So, Dan...

So, Dan, how about some tips for playing that New Year's Eve gig?
D'answer

So, Dan, would you read us the classic "Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas"?
D'answer

So, Dan, we sure would like to hear another one of those beautiful guitar hustler’s Christmas carols....
D'answer

So, Dan, howzabout another one a them guitar hustlin' Christmas carols?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about one of our favorite guitar hustling Christmas carols?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things to do the day after Thanksgiving?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things other people have done that you haven't tried?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some good things about being an old guy?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are we to make of the election?
D'answer

So, Dan, how do you plan to celebrate your birthday?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some ways to avoid getting the flu?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate National Boss's Day?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate Columbus Day?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some guitar show etiquette tips?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some actual comments/questions you've heard from people buying a guitar for a loved one?
D'answer

So, Dan, any tips on preparing for a hurricane in Indiana?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for musicians to make some extra money this fall?
D'answer

So, Dan, who are some musicians who both candidates should consider for high level posts if elected?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some more Olympic events for musicians?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for Olympic events for musicians?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some music-biz types who should consider running for President?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some indicators that a new recording artist may not be worth checking out?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some more great moments in Telecaster history?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some great moments in Telecaster history?
D'answer

So, Dan, we haven't had any celebrity tag team wrestling matches for awhile...well?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for Independence Day activities?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some good ideas for summer activities?
D'answer

So, Dan, we're not ready to do the Watusi or the Twist yet...how about some more slow songs?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about a "Ladies' Choice" number for those of us who would like to slow dance?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer vacation?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about an update on the vintage guitar market?
D'answer

So, Dan, what's up with the proliferation of home improvement television shows?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some hints on music store etiquette?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some bad ideas for Mother's Day?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about the recent trend of guitar companies building instruments in China?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some tips on moving (from one house to another, one apartment to another, etc.)?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate "Administrative Professionals Day," which will be observed on April 21st?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some important things to look for when choosing clothes to wear on stage?
D'answer

So, Dan, what about Daylight Saving Time?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for those about to go on Spring Break?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some good ways for musicians to celebrate St. Patrick's Day?
D'answer

So, Dan, what about the Oscar awards?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some things for musicians to give up for Lent?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some ways for musicians to celebrate Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras)?
D'answer

So, Dan, whadaya think about those fabulous Grammy Awards?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are some events which have been more shocking than Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake's "performance" at the Super Bowl?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some ideas for a successful Super Bowl party?
D'answer

So, Dan, what's up with the world of herbal dietary supplements?
D'answer

So, Dan, who are some folks who should appear on "Celebrity Survivor, The South Pole," if and when such a TV reality show gets made?
D'answer

So, Dan, what are we to make of Pete Rose's admission that he bet on baseball?
D'answer

So, Anita, what were REALLY the most important events of 2003?
D'answer

So, Dan, how about some tips for playing that New Year's Eve gig?

1. The Thelonius Monk medley probably wouldn't be much of a success.
2. Neither would the Slipknot medley.
3. Okay, I haven't heard any Slipknot, but they've got really ugly masks.
4. You should probably learn “Auld Lang Syne.” Not the Fogelberg song with the bad sax solo.
5. Hire a better singer for the night, say, Paul Rodgers. Or, if he's busy, maybe Paul Anka. Who?!?
   Sadly, Paul Anka is probably better known than my FF.... --Anita S.
6. The fabulous song, "You're Havin' My Baby," probably wouldn't be much of a success.
7. Finally, the blue brocade tuxes with the velvet collars, borrowed from the Buzztones, will look great!

So, Dan, would you read us the classic "Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas"?
All right, but then you have to scoot on up to bed or Santa won't come!

"The Guitar Hustler's Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Holiday, and all through the shop,
Political correctness had made my spirits drop.
No mention of Christmas for my wife and me
This year's business climate was strictly P.C.!
No nativity scene, where Wise Men attended,
In an effort to make sure no one is offended.
We'd turned out the open sign, locking the door,
When out in the parking lot, we heard an uproar!
A white panel van had screamed onto the lot,
And a hustler jumped out, yelling, "Hey, whatcha got?
I'm lookin' for git-tars, so open this shop,
I'm buying old Martins, you can't make me stop!"
So I cracked the door open, and said, "Yes, I can!
We have none to sell you, you're out of luck, man!
This holiday season has left our store barren,
And we're going home now, so leave and quit glarin'!"
But the hustler just stood there, his eyes burning red,
"I've had it to here with what you just said!
The "holiday" is Christmas, and it's Christmas Eve!
And no freakin' store guy tells ME what to believe!"
He got in his van, and drove into the dark,
But I heard him exclaim, as he slammed it in park,
"Merry Christmas to you! Merry Christmas to me!
And I don't give a rat's @$$ if that ain't P.C.!"

What a heartwarming Christian sentiment....

So, Dan, we sure would like to hear another one of those beautiful guitar hustler’s Christmas carols....
Why, I’d be delighted!

"Git-tar Hustlers"
(to the tune of “We Three Kings”)

Git-tar hustlers, that’s what we are,
Tryin’ to find some vintage guitars,
Gibsons, Martins, we’re just startin’,
Looking for old guitars...oh-oh,

Whatcha got in your back room? What’s that there behind the broom?
We can tell by sense of smell,
Some old guitars, we’ll find ‘em soon!

So, Dan, howzabout another one a them guitar hustlin' Christmas carols?
Okay, my friend, if you insist....

"We Drove Up Here From Florida"
(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

We drove up here from Florida,
In search of old guitars,
We know you've got them here somewhere,
So tell us where they are!
Don't make me lose my temper,
I've got weapons in my car!
We'll pay cash for your stash of old guitars,
Whatever they are,
We'll pay cents on the dollar for guitars!

