever. Don't people ever get tired of these characters?
  6. Robert Blake. By the way, Bob, it was the one-armed guy....
  7. Anyone connected with Joe Millionaire. Don't want to know about the guy, or any of the women, either. Absolutely ponderous.
  8. Let's make this simple. We are getting too much information about all celebrities with the exception of the furry, friendly Paul Rodgers. If he counts as a celebrity.--Anita S.

So, Dan, we bet you could write a book. So, could you?

  1. Could I what?
  2. Oh, that...about, perhaps you could suggest a subject....
  3. I could write a book about playing in unsuccessful bar bands. The book would include sex, guns, fights, booze, drugs, and all kinds of depravity. No one wants to read about that kind of stuff!
  4. I could write a comic book. It would be about a superhero named Llama Wing. He could fly through the air, and would stop villains by spitting acid-reflux type projectiles at them. Check out all his majesties!!
  5. By the way, Llama Wing's arch-nemesis would be called Roy the Recidifier. His power would be mis-pronouncing so many common words that all in his path flee at top speed.
  6. I could also write a book about the many ways to prepare Ramen noodles. Yes, by golly, I could!

So, Jim, why would anyone shop at Dan's Music?

  1. The folks at Dan's listen to your mind numbing boring stories and act alert.
  2. I have only heard the word Dude used as past tense do, i.e. doed, like "I doed it yesterday."
  3. If Dan ain't got it, he can get it, if he can't get it, you don't need it.
  4. The store is cozy, real cozy, really cozy, well enough of that.
  5. No overt smirking when you declare you want a 1976 Super Axe in orange sunburst with the titanium bridge, gold leaf inlay fingerboard, the special 13 way switch, C-Less Bunkin soap hot rail double reverse wound tapped humdingers and a tweed case.
  6. Scantily clad mannequin. Nuff said.
  7. No public restroom--guaranteeing a buying decision since you chugged two mega Dews on the way in.
  8. Where else can you see one person string a guitar, answer the phone, and carry on a conversation with you, and greet the next person that comes in, all at the same time.
  9. Trust, for you younger folks, that is similar to respect, definitions in the dictionary.
  10. Then there is that really cool car.

So, Dan, how much is this guitar worth?

  1. Less than they ask for it on Ebay.
  2. More if you get rid of that silly sticker.
  3. Less if you use a pocket knife to get the silly sticker off.
  4. Not as much as it was before you "restored" it.
  5. At least five dollars.
  6. How much is my pickup truck worth?
  7. "Sentimental Value" is not a factor.
  8. Neither are those "Celebrity Signatures." (Of course, it would be better if the signatures were by someone other than the touring backup band for Hamilton, Joe Frank, and Reynolds).
  9. No value whatsoever...I'll give you fifty bucks for it.

So, Dan, what can be determined from recent guitar shows?

  1. The price of a plastic tone knob for a '60's Silvertone is $14.50. (Because it's the last one he had.)
  2. The price of a '60s Epiphone Casino in decent shape is $7000.00.
  3. Everybody (yes, everybody) has a Fender Vintage Reissue, Limited Edition, Special Production, Relic Tele or Strat. With a tweed case, of course.
  4. Damn, I guess we all should have invested in Limited Edition Franklin Mint Elvis Plates. Or something.
  5. There are now 14,683 companies currently producing guitars.
  6. There are now 73,296 people attempting to sell their guitar collections. (Most of them are trying to pay off high-interest loans taken out to buy Highly Collectible Franklin Mint Barbie Outfits.)
  7. Oh, wait, I haven't been to any guitar shows recently. Oh, well, hearsay is good enough for CNN, Fox, the L.A. Times, and other media outlets....
  8. Look, friends, these are the jokes! I'm just a po' guitar picker, trying to keep my Chia Pet fed and watered!

So, Dan, how about some ideas for celebrity boxing matches? We haven't had any of those for awhile.
Okay, kind reader.

  1. 50 Cent vs. Mike Tyson. Winner takes Iron Mike's house.
  2. Sheek Louch vs. D.J. Lethal. A battle between two silly names.
  3. Fred Durst vs. Dennis Rodman. Winner takes Carmen Electra. Loser keeps her.
  4. The two Insane Clown Posse guys vs. each other.
  5. The charming and cheerful Paul Rodgers vs. Mick Jagger, used up, wrinkled, and ravaged by time. Rumor has it that MJ is envious of PR's popularity with British PM Tony Blair. What a pathetic thing to envy. Plus PR is a furry,fit'n'fabulous almost-54 and practices one of those martial arts thingies, whereas MJ is a bony-chested wuss. Winner: Paul. Surprise, surprise. --Anita S.
  6. Kelsey Grammer vs. Ted Danson. Man, I can't watch either of those guys!
  7. Chingy vs. the Game. I am not making up these names!
  8. Britney Spears vs. Madonna. Yeah, I know this is a cheap one, but, c'mon, folks, it's all about the lowest common denominator!
  9. Our old friend Tonya Harding vs. Ariana Huffington. Winner gets a 14-year old doublewide. Trailer.