Anita flew to Washington
To hear "the Voice"--P.R.
No price too great for her to pay,
No distance e'er too far
To see and hear her Furry Friend
Personify "rock star."
She was wowed by the crowd--much too loud
To hear every bar--
At least she got a smile from P.R.

So, Dan, how about one of our favorite guitar hustling Christmas carols?
Oh, didn’t get enough last year, huh? Okay, then....

"GSOs" (Guitar-Shaped Objects)
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

(Chorus)
What are those? GSOs,
They look like guitars!
Wouldn’t want to play one, though,
The strings are up too far!

What are those? GSOs,
Look just like guitars!
May as well have bought boat oars,
'Cause that’s what those things are!

(Verse)
Bought a GSO,
In the grocery aisle,
Tried to get it tuned there,
But that might take awhile.

Took it to the checkout,
Along with some cat food,
When I unpacked my GSO,
I knew I had been screwed!
Oh!

(Chorus)

(Anita's verse)
Flew to see P.R.--
Indy to Sea-Tac.
Can't ever go too far,
And she'll be going back.

One girl licked his arm.
She likely paid the price.
Anita loves her Furry Friend,
But hairballs aren't too nice.
Oh!

(Chorus)

So, Dan, what are some things to do the day after Thanksgiving?

1. Stay away from the bathroom scales, whatever you do!
2. Make yourself a big turkey sandwich, on cheap white bread with lots of mayonnaise.
3. Drive by a shopping center and congratulate yourself on having enough sense to not actually try shopping today.
4. Go home and fix another turkey sandwich. Have some reheated stuffing, too. Good, and good for you!
5. Go to a basketball game, secure in the knowledge that the players, for now at least, most likely won't charge into the stands and beat you to a bloody pulp.
6. Go home and fix yet another turkey sandwich.
7. Lie on the sofa and watch the first of 73 showings (this month) of "A Christmas Story." Be careful -- you'll put your eye out!
8. Rest up so you can (insanely) fly to Tacoma on Saturday and back on Sunday just because you didn't have the will power to go more than a year without seeing a Paul Rodgers concert.--Anita

So, Dan, what are some things other people have done that you haven't tried?

1. Have never made, or consumed, a cheese daiquiri.
2. Have never put scotch tape on a cat's back.
3. Have never melted popsicles to use as a mixer.
4. Have never backed a car through a popular drive-in restaurant in an effort to "un-cruise" it.
5. Have never put tape on a cat's feet, either.
6. Have never made, or consumed, a fried-chicken daiquiri.
7. Have never made a pilgrimage to see Paul Rodgers--but Anita has!
8. I couldn't make these things up, friends! And, yes, I'm aware of weirder things that people have tried, but this is a family-friendly Trader Ad!

So, Dan, what are some good things about being an old guy?

1. Nobody expects me to get better at anything.
2. I could join AARP -- they sent me stuff all the time when I was 30 -- where are they now?!?
3. No need to try to be hip...why start now?
4. Better than the alternative.
5. Ability to confound young people -- for example, "I remember when the priest said Mass in Latin...."
6. Element of surprise -- "You did what?!?!" (This can be good or bad....)
7. I really do remember when gas was 28 cents a gallon.
8. No one takes offense that I don't make it out to catch their band, because I go to bed an hour before they start!

So, Dan, what are we to make of the election?

1. The what?
2. Oh, the election.is that what all the commotion was about?
3. I knew the lawyers would get in on this and ruin it for the rest of us.
4. I didn't see any dead people or cartoon characters when I went to vote.
5. I made sure there were no hanging chads on my ballot. I think.
6. The swiftest boat I was ever in was one that looked like the one in "On Golden Pond."
7. Another Trader Ad in the can. Mission accomplished!

So, Dan, how do you plan to celebrate your birthday?

1. Probably sleep in, maybe till 5 a.m.
2. Maybe fix breakfast, then go back to bed for a while.
3. Watch the Ellen show, then have lunch with my lovely bride.
4. Probably come in and open the shop, after going for a walk with my wife and our dog.
5. Hopefully sell some guitars and stuff.
6. After work, take my wife and some friends to see Dr. John, who's playing in Muncie.
7. Hey, with the exception of that last thing, those are the same things I do every day. What a wonderful life!

So, Dan, what are some ways to avoid getting the flu?

1. Wash your hands sixty-eight times an hour.
2. Make sure not to go outside your house, and don't let anyone come in. I'd bet Howard Hughes never got the flu!
3. Eat lots of garlic. Has no effect on flu, but keeps people far away from you. Also wards off vampires. Or werewolves. Or somethin'....
4. Drink lots of alcohol. Everyone knows alcohol serves as a disinfectant.
5. Back to Howard Hughes--grow a pencil-thin moustache...at least then you'll still look rakish and debonair when you get sick.
6. Grow a darling goatee like darling Paul Rodgers. The hair around your mouth and nose will filter out the germs that can cause cold and flu. Plus it will make you look rakish and debonair! --Anita S.
7. Finally, stay far away from the chimney. After all, it is the flue....I know, not "A" material, but it's all I had!

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate National Boss's Day?

1. Attend the Boulder Outdoor Survival School, so that you can survive this winter living in a refrigerator box.
2. Watch some "Dukes of Hazard" reruns, and throw down a shot of corn liquor each time Boss Hogg is on screen.
3. Hook a Boss snow plow to the front of your Dodge Diplomat so you can make some extra cash this winter.
4. Start a political machine and run your local government like Boss Tweed. (And check out that fabulous lingerie model, Tammany Hall!)
5. Pick up a CE-2 Chorus Pedal, and play some '80s metal!
6. Learn the guitar part to "Born To Run."  Or, "Lightning Strikes," all the same....
7. Put a poster of Tony Danza up on your wall, next to the Debbie Gibson picture.
8. And if you're self-employed, like Dan, stand proudly in front of your place of employment and state, "I answer to no one!" --Anita S.

So, Dan, what are some ways to celebrate Columbus Day?

1. Rent the DVD of Michael Moore"s "Bowling For Columbus."
2. Protest the use of forged documents by CBS, which stands for Columbus Broadcast System.
3. Petition the government to recognize Leif Eriksson or Amerigo Vespucci Day. Or Paul Rodgers Day. Why not? --Anita S.
4. Drive to Columbus, Indiana, and rent a sailboat.
5. Stay home and watch "Hannity and Columbus."
6. You know that sailboat you rented? Paint "Nina" on the bow before you take it back.
7. Go to Columbus, Ohio, and pick me up some spices, would ya?
8. Read "Goodbye, Columbus" (or other great books) by Philip Roth. --Anita S.
9. Land your sailboat somewhere and claim the land for Queen. No, not "the queen" or "your queen," the band Queen -- you know, "We will, we will rock you...."
10. Now, get on your bikes and ride!

So, Dan, how about some guitar show etiquette tips?

1. No wrestling take-downs in the "shark line."
2. Please do not refer to any guitars equipped with a locking trem system as vintage. ("Hey, y'all, wanna see my vintage Ibanez EX270?")
3. It's bad form to yell, upon seeing the '63 Strat in a dealer's booth, "Hey, that's my guitar that got stolen!"
4. It's also bad form to carry your mustard-dripping hot dog from the concession area, into the booth with a pile of mint condition tweed Fender amps.
5. Remember, used harmonicas have no resale value, per State Board of Health regulations. Especially if it was owned by Neil Young!
6. The fact that your Uncle Ernie died while playing that '48 Oahu lap steel still doesn't make it worth $700.00.
7. No one* cares that you can play just like Neal Schon. Really, I'm not kidding!
   * O.F.F. cares, Dan. He cares very much. Or maybe not, since he has the real Neal to play for him when he wants. --Anita

So, Dan, what are some actual comments/questions you've heard from people buying a guitar for a loved one?

1. "She don't even know her mother, but she's worthless just like her."
2. "I don't want to spend $100.00 on a guitar for him, 'cause he don't ever stick with nothin'."
3. "He's only 2, but he really wants to play the guitar...how young do your teachers start them?"
4. "We bought him this guitar at (large department/grocery/pharmacy/oil change store), but he says it hurts his fingers."
5. "How much?!?  $99.00?!?  Ain't ya got nothin' used? It's for my wife for Christmas...."
6. "You just plug it (the electric guitar) into the wall, right?"
7. "If you can't fix this one that I busted, I guess I'll have to buy him another %#@$!^& guitar!"

So, Dan, any tips on preparing for a hurricane in Indiana?

1. Buy lots of plywood. I've heard this is a good idea, but no idea why....
2. Stock up now on water – seems silly considering how much water would get dumped on us by the hurricane.
3. Move mobile home to higher ground to escape flooding. Or use some of that plywood to turn it into a boat, and don't forget your fishing rod!
4. Buy plenty of batteries. Don't want that, er, "personal massage device" to quit working, do we?
5. Don't forget to buy lots of canned food, such as Spam, Hormel Chili, Vienna sausages, and sardines. It'll be kinda like a Super Bowl party, without the boring game.
6. Finally, gas up your car, so that if you have to evacuate to say, Florida, you'll be ready to roll!
7. Or follow Anita S. to the beautiful Pacific Northwest for--yes--another pilgrimage to sit at the feet of the beautiful and talented Paul Rodgers. No hurricanes, but they do get earthquakes up that way, and the earth certainly moves for Anita when her furry friend is around.

So, Dan, how about some ideas for musicians to make some extra money this fall?

1. Go around to various campgrounds and offer to lead campers in a rousing version of "Kumbaya." People will gladly pay you to go away.
2. Offer to rake someone's leaves. Rake them into the neighbor's yard, then offer to rake their leaves. Repeat until violence is threatened.
3. Call Paul Rodgers and offer to be his wardrobe tech for his fall tour. Not very difficult, since he only has two or three outfits anyway.
   The poor dear furry thing! --Anita S.
4. Give banjo lessons. Makes no difference that you don't play banjo, since no one will be able to tell whether you're doing it right or not. After all, it is a banjo....
5. Learn how to play "Don't Stop," by Fleetwood Mac, and show up at every political event you can find. Someone will pay you to play it over and over...pretty much standard issue at all such events.
6. Same goes for any '60s Motown hit.
7. And don't forget the Reagan-era hit, "Born In The USA." I get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it!
8. That warm and fuzzy feeling is the dust built up on the LP. Which, yes, I do own. --Anita S.

So, Dan, who are some musicians who both candidates should consider for high level posts if elected?

1. Keith Richards – Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms. At least 2/3 of the qualifications needed.
2. Ted Nugent – Homeland Security. Ted don’t take $#!+ from anybody! And he has weapons....
3. Bob Dylan – UN Ambassador. Maybe the translators could figure out what he says.
4. Eminem – Health, Education, and Welfare. Okay, bad idea…how about Kid Rock? Hey, how about Sheryl Crow? She used to be a teacher....
5. Jeff "Skunk" Baxter – CIA Director. "Skunk" is already well-versed in this stuff (seriously) and hasn’t been playing much, anyway....
6. Rick James – He’s what?!?! Oh, well, he might not have made a good chaplain for the Senate, anyway....
7. Ike Turner – Ambassador to Iraq. "Hey, them Iraq womens knows their place!"
8. Paul Rodgers – Secretary of the new Department of Luv. Dan's right. My furry friend is all about the love. --Anita S.

So, Dan, how about some more Olympic events for musicians?