So, Dan, what about the current trend toward lower priced guitars coming from China?

  1. As opposed to more expensive guitars from...?
  2. I'd rather see lower priced guitars from Missouri.
  3. Or from Indiana.
  4. Let's face it, boys and girls, none of us is willing to work for $1.27 a day (unless, of course, you own a music store).
  5. Let's not forget the fine entry-level guitars that were available in the past (Teisco, Decca, Framus, etc.).
  6. You can buy a better guitar now for $100 than you could ten years ago for $200. Sorry.
  7. All I can say is that I want to buy a US made stereo sytem for $200. Really.

So, Dan, how about some advice on sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office?
A.: Huh?!?! Okay....

  1. Don't read the medical journals...you'll soon have every disease in them.
  2. Try to read as much as you can about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, even if you can hardly find anything written about them.
  3. By the way, what the hell is a "Bennifer?" And why does anybody care who's "dating" J-Lo? It's not like it's some kind of exclusive club....
  4. Read all about the events in the Middle East. What do it mean?
  5. People for Justice in Palestine would be glad to talk to you.... --Anita Speider
  6. Don't breathe. There are sick people in there with you.
  7. Try to envision the "Doctor's Office Furniture Super Store," where all the stuff you're sitting on and looking at came from. You don't see any of these things down at your local "Joe Bob's Furniture Outlet."
  8. Try to read as much as you can about Madonna's new children's book. When you get home, go to www.homestarrunner.com, and check out Strong Bad's new children's book. Much better.
  9. Get well soon, go home, and sit on the front porch instead!

So, Dan, what are some things to look for when buying a used guitar? (We forgot).

  1. Make sure it is exactly like the one played by _______ _____. This will enable you to play just like ________ _____. Or not.
  2. Look down the neck while holding it (the guitar) out in front of you. Doesn't accomplish anything, but you'll look really cool doing this. Really.
  3. Check to see how durable it is by dropping it lightly on a carpeted surface. If it doesn't break, go to 4. If it breaks, it was a Gibson.
  4. Make sure it looks somewhat like another guitar you own, so that your life partner, girlfriend, POSSLQ, whatever, will not know that you've wasted precious money on yet another pile of wood and wire.
  5. Make sure the pickups don't squeal, by turning the volume up to 10 on a 100 watt Marshall stack, preferably right after the phone rings.
  6. And to really put it to the test, use the customized "Nigel Tufnel" model of amp. --Anita Speider
  7. Check for buzzes on the fingerboard by hitting the strings as hard as you can. No, harder! Harder! HARDER!! Oh, yeah....

So, Dan, what about the recent controversy over copyrights, the internet, downloading music, and Lars Ulrich?

  1. My computer is so old that it would take 3 days to download the intro to "Layla."
  2. Why does anyone want to hear Lars Ulrich's opinion on anything?
  3. I have had songs copyrighted before....I would be happy as heck if anyone wanted to hear them. Anyone.
  4. The internet should be used for other, more important things anyway. For instance, sending anonymous, threatening messages to unsuspecting, innocent people.
  5. I remember when the controversy was over tape recorders. Those evil machines probably kept Sir Paul McCartney from being even richer than he is now.
  6. Somebody call Don Henley, quick! Don will solve it!
  7. Where's Frank Zappa when we need him?
  8. Musicians, get your own websites and we'll pay you directly. Take total control of your product. Cut out the record company middlemen. Cut the price we pay for your CDs and still make way more than your cut of the profits now. --Anita Speider, who nevertheless does not advocate illegal copying of CDs

So, Dan, why is gasoline so expensive lately?

  1. Ralph Nader is personally jacking up the price to get back at SUV owners.
  2. The Big Three are getting ready to bring out new, smaller, fuel efficient cars. They will be called the Pinto, the Vega, and the Gremlin.
  3. The man is holding us down!
  4. The financially troubled airlines are behind it - they are trying to force us to fly. Soon we will be taking a commuter flight down to the Wal-Mart.
  5. Merle that owns the gas station is a greedy bastard!
  6. The power blackout scared all the tanker truck drivers, who can no longer drive, because they are in treatment for hyperscaredycatism.
  7. I don't care, because I drive a low-emission, high mpg, enviro-friendly '77 Coupe Deville....