1. The Girl Singer 50 Foot Cord Competition – The girl singers try to unwrap the mic cables, attach them to the correct mics, then neatly wrapping them back up and replacing them in the road case.
2. The Alcohol Serpentine Event – In this event, the inebriated musician must negotiate a stage crowded with amps, stands, cords, and, yes, other drunk musicians. Points are deducted and equipment is depreciated for each item knocked over.
3. Heavyweight Amp Dolly Clean and Jerk – Participants remove as much gear as they can from the stage, placing it on a small 2-wheel dolly, and attempt to roll it down a ramp and out the door. Points are deducted and broken toes are set for each heavy item that falls off on someone's foot.
4. The Club Owner Slalom - In this event, the musicians must tiptoe through the back room of the club without stepping on the passed-out club owner lying on the floor in the dark. Points are deducted for getting caught bad-mouthing the club owner if he suddenly wakes up.
5. Finally, the closing event, the Ride Home Marathon – Musicians must stay awake, semi-alert, and drive an Econoline van with a bad front end 100 miles. This is a team event, and points are deducted for getting lost, having to stop to use the restroom, or the van's wiring catching fire.
6. The Missouri judge gives Fi-Fi La Baker a score of 9.8 for her performace in this week's Olympic events!

So, Dan, how about some ideas for Olympic events for musicians?

1. The 50 Foot Dash -- Participant runs out the back door of a club, while being chased by a big guy with a broken bottle.
2. The Car Hood Hurdle -- Participant jumps over the hood of a car, while being chased by a big guy with a pool cue.
3. The Bland Brothers Relay -- All 4 members of the band run back and forth between the stage and the truck, attempting to load the equipment before the Bland Brothers turn the bar into a Clint Eastwood movie.
4. Inanimate Object Wrestling -- Participants attempt to hoist a 240 pound SVT cabinet into the truck without any help.
5. Beer Pitcher Dive -- Participants attempt to avoid being hit by flying pitchers of beer. Points are deducted if one gets soaked with beer, even if the pitcher misses.
6. The Uneven Bars -- After four sets and 26 beers, participants attempt to negotiate over, under, and around tables, chairs, and the bar itself while looking for somebody to write them a bad check.
7. By the way, the names have been, er, changed to protect the innocent. Or something....

So, Dan, how about some music-biz types who should consider running for President?

1. Bob Dylan -- Makes no difference what he says, because nobody can understand him anyway.
2. Don Henley -- Makes no difference what he says, just sing "Desperado" and shut up!
3. Ted Nugent -- Tough on defense, crime, drugs, foreigners, and Al Franken.
4. Celine Dion -- Maybe she'd be too busy to sing.
5. J-Lo -- I hesitate to call her a music-biz type, but I can't see that she has any other function. Whadya think...we'll name it Presidennifer....
6. Insane Clown Posse -- Even terrorists are afraid of evil clowns.
   "Evil clown" is redundant, Dan. --Anita S.
7. Paul Rodgers -- the smile, the crowd-pleasing rock'n'roll star gestures, the tough-on-terror furriness and martial arts, and the very, very special relationship we have with...the Brits. --Anita S.
8. Kenny G. -- "We have better hair."
   "President G visited Tokyo today...?" And his successor would be President H? Like hurricanes, except much more destructive and they never disappear at sea? --Anita S.
9. George Clinton -- Has the right last name to succeed, has his own Parliament, and his appearance would strike fear into all our enemies!

So, Dan, what are some indicators that a new recording artist may not be worth checking out?

1. Main musical influence is Beyonce.
2. Main musical influence is Kid Rock.
3. Doesn't know or care what notes his/her guitar is tuned to.
4. Wears a mask. All the time.
5. Or a KFC bucket for a hat.
6. Main musical influence is Neil McCoy.
7. Or Shania Twain.
8. Only musical influence is Creed. Or System of a Down. Or Jay-Z.
9. Yes, I am old....
10. I must be even older, because I've never even heard of most of the people Dan mentions. When you've got the furriest of friends, who needs anyone else? --Anita

So, Dan, how about some more great moments in Telecaster history?

1. Keith Richards clubs some poor bastard who gets past security in Los Angeles. The human skull is no match for the mighty Telecaster!
2. Clarence White and Gene Parsons add a Harley clutch and a Model A starter to a Tele, creating the first B-Bender.
3. Roy Buchanan drills a hole in the headstock of his Tele, "Nancy," in a futile attempt to create a B-Bender without using old car parts.
4. Thousands of highly skilled craftsmen, including yours truly, use chisels, files, drills, and screwdrivers to remove enough wood from their '50s or '60s Teles to allow installation of a humbucking pickup in the neck position. Let's blame Mike Bloomfield.
5. In a valiant attempt to "get back to the land, man," those same craftsmen strip thousands of garish, metallic-painted Tele bodies down to the natural wood.
6. Maybe Judy Buchanan actually drilled the hole in "Nancy," in a futile attempt to get Roy to re-name his guitar.

So, Dan, how about some great moments in Telecaster history?

1. James Burton on Judy Collins' "Someday Soon."
2. Roy Buchanan on "I'm Evil" from "Livestock." He wasn't kidding!
3. Amos Garrett on Maria Muldaur's "Midnight At The Oasis." Impossible.
4. "Big Al" Anderson on Skeeter Davis' "Someday My Prince Will Come." And, no, I ain't making this up.
5. Jesse Ed Davis on "Doctor My Eyes" by Jackson "Save The Whales" Brown.
6. Danny Gatton. Any and all.
7. Billy Kirchen on "Hot Rod Lincoln" by the ole Commander.
8. Albert Lee on "Just Another Meal Ticket" by Heads, Hands, and Feet.

So, Dan, we haven't had any celebrity tag team wrestling matches for awhile...well?
Okay, then, here ya go!

1. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richey vs. Melissa Etheridge and her wife, some actress I've never heard of.
2. Paul Rodgers of Free and Bad Company and the Firm non-fame vs. Richard Rodgers, of Rodgers and Hammerstein fame. Winner: Richard. No one knows my furry friend's name. --Anita
3. The guitar players in Lynyrd Skynyrd vs. the horn section of Chicago.
4. The four chicks from "Sex In The City" (and the city, with the city, whatever), vs. the cast of "Friends."
5. Ken Jennings, whose total on Jeopardy is now 4 gazillion dollars, and Ken Jennings, one of the founders of Vox Amplifiers, vs. Peter Jennings and Waylon Jennings. Oh, that...well, I don't know if the Vox guy's still around, either.
6. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey vs. Britney Spears and that hillbilly she was married to for 12 minutes. Total IQ here – 79 or 80, maybe.
7. Mel Gibson and Madonna vs. John Travolta and Tom Cruise. 'Nuff said....

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for Independence Day activities?

1. Move out of parents' house.
2. Quit driving your car.
3. Throw away your cigarettes.
4. Ditto for the candy and snack foods.
5. Stop using effects on your guitar.
6. Stop downloading porn.
7. Oh, you meant July 4th activities? Buy a six-pack of Red, White, & Blue, some fireworks, grill some burgers and hot dogs. I thought you were talking about something else.

So, Dan, what are some good ideas for summer activities?

1. Go to Lapel, Indiana to witness the transfer of power to the Lapellites on June 30. There are some who question their readiness to take over.
2. Study yogurt with Kayriss on Tuesdays. Oh, it's yoga? I wondered what that meant.
3. Practice fencing. I know someone who needs one put up.
4. Buy all of Paul Rodgers' solo albums. I'll buy a six-pack for anyone who can listen to all of them in one sitting. Great singer, but those songs.
   The only problem with that plan is that you really need the alcohol before the records. And ideally, you need more than beer. Paul, I speak the truth in love.--Anita
5. Study synchronized nude swimming, the next Olympic event to be added.
6. Attend a concert by Insane Krown Posse, if they are in your area. (This is a side project of the Sea Krowns, whose recent CD, "Sins Of The Father," is well worth checking out!)
7. There isn't really any Insane Krown Posse, so quit trying to call the lawyers, and go pour yourself a tall glass of Krown Royal.
8. So many obscure references, so little time.

So, Dan, we're not ready to do the Watusi or the Twist yet...how about some more slow songs?
Okay, we're gonna keep it slow for the guys who can't figure out what to do with their hands when they dance fast....

1. "House of the Rising Sun," by the Animals. It's about what kind of house?!?
2. "When A Man Loves A Woman," by Percy Sledge. My first slow dance, with Vicki something-or-other....
3. "Sleepwalk," by Santo and Johnny. Every guitar player has to play this, or switch to clarinet.
4. "Wonderful Tonight," by Eric Clapton. Has anyone figured out that this is a kind of a mean-spirited little dirge?
5. "Magnolia," by J.J. Cale. I know you haven't heard this one, but it's a great slow song.
6. "A Whiter Shade Of Pale," by Procol Harem. I love this song, but what the hell does it mean?!?!
7. Okay, enough of this slow stuff, AAAYYYAAAHHH!! WIPEOUT!!!!!

So, Dan, how about a "Ladies' Choice" number for those of us who would like to slow dance?
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna slow it down with the next few numbers....

1. From our friend Bill: One slow tune I remember playing in the '60s was "House of The Rising Sun". The Animals' arrangement was do-able for high school bands, and nobody, musicians or slow dancers, paid any attention to the despairing lyrics. Another one of our dependable slow tunes was the first song Jagger/Richards ever wrote: "As Tears Go By".

   Compared to which....

2. "Color My World," by Chicago Transit Authority. Blecchh.
3. "Cherish," by the Association. Yuck.
4. "Blue Velvet," by Bobby Vinton. And you thought "My Melody Of Love" sucked…
5. "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me," by Mel Carter. Eeww.
6. "I Am, I Said," by Neil Diamond. Frank says Richard Bennett says he's a nice guy. Okay.
7. "All Out Of Love," by Air Supply. The gag reflex sets in.
8. "Ben," by Michael Jackson. Wrong on multiple levels.
9. And, finally, Jerry-san called it, "Having My Baby," by Paul Anka…Hey, wait! Come back! We'll do some better ones next set! Try the tongue sandwich...it speaks for itself! We're gonna take a pause for the cause!

So, Dan, how about some ideas for summer vacation?

1. Since Phish is breaking up, you could follow Paul Rodgers around all summer instead. His fans bathe. Yes. In the sweet soulfulness of his voice. In the glow of his excessive jewelry. In the gleam of his capped teeth and friendly smile. In all his furry gloriosity. --Anita
2. You could take a job as guitar tech for Bob Dylan. "No, Bob, your solo on 'Pillbox Hat' was great!"
3. You could be a roadie for the Oak Ridge Boys. Yeah, they're still around…the guy with the beard is 114 years old. You're responsible for keeping him groomed....
4. You could be a translator for Tommy Alldredge. Thanks, JR!
5. You could be a groupie for Alanis Morrisette. Or not.
6. You could start an '80s tribute band and call it "Great White Lion Snake." Thanks, Mike!
7. You could take a job as Steve Vai's guitar tech. "Okay, got it, the #7 Ibanez neck on the #3 Carvin body, tuned to E flat, for one song....Great!!"

So, Dan, how about an update on the vintage guitar market?

1. Vintage guitar futures have taken a hit recently, due to speculation that rising oil prices will cause guitar polish products' prices to jump.
2. A shortage of affordable housing has left many guitar collectors living in appliance boxes under bridges.
3. The Elderly-Gruhn Building, which houses the vintage guitar market, is undergoing a massive renovation at this time, as part of sweeps week on HGTV.
4. To try to regain its footing in the vintage market, corporate giant Fender Musical Instruments is introducing a new series of guitars, called "Used Only In Smoke-Free, Non-Denominational, OSHA-Approved Facilities, Relic Series."
5. Hey, if you go to the market, pick me up a couple dozen vintage Korean Squier Strats, will ya?