So, Dan, why is Billy Joel the greatest living American songwriter?

  1. "We Didn't Start The Fire" - An incisive chronicle of the modern world, rivaled only by "American Pie" in its complexity. Or something.
  2. "Still Rock 'n' Roll To Me" - And, after all, it is all about fashion, isn't it?
  3. "You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)" - Man, that is really crazy, walking down the street by yourself! "How big is baby? SOOOOO BIG!"
  4. "Bottle Of Red (Bottle Of White) - First star I see tonight? That is some poetry there, friends!
  5. "Just The Way You Are" - Check out NRBQ's fabulous karaoke version on "Diggin' Uncle Q."
  6. "She's Always A Woman To Me" - What, like she's going to morph into a lizard or something?

So, Dan, how about some music people who should consider running for governor of California?

  1. Joe Walsh - Makes more sense buzzed up than most politicians do sober.
  2. Linda Ronstadt - Not very busy with gigs, and has experience as former girlfriend of Gov. Jerry Brown.
  3. Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. Campaign slogan: No crazier than the average Californian.--Anita
  4. Don Henley - Long-time expert on California lifestyle, and maybe he'd shut up about all those other "issues" he has.
  5. Ted Nugent - After 2 months of the Nuge, they'd be begging for Ronald Reagan to snap out of it!
  6. Cher - Ex-husband was in politics, plus maybe she'd end this God-forsaken 12-year "Farewell Tour."
  7. Bono - Yeah, I know he's not an American citizen, but has less of an accent than Arnold. Maybe he could end "the troubles" in Northern California.
  8. Finally, how about Paul Rodgers...California could use more love, and Paul is all about the love! He's ready for love, he can't get enough of your love, he's got his love gun loaded, and he feels like makin' love. More of a platform than Schwarzenegger is running on!
    He also wants love in a peaceful world, he's smarter than Dubya, and he needled Tony Blair when he was invited to entertain at a Labour Party conference last year. The groovy, goateed little darling has certainly got my vote!--Anita S.

So, Dan, how about some more things, people, events, or whatever you got, that really don't matter?

  1. Anything Roseanne Barr has to say. Shut the #$*& up!
  2. Kobe Bryant's purchase of a $4,000,000,000 ring for his, er, wife. Big pimpin', indeed!
  3. Whether Cal. Gov. Gray Davis is recalled or not. It's California, the home of former Gov. Jerry Brown, c'mon!
  4. Whether Emmitt Smith offends his former Dallas Cowboy teammates...Emmitt was afraid of David Blaine!
  5. Water polo. Any team, any country, not a sport!
  6. Wynonna has recorded a new version of Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is." Oh, goody!!!
  7. Whether Kobe Bryant keeps his Nutella endorsement or not...c'mon, folks, it makes no difference!

So, Dan, why is there air?

  1. So UPS has a way to send things next-day.
  2. Highways are not generally wide enough to accommodate 757's and DC-9's.
  3. We'd be tripping over birds all the time.
  4. Without air, there would be no place to keep the smog.
  5. Things can't possibly disappear into thin pigs (well, technically, I guess they could, but let's not get nit-picky).
  6. Without air, well-known local weather forecaster Andrea Buchman wouldn't have a job.
  7. Finally, those big, rounded,aluminum camping trailers would just be called Streams...now THAT would sound stupid!

So, Dan, any unusual phone calls lately?

  1. "Hey, have you got the number for Verizon Music Center?"
  2. "Yeah, I just wondered if you can tell me anything about Dan's Fish Fry?"
  3. "If you play the mouth organ, is it comparable to the piano or the accordion?"
  4. "Have you got one of those things that changes a regular CD into a karaoke tape?"
  5. "When you're playing the tambourine, when the keyboard goes into the upper registers and such, do you do the same thing on the tambourine, and play in the higher scales?"
  6. "Can you look on your bulletin board and see if any bands are looking for a lead singer?"
  7. "Yeah, I just wondered, are you hiring?" (Oh, yeah, that's not unusual....)
  8. "Yeah, I called awhile ago about the mouth organ...do you play it more like you would the harmonica or the accordion?"

So, Dan, Whut Do U Have 2 Say Bout Da St8 Uv Pop Music?