So, Dan, what's up with the proliferation of home improvement television shows?

1. Cheaper to pay that guy who looks like a blond Billy Ray Cyrus than to pay Kelsey Grammer, who, by the way, is the finest actor in U.S. history.
2. Also cheaper to pay Paige Davis than to pay Ray Romano, who, by the way, is the funniest man to ever set foot on a stage.
3. Easier to find folks whose house is a piece of crap, than to find writers as fine as the people who create such masterpieces as "King of Queens."
4. Also easier to find carpenters who could use a little extra cash, than to find any actors to build a law-and-order show around.
5. By the way, wouldn't it be nice if someone developed a show where really pretty girls have to eat cicadas or howl like Celine Dion to win prize money?
6. Oh, they have??? Huh.
7. By the way, did Kelsey Grammer learn his British accent from Kevin Costner? Okay, then.

So, Dan, how about some hints on music store etiquette?

1. Small children* with sticky fingers should stay in the car.
2. So should your McDonald's fish sandwich.
3. It's bad form to sing your original song, unless asked by an employee.
4. It's bad form to try to buy the guitar someone is trying to get rid of, unless asked by an employee.
5. People who are heavily intoxicated should stay in the car.
6. So should that guy with the really bad dreadlocks who reeks of ganja spliff.
7. Finally, small children* who are eating a McDonald's fish sandwich while reeking of ganja spliff and singing your original song will be confined to an area in the corner of the parking lot.

So, Dan, what are some bad ideas for Mother's Day?

1. Telling your wife that you didn't get her anything because she's "not your mother." That is, unless your sofa makes a really good bed.
2. Suggesting that a nice thing for the kids to do for Mommy would be to fix her breakfast in bed. That trick never works.
3. Taking your mother out drinking is not good.
4. Neither is it good to buy your mom anything from the local "head shop."
5. A subscription to "Weekly World News" may not be that good an idea.
6. Buying your wife a nice item from Victoria's Secret, but in a really wrong size.
7. Finally, a romantic evening at a WWF wrestling event is a bad idea...in most cases, anyway.

So, Dan, how about the recent trend of guitar companies building instruments in China?

1. La Choy makes Chinese food in the U.S.A..
2. Honda makes cars in the U.S.A..
3. Coca Cola sells Coke in Russia.
4. Volkswagen builds cars in Mexico.
5. Mexicans build Fender guitars in California.
6. Americans build Fender guitars in Mexico.
7. Firecrackers, which were invented in China, are used on July 4th to celebrate American independence.
8. Huh?!?!

So, Dan, how about some tips on moving (from one house to another, one apartment to another, etc.)?

1. The weirdos you’re moving to get away from? They have cousins next door to your new place.
2. That nice big yard for your kids and dog to play in? It floods when you get more than half an inch of rain.
3. Oh, yeah, it takes five hours to mow...if you have a 24 h.p. tractor with a 54” deck.
4. The beautiful view from your new balcony also gives a perfect view of the neighbor’s new camper, which he created from the bed of a ’67 Ford pickup.
5. Yeah, good idea to put the Hammond organ in your upstairs music room....Where’s the nearest doc-in-the-box?
6. Darrell, Darrell, and Daryl (not Hannah) will do a fabulous job moving that priceless Tiffany vase....
7. If you're planning on friends helping you move, ask either those who have not moved recently themselves--so they won't remember what their move was like--or those who do not plan a move soon--so they won't remember what your move was like.--Anita S.
8. After the move, you’ll never find that one wrench you always use. Never, ever....

So, Dan, how about some ways to celebrate "Administrative Professionals Day," which will be observed on April 21st?

1. Have your "girl" fix you some coffee and bring it to you.
2. Buy your secretary some flowers (don't tell your wife).
3. Rent "Office Space," and have an all-day film festival.
4. Use what's left of your tax refund to take your staff of administrative professionals out to lunch. At a strip club.
5. Have your girl call my girl, and we'll do lunch.
6. I'm afraid I'm going to have to, um, ask you to leave now. I have a meeting with the Bobs....

So, Dan, what are some important things to look for when choosing clothes to wear on stage?

1. Remember, black is slimming, so if you're already thin, you may disappear altogether.
2. The IRS will only allow you to deduct stage wear if it is not something you could wear offstage. This means only Elton John can deduct his clothing.
3. Except I think Elton John dresses that way offstage too.... --Anita
4. Remember, dry cleaning can get expensive, so only buy clothes that you don't have to launder.
5. Ladies, try to limit your purchases to items bought at rummage sales held by ex-strippers.
6. Guys, Hawaiian shirts don't make you look thinner, but they do make you look like you need another frou-frou drink with an umbrella in it.
7. If you are in a punk band, you don't need anything that can't be bought at Goodwill or Ace Hardware.
8. If you're in a classic rock band, you don't need anything that can't be bought at Tractor Supply.
9. And if you're Paul Rodgers, you can have only three or four outfits, for some (highly regrettable) reason. --Anita
10. Finally, if you are a jazz/lounge singer, don't dress like a Rat Pack guy...you're not any of those guys!

So, Dan, what about Daylight Saving Time?

1. Now, what do you do, spring forward and jump back? Or is it fall forward and turn back? So confusing....
2. I don't wear a watch anyway, so it doesn't affect me.
3. What's the big deal, since you're not really saving any daylight?
4. If everyone used a sun dial, it wouldn't make any difference.
5. I can't keep track of what time Paige Davis comes on the way it is.
6. Paige Davis is the hot chick on "Trading Spaces," by the way.
7. But you knew that, didn't you?
8. Adoption of Daylight Saving Time would allow Indiana to better compete in the ever-expanding global economy, since the Globals stay up really, really late! Or something....