  1. First off, Sly Stone had the oddly-spelled song title down 35 years ago.
  2. Is there a new rule that rock music can only be played in ultra-low tuning?
  3. Every artist has to collaborate with someone with a made-up name (Ra Jule, Lo Jay, etc.).
  4. Sinead O'Connor had the oddly-spelled song title down 20 years ago.
  5. The only guitar that is legal to play is PRS. Unless you play blues, in which case it needs to be a Strat with the finish sanded off.
  6. If you play "heavy" music (which, by the way, is still pop music), it is mandatory to have band costumes, tattoos, make-up, etc..
  7. George Clinton, Little Richard, Kiss, and Liberace already did that stuff.
  8. Now, U 2 Kin B A Stah!

So, Dan, how about some reasons to attend the Lapel Village Fair this weekend?

  1. You won't get to hear "Sea Krowns," but you will get to hear "Orchestra of Spank."
  2. Lots of old cars - what's not to like about a '57 Studebaker Hawk in taupe metalflake?
  3. Come hear the Lapel Community Band on Friday evening. No, Barney Fife isn't a member!
  4. Find out whether anyone in the "Miss Molly Band" is actually named Molly. (Kinda like whether anyone in "Dr. Hook" actually had a PhD.).
  5. See if my band does a stirring cover of "Sylvia's Mother." Or not.
  6. Attend an exciting parade Saturday, the parade to top all parades, a veritable cavalcade of floats, bands, cars, balloons, animals, balloon animals, floating cars, clowns, and ex-mayors!!
  7. Come and see lots of people with sunburns, trying desperately to "take the heat," as Dusty Baker so eloquently put it.

So, Dan, howzabout some fun things to do this 4th of July?

  1. You could come to the Anderson 4th of July Midnight Parade. Lots of people, even more trash!
  2. Buy a Buck Owens model red, white, and blue guitar and go around singing "A-11." Or, play "Buck's Polka."
  3. Drink a case of Red, White, & Blue, then try to light a sparkler.
  4. Dress up like the Statue of Liberty and sing "God Bless America" like Ethel Merman....Oh, wait, I know someone who does that!
  5. Try to synchronize "Dark Side of the Moon" with a fireworks display. Or better yet, "Shooting Star," by Bad Company. Or "Rocket Man," by Sir Elton John.
  6. Did I mention the Midnight Parade? You truly have to see the amount of trash to believe it. It's like the Reggie Miller of trash!
  7. And, as always, play the Jimi Hendrix version of "The Star Spangled Banner" continuously for the entire holiday weekend. Your neighbors will be really pleased with you!

So, Dan, why do you persist in wasting half your ad space with dumb questions (and even dumber answers)?

  1. Why do you think it took me 11 years to finish college?
  2. Can't afford BIG! BLARING! RADIO ADS! like the corporate guys do.
  3. Reading lists of inventory is boring.
  4. People have come to expect it.
  5. Gave some thought to doing more serious ads. Developed a bad headache...that was the end of that!
  6. Gives me a forum in which I can goof on Insane Clown Posse, Neal McCoy, Avril Lavigne, and anyone else I think is worthy.
  7. Hey, it's only money. Who needs to eat, anyway?
  8. Gives my webmaster, Anita Speider, a forum in which she can lavish praise on her favorite singer (and world-renowned lyricist), Paul Rodgers.
  9. Gimme that microphone, man, I wanna testify...to the Power of Paul, patron saint of classic 1970s rock'n'roll!--Anita S.
  10. For more silliness, go to www.dans-music.com and check it out!
  11. Archives of dozens of old Trader Ads--hours of reading pleasure! --Anita

So, Dan, what are some more things not to get worked up about?

  1. Anything having to do with American Idol.
  2. Anything having to do with Sean "P. Diddy" Combs.
  3. Anything having to do with Insane Clown Posse.
  4. Anything having to do with Avril Lavigne.
  5. Anything having to do with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
  6. The new TV show I'm With Busey. (Although I may change my mind about this one - it could be the next Anna Nicole Show).
  7. Whether or not a magazine cover photo of Julia Roberts was digitally altered.
  8. The new video game Def Jam Vendetta.
  9. Anything in Vibe magazine (which, by the way, I have been receiving without a subscription for the last four months...this makes Rolling Stone look like U.S. News and World Report).

So, Dan, what are some things not to get too worked up about?

  1. Monkeypox....I ain't even got a prairie dog, you can call home and ask my wife!
  2. Hillary Clinton's new book, Living History....no pretense there!
  3. Mad cow disease....don't order the hamburger tartare!
  4. Sammy Sosa's corked bat....let's check Tigger's driver, too, then.
  5. Two guys kissing on the Tony awards....oh, I am SO shocked!
  6. The Osbournes' third season....I've never seen one #!&%$@* episode!

So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer employment opportunities in music-related fields?

  1. Take the recently fired Don Felder's place when the Eagles tour, since Joe Walsh dosn't know the other part in "Hotel California."
  2. Go on tour with Sugar Ray, and run the pitch correction machine on Mark McGrath's vocals.
  3. Call the Dixie Chicks and apply for position as "spin doctor."
  4. Start teaching 5-string banjo at a local music store. What, you don't play? That isn't stopping several people I know of....
  5. If you are pretty and well-built, put on a bikini and sun-bathe in the back of a pickup truck while farmers plant the field you're parked in. I know, it has nothing to do with music, but that's okay....
  6. If you are a good-looking, muscular road-construction worker, put on a pair of faded jeans and workboots and take off your shirt. Get the economy moving again by encouraging travel and sight-seeing on our nation's highways!--Anita
  7. Go on tour with Bob Dylan and do sign language from the stage, so the audience can tell what he's singing.
  8. Call Lisa Marie Presley's manager and offer to play guitar for free, just because you respect her musical abilities.
  9. Call Paul Rodgers' manager and offer to buy him a new wardrobe for this year's tour. Those faded jeans that that construction worker is wearing would look nice on my furry friend....--Anita
  10. Better yet....Call his manager and offer to do physical therapy on his broken collarbone. The poor baby....--Anita

So, Dan, what are some songs that feature particularly annoying or ridiculous lyrics?

  1. "You're Having My Baby" by Paul Anka. "What a lovely way to verify my masculinity!"
  2. "Have You Never Been Mellow?" by Olivia Newton John. Yuck.
  3. "Longfellow Serenade" by Neil Diamond. "?and I was a dreemuh?"
  4. "Indian Outlaw" by Tim McGraw. "Worst lyrics that I ever saw."
  5. "Mellow Yellow" by Donovan. "Electrical banana gonna be a sudden craze." What?!?
  6. "Indiana Wants Me" by Dean someone. Yeah, sure, pal.
  7. "Jet" by Paul McCartney. How can anyone write "Yesterday" and then this?
  8. "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy (I've Got Love In My Tummy)" by 1910 Fruitgum Co. Let's not go there.
More to come....
Is that a promise or a threat?--Anita

So, Dan, what are we to make of the controversy over Annika Sorenstam playing in a PGA tournament?

  1. As foretold in Palmericus 3:17, this is a sign of the end times. "Lo, shall a woman strike the ball against a man, the end is surely near."
  2. Since when did girls like to play sports? Besides, shouldn't we respect the fact that certain men--about 1 in 10--simply find an all-male environment more...um...desirable?--Anita
  3. Hey, would you rather watch Craig Stadler and Vijay Singh, or Annika Sorenstam? Okay, then.
  4. Can you hit a golf ball 275 yards, completely straight? No, dummy, I mean the golf ball....
  5. I think Tonya Harding ought to take up golf.
  6. And Scott Hamilton should take up boxing.
  7. What do they have to do with this issue?
  8. Maybe Tiger Woods will get a sponsor's exemption for the Dinah Shore Open....
  9. Maybe Annika will go into the clubhouse kitchen and bake a nice apple pie for all the guys! All right!!

So, Dan, how about some more songs that would be especially bad in Muzak versions?

  1. "Take A Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou "What Melody?" Reed.
  2. "Suffragette City" by David "I Ain't Bird" Bowie.
  3. "My Sharona" by the Knack. "Knack, knack!" "Who's there?" "Bowie!" "Bowie who?" "Bowie sure are tired of this crap!"
  4. "Radar Love" by Golden Earring, with out of tune violins to do the Muzak guitar solo part.
  5. "I Can Help" by Billy Swan. Sorry to bring it up....
  6. "Indian Outlaw" by Tim McGraw. "Ugh!"
  7. "Beth" by Kiss. Oh, wait, that IS Muzak!
  8. "Pressed Rat And Warthog" by Cream. No, wait, that would be great! With James Earl Jones doing the voiceover...oh, yeah!

So, Dan, what are some songs that would be especially horrifying in Muzak versions?

  1. "We Are The Champions" by Queen.
  2. "Satisfaction" by the Stones.
  3. "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan.
  4. "Cum On Feel The Noyz" by Slade. Or Quiet Riot. Whatever.
  5. "Shooting Star" by Bad Company.
  6. "The Heat Is On" by Glenn "Man, I've Got No Soul" Frey.
  7. "Sweet City Woman" by some guy playing a tenor banjo.
  8. "Smuggler's Blues" by Glenn "I Can't Dance, Either" Frey.
  9. "Swingtown" by Steve "OK, Who Took My Tuner?" Miller.

So, Dan, what are some things that make no difference whatsoever?