So, Dan, how about some suggestions for those about to go on Spring Break?

1. Don't do anything Paris Hilton would do. (Although that Airstream trailer is pretty cool).
2. Stay back from the railing on the balcony.
3. Avoid the MTV film crew at all costs.
4. Instead of going to the same old boring places like Cancun or Daytona Beach, experience the scenic wonders of Olathe, KS or Effingham, IL.
5. Don't do anything Gary Busey would do.
6. Ladies, if you must over-indulge, please refrain from yelling, "WOO-HOO!!!"
7. Men, if you must over-indulge, please refrain from acting like Gary Busey.

So, Dan, what are some good ways for musicians to celebrate St. Patrick's Day?

1. Get out your old Rory Gallagher albums, crank up the console stereo, and do the "Cradle Rock!"
2. Rename yourself (preferably with foreign words meaning "Beautiful Voice"), and use the "F" word in a public forum.
3. Listen to the Pogues use other bad words on their CDs--and about Oliver Cromwell, no less! Ah, the Irish! What other people can (or would) boast of holding a grudge for 350 years? --Anita S.
4. Turn on the Lawrence Welk Show, and sing along with that "Great Irish Tenor," Joe Feeney.
5. Have a shot of Jamison's, kick back, and watch Van Morrison's segment in "The Last Waltz." Skip the Neil Diamond segment....
6. Get out your Kramer Night Swan, and play your favorite Vivian Campbell solo. Who?!?!
7. Go down to the local K of C, drink some green beer, and sing "Come On, Eileen" at the top of your lungs.
8. Mandatory disclaimer - Do not attempt to drive or to operate heavy machinery while singing "Come On, Eileen."

So, Dan, what about the Oscar awards?

1. Oscar the Grouch should get one.
2. So should Oscar from the "The Odd Couple."
3. Oscar Wilde should get an award for his statement, "I'm not young enough to know everything."
4. Oscar Mayer should get one for his fine meat-like products.
5. Oscar de la Renta probably clothed most of the people at the awards.
6. Oscar de la Hoya could most likely beat up Oscar Lopez, a semi-famous Latin guitarist.
7. I'd like to give an award and apology to Lee Oskar, whose harmonica solo and existence I completely ignored while "standing around crying" and waiting for an autograph from...who else--my FF, Paul Rodgers at a concert in Tacoma in 2002.--Anita S.
8. And, finally, Oscar Peterson, the pianist who was so intimidating that guitarist Herb Ellis would be physically ill before gigs.
9. Um, what was the question again?

So, Dan, what are some things for musicians to give up for Lent?

1. That third shot of Jaegermeister before the last set.
2. Trying to pick up the waitress at the Waffle House after the gig.
3. The green meat sandwich out of the machine in the gas station on the way home.
4. The mullet.
5. The "killer version" of "Ain't No Sunshine."
6. The belief that you can sing like Paul Rodgers. You can't.
7. Beer on your corn flakes in the morning. (No, folks, I'm not making this up, two people have told me this!)
8. The black, flat brim hat with silver conches. Bad look, and way overdone...find your own image!

So, Dan, what are some ways for musicians to celebrate Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras)?

1. Try to find out why so many people have beads hanging off the rear view mirror in their cars.
2. Get a fake eyebrow mole and start a Neville Brothers tribute band. You could call it the Deville Brothers. "Hey, now, baby, get into my big, black car...."
3. All drummers must face south and bow to Earl Palmer.
4. Go to the New Orleans House restaurant and flash people. Disclaimer - Doing the aforementioned activity will most likely enhance your Mardi Gras experience by involving you in an altercation with the police, just as if you were in New Orleans.
5. Pepper your conversations with French phrases, i.e., "Je ne suis pas l'homme qui exposed mon self at la restaurant!"
6. or "Croissant baguette du jour vin ordinaire, ou laissez faire? Je ne sais quoi, monsieur? pate de fois gras c'est la vie savoir faire. J'accuse!"
7. Check out Big Al & The Heavyweights next time they're in town! Really great band, and really great guys...www.bigal.net.

So, Dan, whadaya think about those fabulous Grammy Awards?

1. Sorry, Mr. Matthews, you'll have to learn the lyrics AND sing in tune on the Beatles tribute song....
2. Sorry, Mr. Sting, same goes for you.
3. Gives you new respect for how good the Beatles were!
4. Mr. And Ms. White Stripes, it'd be more fun if you had a bass player.
5. Any time Eugene Levy gets an award for best song ("A Mighty Wind"), it's a good thing.
6. There are actually quite a few newer singers who can really sing, thus making the rationale behind any continuation of rap all the more ridiculous.
7. He might look pretty weird, but that guy whose name used to be an unpronounceable symbol is a pretty good guitarist!
8. Finally, it's all about the fashion industry, isn't it, kids?

So, Dan, what are some events which have been more shocking than Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake's "performance" at the Super Bowl?

1. Bob Dylan goes electric at the Newport Folk Festival.
2. Keith Richards survives.
3. Big Al Anderson leaves NRBQ.
4. Boy George comes out of the closet.
5. David Gest (Mr. Liza Minnelli) doesn't.
6. Bennifer breaks up. (I hate to admit that I even know who or what a Bennifer is....)
7. The lovely and charming Paul Rodgers performs in an old t-shirt and jeans rather than Rock'N'Roll Attire. --Anita S.
8. Why is anyone shocked by something Michael Jackson's sister does?!? Man, these people are messed up!!

So, Dan, how about some ideas for a successful Super Bowl party?

1. Have a "Sing Along With P. Diddy" contest at halftime.
2. Set up a hospitality tent in the back yard. Give free food and drinks to everyone, then make them watch the game on a TV outside in the tent.
3. Have "Dance Along With Janet Jackson" contest at halftime.
4. Have a drink in honor of Pat Summerall.
5. Have a "Try To Convince People You Were Raised In A Trailer Park Like Kid Rock" contest at halftime.
6. Play a few rounds of "Interview With Joe Namath," in which the interwiewer gets groped by "Joe."
7. Get drunk, argue with your host, insist on driving home, get out of the car to throw up, and pass out face down in the snow in sub-zero weather, prompting your companion to re-evaluate the precise nature and degree of her affection for you. Ah, college days.... --Anita S.
8. Turn off the game and watch the fabulous documentary, "Muleskinner Blues." Much more entertaining!

So, Dan, what's up with the world of herbal dietary supplements?
So glad you asked! Now, for a brief overview....

1. Ginseng - When mixed with tonic, improves brain function and increases sex drive.
2. Oregon grape - When crushed and fermented, purifies blood and cleanses the liver.
3. Skullcap - When worn so as to cover eyes and ears, aids sleep.
4. Witch Hazel - Stimulates the heart, as opposed to the band, Sister Hazel, which stimulates the gag reflex.
5. Uva Ursi - No relation to Uma Thurman. Or U Thant. Or U2? --Anita
6. Lactobacillus Bifidus - An extinct creature from the Paleozoic period.
7. Ginko Ebola - The flesh-eating herbal supplement!
8. I am not a doctor, though I used to watch one on TV. Don't try any of this at home.

So, Dan, who are some folks who should appear on "Celebrity Survivor, The South Pole," if and when such a TV reality show gets made?

1. Paris Hilton. Makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Stephen Hawking.
2. Kelsey Grammer. Man, I'm so tired of that accent!
3. Dr. Phil. So very tiring....
4. Michael Jackson. Just go away!
5. Mike Tyson. Same for you,pal.
6. Donald Trump. You're fired.
7. Rosie O'Donnell. Or Oprah. Don't care which.
8. Demi Moore. What is the freezing point of silicone?
9. Glen Campbell. Could use the time away to rehab.
10. Dan's challenge from Anita for 2004 was to come up with a list that she couldn't fit a reference to Paul Rodgers into, and it's quite true that Anita would NEVER, EVER want to send Paul Rodgers to the South Pole. However warm his cheerful smile, Paul Rodgers cannot thaw those frosty climes, and, furry tho' he be, Paul Rodgers is not adapted for Antarctic life. Nor, indeed, even if 'twere otherwise possible, can we in areas more people'd spare such a one as Paul Rodgers. So congratulations, Dan--you have met your year's challenge within a fortnight of the year's beginning, and readers of this week's Trader Ad are advised to seek elsewhere for news of Our Furry Friend.

So, Dan, what are we to make of Pete Rose's admission that he bet on baseball?

1. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
2. At least he didn't try, as manager, to influence the outcome of any games.
3. Hey, they didn't call him Charlie Hustle for nothin'.
4. At least he's been able to eke out a living in the baseball card business.
5. Hey, he didn't kill anybody.
6. At least he didn't have sex with that woman.
7. Hey, he got 4,256 hits...it was just a couple of bets. (Actually, 412 bets in 3 months in 1987, but who's counting?)

Yes, I do, sports fans. It's none other than the adorable Bernie Williams of the New York Yankees. Same long nose, chubby lower cheeks, thick eyebrows, crinkly eyes, and--most important--cheerful, sweet smile. You knew there had to be a reason I watched the World Series, right?--Anita S.

So, Anita, what were REALLY the most important events of 2003?

1. January: 11,623 Democratic candidates for President move to Anita's neighborhood in Iowa in anticipation of the caucuses to be held...A YEAR FROM NOW! A YEAR, GUYS! PLEASE, WILL YOU HAVE A LITTLE MERCY!
2. February: 12,431 Democrats join the race for President, substantially increasing the population of the town where Anita lives.
3. March: 25,007 Democrats already resident in the town where Anita lives decide to enter the Presidential race.
4. April: 19,296 Republicans resident in the town where Anita lives decide to join the race for the Democratic nomination for President. The remaining independents, Greens, Libertarians, socialists, and anarchists figure what the hey and also decide to run as Democrats.
5. May Paul Rodgers breaks his dear, darling, sweet, and furry little collarbone while mountain biking. Anita visits the legislature of world history's most formidable superpower in Washington, DC. The two events are unrelated.
6. June Anita fails to find a giant anteater to visit at the San Diego Zoo. Some zoo. A still-broken Paul Rodgers fails to fulfill several concert engagements. Coincidence? We think not.
7. July Anita's employer announces that employees will "continue to enjoy" their 7.5 hour day for 8 hours each day. And indeed, employees continue to enjoy their workday exactly as much as they always have.
8. August: Kinnick Stadium, approximate capacity 70,000, now affords insufficient space to house even "frontrunning" Democratic candidates for President currently campaigning in Iowa.
9. September: General Wesley Clark and Senator Joe Lieberman discontinue their Iowa campaigns for the Democratic nomination for President, thus earning the undying gratitude and respect of countless Iowans, including Anita. Two down, 1,181,745 to go!
10. October: Anita turns 42. That evening, she celebrates by answering phone calls from volunteers for the Clark, Dean, Edwards, Gephardt, Kerry, Kucinich, Lieberman, Moseley-Braun, and Sharpton campaigns for President of the United States. And Clark and Lieberman SAID they were leaving!
11. November: Paul Rodgers wears boyishly ordinary clothes during a concert and accidentally reveals an extraordinarily boyish tummy. Anita feels she's died and gone to heaven, instead of just Tacoma. The two events are--believe you me--related.
12. December: Anita visits an excellent giant anteater in the San Antonio Zoo. Some zoo! Paul Rodgers turns 54. Despite PR's superficial but nevertheless oddly compelling resemblance to Anita's favorite wild and furry animal, the two events are unrelated.