  1. Whether or not Eminem has any credibility as a rapper, or as an actor.
  2. Susan Sarandon's (or any other celebrity's) opinion on foreign policy.
  3. Mariah Carey's "Charmbreacelet World Tour 2003."
  4. Sinead O'Connor's retirement.
  5. Monica Lewinsky's "Mr. Personality" show.
  6. Anything Stevie Nicks has to say...at all.

So, Dan, how about some tips for young people looking for a job?

  1. Don't bother actually going to the place. Call and ask, "Are you hiring?" Yeah, that works.
  2. Good day to wear the Insane Clown Posse shirt.
  3. Ditto for the Korn shirt. And the "Mean People Suck" shirt.
  4. Looking like you fell face first into the tackle box only works if you're applying at a record store or a tattoo parlor.
  5. Boxer shorts showing all around - two thumbs up!
  6. Backwards ball cap only works if applying for a job as a photographer.
  7. Finally, the lingering smell of "ganja" serves as a subliminal message which tells the interviewer, "Hire thees one, mon!"

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for "Administrative Professionals Day," which is April 23rd?

  1. I didn't even know there was such a thing.
  2. I guess it used to be called "Secretary's Day" -- was that a problem?
  3. With the recent scandals involving the Catholic church, I think "Father's Day" should be renamed.... maybe "Male Parental Unit Day", or "Sperm Donor Day."
  4. Not very happy with "Independence Day," either. Seems to imply that we don't play well with others. How about "The Day A Bunch Of Old Guys Whose Names Are Now The Names Of Insurance Companies Signed Some Papers A Long Time Ago?"
  5. For that matter, "Election Day" is not very good at all. How about "Can't Buy Any Booze Until After 6 O'Clock Because Someone Might Get Into Office By Some Unscrupulous Means Day?"
  6. If I had an administrative professional, I'd buy her/him/it a nice lunch....

So, Dan, any other observations as your store begins its 10th year?

  1. What exactly is a "mint, 100% original, refinished" guitar?
  2. Why is a new "beat up so it looks old" guitar more expensive than the same model that's not beat up?
  3. How long till you can buy a Stratocaster at Toys 'R Us?
  4. How long till Fender owns every guitar brand name except Martin?
  5. Oh, by the way, Mars Music will not be having a 9th anniversary?
  6. Who?
  7. The Vintage Guitar Market has moved. It is now located at the intersection of State Road 32 and U.S. 40.
  8. As of April, 2003, there are 2,367 models of Fender Stratocaster.
  9. The only kind of amp to have is a Quadruple Recidifier Ultra Distortomax. Or something like that.
  10. Most people have still never heard NRBQ or Jimmy La Fave. Most people have, however, heard Paul Rodgers. There you have it, boys and girls!
    People certainly have heard my furry friend's voice--who can have avoided it?--but they still don't know his name, poor little adorable thing.--Anita

So, Dan, any observations as your store nears its ninth anniversary?

  1. My guitar playing hasn't improved at all.
  2. I'm driving a 26 year old car.
  3. The dog has a grey muzzle now.
  4. Lotus guitars are still not worth anything.
  5. There still aren't any $250 Martin D-28's.
  6. Back in our original location...ain't progress grand?
  7. One Stevie Ray Vaughn was all we needed.
  8. Nobody wants to play trombone.
  9. Nobody wants to play tenor banjo, either.
  10. Rattlesnake rattles will make your guitar sound better.

So, Dan, how about some tips for aspiring bands wanting to play lots of gigs?

  1. Have a cool band name, like Trogdor the Burninator, Greasy Weasel, or, you know, something like that....
  2. Have a band picture made that makes the band look menacing, or thoughtful, or sullen, or whatever.
  3. Prepare a press kit containing the sullen picture, a CD (by a good band, whether it's yours or not), and a list of gigs you've done in some faraway location (even if the farthest you've traveled is Greenwood, IN).
  4. Consider getting a manager, who will then take 15-20% of any and all money you will ever make in your life. In return for this money, the manager, who from this point will look out for your best interest and well-being.
  5. Finally, consider actually working on your "skills of a musician." Somebody might actually be listening!

So, Dan, how about some spring cleaning tips for musicians?

  1. To get rid of that bar smell on your amp, put one of those crown-looking air things in the back of it.
  2. To clean the fingerboard on your guitar, take your toothbrush and scrub the board with some guitar polish. Follow up with a light dose of lemon oil. Buy yourself a new toothbrush.
  3. To get rid of that stale smell in your set list, throw out "Gimme Three Steps" and add 2 songs by new artists (such as Electric Amish, Tenacious D, or Li'l Jimi Nugent).
  4. To clean the footprints off the headliner in the band van, try a mixture of vinegar and common sense, while being careful not to encourage that drunk chick to come to the gig.
  5. To eliminate the smell of cigarette smoke in your rehearsal space, fire the human chimney who calls himself a bass player.
  6. To eliminate that stubborn grease stain on the carpet, eat all of the pizza the night you get it, before it ends up on the floor.
  7. To straighten up a bad attitude, don't take it all so $#%^&*@ seriously. We've all only got a limited time here. Lighten up!

So, Dan, howzabout some ways to celebrate St. Patrick's Day?

  1. Grab Phil Spector and drive all the snakes out of the music business.
  2. Try to enter the world record book for drinking Guinness.
  3. Sing "Oh, Danny Boy" to everyone you know named Dan.
  4. Buy a Rory Gallagher CD...aren't you sorry you missed him?
    And buy a CD by the Irish folk-punk band with the rude Gaelic name and the heavily marinated lead singer, Shane MacGowan.--Anita
  5. Go to the K of C and marvel at Father Joe drinking green beer.
  6. Don't buy the latest from Sinead O'Connor.
  7. Watch a Lawrence Welk re-run, and sing along with "that great Irish tenor, Joe-a Feeney."

So, Dan, what are some celebrity boxing matches that would be fun?

  1. Scott Stapp of Creed vs. Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders.
    Winner: Hynde by K.O..
  2. Paul Rodgers vs. Paul Simon.
    Winner: Rodgers, of course.
    Winner: The females in the audience, who would get to see PR without his shirt....Anita
  3. Tanya Harding vs. Li'l Kim.
    Winner: All of us.
  4. Ted Nugent vs. Insane Clown Posse.
    Winner: Ted would show up w/ a cross bow. End of fight.
  5. Bat Boy vs. Strong Bad.
    (You don't know about either of these? You're missing out on the fun! Check out www.homestarrunner.com and Weekly World News).
  6. Celine Dion vs. Cher.
    Cage match, no referee....
  7. Jimmie Vaughn vs. Kenny Wayne Shepherd.
    Winner: Vaughn, one punch.
  8. Keith Richards vs. Mike Tyson.
    Winner: Keef, of course, who would be allowed to wield his trusty Telecaster. One swing.

So, Dan, how about the fabulous Grammy awards?

  1. "Don't be silly, Gwen, your outfit looks perfect!"
  2. What is the deal with No Doubt? A chick singer who wants to be Madonna, fronting a band that makes The Shaggs sound polished. Wow.
  3. What does Dustin Hoffman have to do with it?
  4. Stop the presses! Simon and Garfunkel reunite!
  5. "Don't be silly, Art, your hair looks fine!"
  6. The Album Of The Year should have gone to NRBQ for the fantastic "Atsa My Band."
  7. I'm just mad because Jethro Tull didn't win for best Heavy Metal Album.
  8. The fake British accents on "London Calling" reminded me of Todd Rundgren's fake Jamaican accent on the abominable "Bang On The Drum All Day." Yuck.
  9. Maybe they'll start a Grammy Senior Tour, so Bruce "Springstreet" can win Album Of The Year.
  10. "Don't be silly, Paul, "Sounds Of Silence" doesn't sound the least bit dated or sophomoric!"

So, Dan, who are some performers whose work hasn't been exactly integral to the success of the act they perform with?

  1. John Oates (of Hall and Oates)
  2. Kix Brooks (of Brooks and Dunn)
  3. Little Steven Van Zandt (of the Sopranos)
  4. Bill Wyman (of some '60s British band)
  5. Noel Redding (of Fat Mattress)
  6. Sonny Bono (amateur skier)
  7. The Righteous Brother who was not Bill Medley.
  8. The other 2 Supremes.
  9. The other Pet Shop Boy.
  10. The dark-haired chick in the B-52's.
  11. Actually, it's possible that John Oates and Kix Brooks are the same person!

So, Dan, how about some Valentine's Day suggestions for musicians?

  1. Learn to play one of the fabulous songs by Heart, such as "Dog and Butterfly."
  2. Go into a Hallmark store, and start screaming, "It's all your fault my girlfriend's mad at me!"
  3. Listen to Jimmy Lafave singing Springsteen's "Valentine's Day."
  4. Play pieces of "My Funny Valentine" in the middle of each solo this weekend.
  5. Play "Heart and Soul" on the piano. (If you don't know this one, it's obvious you've had a deprived childhood.)
  6. Hire Bobby Valentine (former Mats and Rangers manager) to coach your local Little League team. He could use a gig. No, this has nothing to do with being a musician: it's just the right thing to do.
  7. By the way, another fabulous song by Heart that you could learn is "Dreamboat Annie."
  8. Or, maybe not....

So, Dan, what are some tips for musicians when it's North Pole cold?

  1. Don't fall asleep in your car on break.
  2. Don't fall asleep in your car in the driveway.
  3. Allow your guitar to reach room temperature before opening the case. How you make that determination without opening the case is beyond me!
  4. Allow extra time to get to the gig. For instance, if the gig is in Grand Rapids, MI on Friday night at 9, leave Indy at 7 a.m. on the preceeding Tuesday. Hey, the roads might be bad!
  5. Keep extra blankets, sand, shovels, battery, water, food, clothing, flares, flashlight, candles, chains, jumper cables, Fix-a-Flat, and "HELP! CALL POLICE" sign in your car at all times. How you will fit your equipment into the car with all that other crap in the trunk is also beyond me!
  6. Cancel the gig and stay home with your "significant other." Probably not as cold or as dangerous!

So, Dan, what are some ways for musicians to celebrate Groundhog Day?

  1. Shoot a groundhog and make groundhog stew. People really do this!
  2. Rent the fabulous movie by the same name, and admire Andie McDowell.
    Her looks, obviously, since her acting is TERRIBLE. Great movie, though.--Anita
  3. Spend the day practicing your Bill Murray impression on your friends.
  4. Go outside first thing in the morning--if you see your shadow, go back inside and watch "Groundhog Day" 6 more times.
  5. Drive to Punxsutawney, PA and visit my friend, Arden Kephart, at Spotts' Music Center.
  6. Go to www.homestarrunner.com and e-mail Strong Bad. Nothing to do with Groundhog Day, but some really funny stuff!
  7. Dress up like a groundhog and go to the mall. Make weird little noises (Think "Muskrat Love") till security throws you out.

So, Dan, what are some important things to do when looking for a guitar?

  1. Make sure to ask, "Is this a solid top?" (As opposed to, say, a perforated top).
  2. Squint like Clint Eastwood, look down the neck, and say, "This thing got a warp in it?"
  3. Wait until the store is full of people, then announce loudly, "I think this guitar is one that was stolen from me!"
  4. Say to no one in particular, "I seen this model down to Mars Music for $159.00!"
  5. Remind the store's employees that you've been "looking on the Internet."
  6. Under no circumstances should you accept that you'll be expected to pay sales tax.
  7. When trying out guitars, take 2 or 3 small children with you, so as to distract the store's employees, who will be kept busy trying to protect the inventory.

So, Dan, how about those fabulous American Music Awards?

  1. At least Tim McGraw hit the high notes.
  2. Who put the squirrel on Elton John's head?
  3. I couldn't watch "The Osbournes" because the bleeps made it too hard to follow. Ditto for their "hosting" duties....
  4. I hope Rob Thomas never makes fun of Paul Rodgers for being a "rock star."
  5. Christina Aguilera should buy Aretha a birthday present every year.
  6. What does "B2K" mean?
  7. I was in a band some years ago called "3FI." It did not stand for "Three From Indiana."
  8. Okay, what's the deal with decorative Band-Aids on one's face?
  9. Alabama - They were popular, what, 40, 50 years ago? Think I'll drink some Geritol and lie down for a while....

So, Dan, what are the advantages of playing music for a living?*

  1. Easy hours - your shift is usually only 3 to 4 hours.
  2. No hassles from pesky investment brokers.
  3. Great benefits package, which includes free (or almost free) drinks, plus free meals (bar pizza, chips, popcorn, etc.).
  4. Lots of travel opportunities (generally with 3 or 4 of your closest friends in a van full of empty food containers and smoky equipment).
  5. Most daytime hours at liberty (giving you lots of time to fix the aforementioned van, which will need "occasional" repairs).
  6. The security of knowing that you have a marketable skill, much the same as a doctor, lawyer, or septic system engineer, although with a somewhat less lucrative compensation package (in most cases).
These opinions are not intended to be construed as professional career counseling, and do not relect the opinions of anyone at the Trader Paper (to the best of my knowledge.)

So, Dan, how about some good New Year's resolutions for musicians?

  1. Not to believe the waitress when she says her boyfriend/husband is out of town.
  2. Not to believe the booking agent when he says the club is "perfect" for you.
  3. To quit playing gigs that don't pay, but it's "good exposure."
  4. To either lose the 20 pounds, or lose the spandex.
  5. Go back to A440 tuning. Quit being a wimp.
  6. Eat more fruit and vegetables, and less bar food. Really.
  7. Don't run a tab. Trust me on this.
  8. Learn a new song every week, and stop playing "Three Steps."